Help Me, Save Me
by PizzaTop21
Summary: What do you do when your best friend's life is falling apart?  James' world is shattering and his friends are the only ones who can pick up the pieces.
1. Day Off

**Hey everybody! It's me, PizzaTop21, and I'm back with a brand new story! I've enjoyed my little break (which was supposed to be longer, but I couldn't resist), but it feels good to be back in action! Enough of my blabbering, on to the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>"Dogs!" Gustavo yelled at the four members of Big Time Rush. "I'm giving you the rest of the day off. I have some… business to take care of."<p>

While Kendall, Carlos, and Logan stared at Gustavo wonderingly, James felt a wash of relief come over him. He hadn't been feeling quite himself the past couple of days and he just wasn't up to the photo shoots, recording sessions, or whatever else Gustavo had planned for them today. Overall, he was feeling weak.

Of course, he would never tell his friends that.

Knowing them, they would overreact and hover over James like any movement would kill him and wouldn't let him do anything remotely fun for at least a week. Besides, James was convinced whatever was wrong would be better by morning. He just needed a bit of rest.

"So, since you have today off, you'll have to come in earlier and leave later tomorrow so we won't be behind schedule," Kelly said with her clipboard in hand. "Is that understood?"

Kendall groaned out loud. "Can't we just do it today?"

"Didn't you _hear_ me?" Gustavo shouted in Kendall's face. "I HAVE BUISNESS TO TAKE CARE OF!"

Kendall glanced over to James, Carlos, and Logan. They were furiously shaking their head, no. He turned back to Gustavo. "Going to the man clinic?"

Gustavo's eyes narrowed and he visibly started to shake. Kelly kept looking back between Kendall and Gustavo.

Gustavo started to turn red and James, Carlos, and Logan rushed out the studio, Kendall closely in tow. They didn't stop until they got to the Palm Woods.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" Logan said to Kendall when they got to apartment 2J. "He was going to kill _you_, then turn on _us_."

"Cool it, Logan, it wasn't that a big a deal," Kendall groaned.

"I, personally, found it to be funny," Carlos piped in.

Logan shot a glare to Carlos. "No, it wasn't, Carlos."

"Who cares, Logan? Gustavo didn't kill us _and_ we got the day off! What are we gonna do?" Carlos asked excitedly.

"Well, I believe there's only one thing to do, my young friend," Kendall said dramatically. "Let's go to the hockey rink!"

"Awesome!" Carlos shouted.

"Cool!" Logan said, completely forgetting about the earlier incident.

Kendall beamed at his friends' responses, but noticed that he only got two. Not three.

"James? You in?" Kendall said as he glanced over to James. He saw that James was sitting quietly on the couch, his head leaning on his arm. "James?"

Suddenly, James seemed to snap out of whatever he was in. "Sorry, what was the question?"

"You in for hockey?"

"Yeah, yeah, that'll be fun."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," James said as he leaned back onto his arm. "But can we go a little later? I wanna take a little nap first." James really didn't want his friends to think that anything was wrong, but he knew he wouldn't be able to play hockey without a nap. He was just so _tired._

"Yeah, sure, we can do that." Kendall looked at Logan and Carlos. They nodded their heads.

James got up and starting heading towards the room that he and Kendall shared. "Thanks, wake me up when we're about to leave."

"Yeah, ok."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan heard James close his door and they all turned to each other.

"He _never_ takes naps during the day," Carlos observed.

"Especially when he could be playing hockey instead," Kendall added.

"Have either of you noticed he's been acting a little strangely the past few days?" Logan asked. "He's been so tired lately."

"Yeah, I've noticed," Kendall said. "But it's not a big deal, right?"

Logan turned to him. "I'm sure it's nothing. It could just be how busy we've been, or maybe he's coming down with the flu?" Logan meant to say it as a statement, but it came out more as a question.

"Yeah, it's probably just the flu," Kendall reluctantly agreed.

"He'll be fine," Carlos agreed.

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><p><strong>Ok, there we go. Sorry the first chapter was so short, the next one will be longer. So what did you all think? Was it good? Was it bad? Was it just so horrible you want to throw your computer out the window? PLEASE TELL ME!<strong>


	2. Hockey Heads

**Hey ya'll! Thanks to all who reviewed! I honestly did not expect the responce I got, so thank you. You all rock my socks off!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I brought BTR last week. Didn't you hear? Yeah, they're all chilling in my living room. We're gonna hang out later. In case you haven't caught on, I'm just kidding. I don't own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>Kendall, Carlos, and Logan let James sleep for an hour, but couldn't take much longer. While Logan and Carlos got everything ready and informed Mrs. Knight of where they were going, Kendall went to get James up.<p>

Kendall walked quietly into their bedroom and sat down on James' bed. He shook him gently. "James? C'mon, buddy, we're getting ready to head out."

James moaned and put the pillow over his head.

"Do you still want to come with us?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec," came James' muffled response. "I'll meet you in the lobby."

"No, it's ok, we'll wait for you."

James nodded his head and sat up. Kendall couldn't help but noticed the dark circles under his eyes, but brushed it off as nothing.

James stood up from his bed and went over to his closet where he kept his hockey gear. He also got a shirt and pants from his dresser.

"Um, Kendall?" James said.

"Yeah, James? What is it?" Kendall said, maybe too eagerly.

"Can you maybe, oh I don't know, leave so I can get dressed?"

"Oh. Yeah, ok." Kendall sounded a bit disappointed and James noticed.

"Is everything ok?"

"Uh-huh. But you do know that you can talk to me about anything, right? Logan and Carlos too."

"Yeah, I know."

"Good, now hurry up and get dressed," Kendall said as he left the room.

James chuckled. He did feel a little guilty about not telling Kendall what was going on, but he was sure that he would be fine by tomorrow. He _was_ James Diamond, after all.

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><p>"Same rules as always?" Kendall said to his three best friends once they got to the hockey rink.<p>

"Two against two? First to twenty-one?" Logan said with a smirk.

"Me and Kendall and Logan and James?" Carlos said with a grin.

"All right, we get five minutes for team meetings and then… LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" Kendall shouted and the two teams went to the opposite sides of the rink.

Once there, the huddled together and came up with their separate plays.

"I'll do a fake and skate past James then you try to hold back Logan so he can't catch me. If he does get past, I'll just pass to you for the goal," Kendall said to Carlos.

"Ok," Carlos said back.

Over at the other end of the rink, Logan was unusually doing all the talking. "Ok, so Carlos usually guards me and Kendall guards you. So, I'll get the puck and crossover skate, that usually works on Carlos. That means that Kendall will come up to guard me and I'll pass to you and you can score."

"Sounds good," James said.

"Are you sure you're up to this? I mean, we can just go home and do this some other time," Logan said.

"Nah, I'm good. Besides, this is the first day off we've had in months. Who knows when we'll get another chance to do this?"

"If you're sure… But if you're not feeling good or something, just stop."

"Calm down, Logan. I'm fine! How many times do I have to say that?"

"Alright, if you're sure you'll ok…"

"I am sure. Now, let's go kick their butts!"

James skated off and Logan reluctantly followed. He wasn't quite sure he believed James, but he figured that if James really thought he couldn't do this, he would say so. Wouldn't he?

"Are you ladies ready to be beaten?" Kendall said as they met in the middle of the rink.

"The question, my friend, is are _you_ ready to be beaten by _us_?" James said back.

"Well, well, well. Such strong words from such a weak little girl."

"I'm going to make you eat those words, Knight!"

"Bring it, Diamond!"

"Oh, I will!"

"Can we please just start the game?" Logan said, sounding very annoyed.

"Very well, let the games begin!" Kendall yelled.

So, they started their usual game. Kendall and Carlos make a few quick points but struggle to get more, and Logan and James make points throughout the game. It was tied, twenty, twenty, after they had been playing for about forty-five minutes. That's when Logan noticed James was slowing down.

Logan skated up to James. "You ok? You seem kinda tired."

James was feeling extremely tired and just a bit dizzy, but wasn't about to admit it. "I'm fine, Logan! I'm ok!"

Logan didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? You look a little pale."

"It's probably because it's so cold. I'm fine, let's just hurry up and score the last point so we can get out of here."

Logan still wasn't convinced, but he didn't press James. Instead, he skated off in the opposite direction. Kendall and Carlos had the puck.

James skated up to Kendall to try to get the puck. Kendall dodged to the left and lightly pushed James, but then went skating off to the right. He didn't notice how that light push had sent James to the ground. James tried to get up, but was hit by a wave of dizziness and went back to the ground.

Kendall kept skating, but Logan saw how James wasn't getting up. He started skating towards him and Kendall passed to Carlos. Carlos shrugged it off when Logan didn't stop him and made the winning goal.

"Yeah!" Carlos yelled while throwing his arms up in the air. "Woo Hoo!"

"We won! We won! We won!" Kendall chanted.

Logan ignored them and knelt by James. "Are you ok, James? What's going on?"

By now, Kendall and Carlos realized that James wasn't getting up and starting skating over. They were over in just a few seconds.

"You alright, buddy?" Carlos said, slightly out of breath.

"What's wrong with him, Logan?" Kendall said, worry evident in his voice.

"I don't know. All I saw was that when you skated past him, he went down. He tried to get up, but couldn't."

Guilt immediately covered Kendall. He knew James wasn't that strong today, but he still pushed him. He pushed James down, this was all his fault!

Logansaw the guilt in Kendall's eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Kendall. But James, what's going on? Why can't you get up? Are you sick?"

James brought a hand to his head. "Nothing's wrong! I just… got a little dizzy for a minute. But I'm fine now, so can you all just drop it?"

"James, you're not fine!"

"Yes, I am! Can you just help me up?" James stuck out his arms and Kendall and Logan pulled him up, but didn't let go.

"C'mon, man, let's get you home," Kendall said, still holding on to James' arm.

James yanked his arms from his friends' hands. "I'm fine! I don't need your help!"

"Yes, you do, James!" Kendall yelled back.

"Who do you think you are? My mother?"

"James, just stop being so stubborn and let us help you!"

"I don't need anyone's help! I can take care of myself!" With that, James skated off, got his skates off, and stormed out of the hockey rink.

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><p><strong>Well, someone's a bit too independent for his own good. But then again, Kendall didn't really handle it well. To be honest, when does Kendall ever handle anything well?<strong>

**Ok, I know almost nothing about hockey, so I just used stuff that you use in basketball and put it in here. So, if you play hockey or you're a fan, I'm so sorry if their plays made no sense!**

**ANYWAYS, please review! Reviews make my day!**


	3. Let Him Sleep

**Hey! Hey! Hey! How's everybody doing? Before the actual story, I just want to thank all who have reviewed or encouraged or just plain out read this story. You all rule!**

**I hate this chapter. Please, be gentle…**

**Disclaimer: Sorry to disappoint, but I don't own BTR.**

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><p>"What was <em>that<em> about?" Carlos asked after James had stormed out. "We were just trying to help."

"You know how James is," Logan said. "He likes to do everything on his own."

"Well, what are we doing just standing here?" Kendall said a little irritably. "We should go find James and get him home."

They all skated towards the opening and got out. They quickly changed out of their skates and headed towards the exit. They founded James outside, sitting up against the building with his head in his hands, eyes closed.

Kendall jogged over to him. "James?"

James looked up, but when he saw who it was, he went back to his original position.

By now, Logan and Carlos had caught up. Logan leaned down to James. "C'mon, James, let's just go home." He offered his hand and James took it. When Logan pulled James up, he noticed how light he was.

Logan led him over to the Big Time Rush Mobile and put him in the back seat. Carlos slid in next to him while Kendall took shotgun and Logan got in the driver's seat. No one said anything the whole ride back to the Palm Woods.

When they finally got back, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan stayed close to James, but did not offer him any assistance, they did not want another incident. They got in the elevators and Carlos pressed the correct buttons. When they got to 2J, James just went to his room and closed the door. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sighed.

"What's wrong, boys?" Mrs. Knight said when she noticed the looks on the boys' faces.

Kendall looked at Logan and Carlos. They shrugged and Kendall sighed again. "Something's wrong with James and he won't let any of us help him."

Worry immediately clouded Mrs. Knight's eyes. "What do you mean something's wrong with him?"

"Well, when we were playing hockey, James looked tired and pale. And then he… fell and wouldn't get back up. He said he was dizzy, but when we tried to help him, he freaked out on us," Logan said.

"Oh my, I'll go check on him," Mrs. Knight said.

"Good luck," Kendall mumbled under his breath.

Mrs. Knight ignored him and walked over to Kendall and James' bedroom. She knocked softly on the door. "James, honey? Can I please come in?"

James really didn't want to open the door, but the way Mrs. Knight asked, he couldn't just say no. He let out a defeated sigh and went over to open the door.

Mrs. Knight smiled when she saw him, but the smile quickly turned into a frown. "James, honey, you look so pale." She placed a hand on his forehead. "And you're a little warm."

"I'm fine, Mama Knight."

"No, you aren't, I'll go get some blankets and my extra big spoon," Mrs. Knight said in her sing-song voice.

"That's really not necessary…"

"Nonsense, I'll be right back."

James rolled his eyes and lay back down on his bed. He really didn't want anyone taking care of him, he never has. He's always been the type of guy who needed someone to take care of him, so no one ever has.

Just then, Mrs. Knight came rushing in the room, arms full of blankets. James put up his hand to stop her.

"Mama Knight? Really, I'm fine, nothing's wrong. I don't need you to take care of me. So, can you please just leave so I can maybe get a little sleep?"

Mrs. Knight gave him a small smile. "Alright, I'll leave. Call if you need anything."

James nodded and Mrs. Knight left the room only to be bombarded by the three other boys.

"What'd he do?"

"Did he kick you out?"

"Is he ok?"

"Boys," Mrs. Knight sighed. They didn't stop. "Boys!" They all stopped and looked at her. "James is trying to sleep?"

"Oh," Kendall said. "But what happened?"

"He said he was fine. He didn't want me to take care of him, so I told him I wouldn't."

"But he's not fine," Logan said.

"I know that, but there's nothing we can do to help if he doesn't want help. We'll just have to see how he is in the morning. So, until then, just let him be. Understood?"

"Understood," the three boys said together. Mrs. Knight smiled and walked off. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sat down on the couch and turned on the hockey game that had just started.

The rest of the day passed as normal as it could without James. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan went down to the pool, but didn't stay long since it wasn't the same without James.

Later that night, Mrs. Knight announced that she was going to get a pizza for dinner and left. She returned thirty minutes later with one cheese and one pepperoni pizza.

"Does anyone want to go see if James is up to dinner?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"We'll go," Kendall said and nodded to Logan and Carlos and they started towards the bedroom. Logan turned the knob and they all walked in.

"James?" Carlos said when they just saw a large lump under a pile of blankets.

"Hmm?" James mumbled.

"Uh, my mom got some pizzas for dinner. Are you hungry?" Kendall said.

"No."

"Oh, ok, if you change your mind, you know where to find us."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan walked out of the room and looked at each other. They were all thinking the same thing. Something just wasn't right with James and they had a feeling this was just the beginning.

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><p><strong>Ok, I absolutely hated this chapter. But what about you all? What did you think?<strong>

**Please review!**


	4. Lobby Hockey

**Wow, I cannot believe how many reviews and whatnot I have gotten. I mean, I HATED the last chapter, but apparently you guys didn't. I checked my email, like, 4 hours after I posted that chapter and my email was all like "You have 13 new emails"! Seriously, you guys are amazing. Fan Fiction readers are the best!**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Big Time Rush. At least not yet… **

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><p>The next morning, Kendall woke up before James, which was so rare it had only happened once when James had stumbled to bed at three a.m. because there was a Scooby Doo marathon.<p>

Kendall walked into the kitchen and got out a bowl and the box of Cheerios. Logan and Carlos were already enjoying a bowl and gave Kendall a shocking and quizzical look.

"What?" Kendall said through a mouthful of cereal when he noticed Logan and Carlos staring at him.

"Is James up yet?" Logan asked.

"No."

"But he _always_ gets up before you," Carlos said, clearly surprised.

"I know, but he's just… not feeling well yet. Right, Logan?" Kendall said.

"I think I better go check on him," Logan said as he stood up and put his bowl in the sink. He started towards James' room and Kendall and Carlos followed his lead.

Logan opened the door and walked over to James' bed. He pulled the covers back and shook James slightly. "James? Can you wake up for a second or two?"

James mumbled something then sat up. "What do you want?"

"We were just wondering how you're doing. Do you want something to eat?" Logan asked.

"I'm ok, just a little tired. I'll be out in a minute."

"Are you sure? If you're this tired, then we can just bring something to you."

"No, I'm ok! Everything is fine, Logan."

"Alright, if you're sure you're ok."

"I am."

Logan nodded his head and pushed himself up. "Call if you need help."

The three remaining boys left the room and returned to their original positions in the kitchen. A few moments later, James walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet where they kept the cereal.

"Do we have anything besides Cheerios?" James asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"I think there's some Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the back," Kendall said, not looking up from his own bowl.

James pushed back the other boxes and grabbed the desired box. "Ah, there it is." He went over to the other cabinet and pulled out a bowl and poured the cereal then got a spoon from the drawer.

James sat down at the table next to his friends and took a bite. "So, what's up today?"

"Kelly called last night while you were sleeping; said Gustavo's 'business' hasn't been completely dealt with yet. Another day off," Logan said. "Mama Knight and Katie left this morning to go shopping, they told us they'll be out late. So, I guess we're on our own today."

"Oh, so what are we going to do?" James asked.

Suddenly, Carlos jumped up and threw his arms in the air. "LOBBY HOCKEY!"

Logan and Kendall shot him a look, one that told him to be quiet.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Carlos," Kendall said, his tone even.

"Guys, it's ok. Really, I'm feeling better. Lobby hockey will be fun, it'll give us something to do at the least," James said after a light chuckle.

"I don't know, James. You don't want to push yourself," Logan said.

"No, I'm feeling better, it's ok," James said.

"I don't know…"

"If I start feeling dizzy or something, I'll stop, ok? I promise."

Logan gave a defeated sigh. He knew he wouldn't win this one. "Fine, but only because you promised."

James smiled and quickly finished the rest of his breakfast. He put the bowl in the sink and started towards his room. "I'll go get ready."

After he left, Kendall and Logan both slapped Carlos on the back of his head.

"OW!" Carlos yelled.

"Why suggest lobby hockey?" Kendall said. "You know he should be resting."

"Well, sorrrrrrrry! I wasn't thinking!"

"You can say that again," Logan mumbled under his breath.

Carlos ignored that and kept his attention on Kendall. "I really don't see what the big deal is. He promised if he wasn't feeling good, he'd stop. And that's good enough for me."

"Fine, but if something happens, I'm going to hit you."

"I'm willing to take that risk."

Kendall sighed and they all got up and headed to their separate rooms to get ready.

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><p>"Ok, Bitters went to get his popcorn, so I say we have about twenty minutes before he gets back," Logan said once they all got down to the lobby.<p>

"Carlos and I can beat you and James in twenty minutes," Kendall smirked.

"We'll just see about that," James said.

So, they began their regular game. James was feeling a little tired, but he kept going and scored three times. All four guys were pushed and fell and slammed into various objects in the lobby. Mr. Bitters came back exactly twenty minutes later and kicked Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan out of the lobby.

"HA! We won!" James screamed in Kendall's face when they got back to 2J.

"Oh, we let you guys win," Kendall said as he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that's what happened."

"That's right."

"Just admit it, WE BEAT YOU!"

"No way."

"Fine, but you and I both know that we beat your sorry butt."

Logan stepped in between them. "Ok, ok, let's just calm down. I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Anyone else want some pizza?"

"I do!" Kendall, James, and Carlos all yelled at the same time.

Logan laughed and got four slices of pizza from the refrigerator. He put each one on a plate and put one in the microwave. He handed the first one to Carlos and the second one to Kendall. When he handed the third one to James, he noticed all of the bruises along his arms.

"What happened to your arms?" Logan said which caused Kendall and Carlos' eyes to drift towards James' arms.

James got a look of surprise on his face, like this was the first time he noticed the bruises. "Oh, I guess I just got bumped around a little more today."

"But we got bumped around just as much as you did, and we don't have anywhere near that many."

James shrugged and took a bite of his pizza. "I'm sure it's nothing, Logan. I'm ok."

Logan was not convinced. He knew enough to know that this was not nothing. How serious it was, Logan didn't know, but he did know that James should at least see a doctor. But knowing James, he wouldn't go see a doctor unless things got seriously bad. Logan could only hope it wouldn't come to that.

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><p><strong>Ok! There is Chapter 4! What did you all think? What do you think is wrong? What do want to happen? Review and tell me please!<strong>


	5. Midnight Trips

**Hey everybody! Ok, so have you all seen how many reviews I have? That's all thanks to you! So… THANKS!**

**This is my favorite chapter so far… Enjoy ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR**

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><p>After lunch, the four members of Big Time Rush sat down on the orange couch and turned on their X-box. They started playing Call of Duty and didn't stop until it was reaching seven o'clock.<p>

"I'm a little tired, so I think I'll just go to bed," James said as he yawned.

Carlos looked at the clock. "But it's only seven."

"I know, but I'm pretty tired, so I'll just see you all tomorrow."

"Ok, see you later," Logan said.

When they heard James close the door, Kendall turned to Logan. "What is wrong with him?"

"I… I don't know," Logan admitted.

"Well, what do you think we should do?"

"He should go to the doctor, but you know him. He won't go unless he absolutely has to."

Kendall sighed and flipped on the TV. He started flipping through the channels and finally settled on some TLC special. After that special ended, another one started up and it was about nine o'clock when Mrs. Knight and Katie came walking in the door, arms filled with bags. After quick hellos to the three boys, they retreated to their room.

"Ok, I think I'm going to head to bed," Logan said when eleven o'clock rolled around.

"I'm with you there," Kendall agreed.

"Me too," said Carlos.

"Alright, night guys," Logan said while ending towards his room.

"Night."

"See you tomorrow."

Kendall went to his room and Logan and Carlos went to theirs. They were all asleep almost immediately.

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><p>James woke up and moaned, then wiped his forehead. Why was he so sweaty? He forced himself to turn over and see what time it was. 2 A.M. Ugh, was the only thought going through James' head. Then he realized how thirsty he was.<p>

James pushed himself up and made his way over to the door. He didn't bother trying to be quiet, Kendall could sleep through absolutely anything.

James walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. After he gulped it down, he put the glass in the sink and just stood there for a moment. He got really cold all of a sudden. Then he was hot. And finally, he got this funny feeling in the pit of his stomach.

James dashed to the bathroom and threw the toilet lid up. He threw up anything that he had eaten that day into the toilet then sat up against the bathtub and tried to focus on breathing.

About five minutes later, he leaned back over the toilet. Since he didn't have anything left in his stomach, he was just having dry heaves. Then he felt a hand on his back.

"It's ok, James, it's ok. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," a voice said, but James couldn't make out who it was.

When James finished his dry heaving, he sat back up against the bathtub. He looked up and saw Logan staring at him with concerned eyes. All of a sudden, Logan opened the cabinets under the sink and got something out. He handed James a tissue.

"What's this for?" James croaked.

"Your nose," Logan said, sounding like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

James was completely confused. "What's wrong with my nose?"

Logan leaned down and took the tissue from James' hand. He put the tissue to James' nose then handed it back to James. There was a red substance on it. "It's bleeding."

James put the tissue back to his nose and groaned. He felt so tired, and achy, and _sick_.

"Are you ok?" Logan asked.

James felt too weak to say anything, so he just shook his head, no.

Logan knew this was serious. James needed to go to the hospital, right now. "We better get you to the emergency room. I'll go get everybody up, I'll be right back."

"No, Logan, I don't want to go to the hospital."

"I'm sorry, James, but you don't have a choice in this one." Logan quickly left the bathroom and ran into James and Kendall's room. He threw a shoe that one of the boys had left on the floor at Kendall and started packing some clothes for James.

"Ugh!" Kendall moaned as he sat up. "What was that for?"

"Get up, we have to get James to the hospital. Go get Carlos and your mom up." Kendall just stared at Logan. "NOW!"

Kendall jumped out of his bed and ran into Carlos' room. He wasn't very gentle about waking Carlos up and in turn, Carlos just grumbled and tried to push Kendall away.

"Carlos, get up. James is really sick, we need to take him to the hospital," Kendall said.

Immediately, Carlos was out of his bed and was following Kendall out of his room. Carlos went to help Logan pack for James and Kendall went to get his mom.

"Mom, Mom! Wake up! James needs to go to the hospital," Kendall said to his mother.

Mrs. Knight was up as soon as Kendall said "hospital" and was trying to get up a mumbling Katie. Kendall ran back to his room where Logan and Carlos were just about done packing James' things.

"Where's James?" Carlos asked as they were heading out.

"He's in the bathroom, come help me get him out the door," Logan said as he put the bag by the door and headed towards the bathroom, Kendall and Carlos closely in tow.

Logan went in first, followed by Kendall, and finally Carlos. Kendall and Carlos were shocked when they saw James. He lying on the bathroom floor, sweaty, pale, and looking very sick.

"James?" Kendall said. "Let's get you to the car, buddy."

"I can't," James moaned.

"We'll help you," Logan said as he kneeled down. "But do you think you're going to get sick again? Do we need to bring the trash can?"

James nodded.

"Ok, we'll also bring some tissues in case your nose starts bleeding again, okay?"

James nodded.

Logan nodded to Kendall and Carlos. Kendall helped pull James up and Carlos grabbed the trash can. James leaned on Kendall and Logan so they were practically dragging him. Mrs. Knight held the front door open for Kendall, James, and Logan while Carlos grabbed James' bag.

"Come on, boys, hurry up, but be careful too," Mrs. Knight said gently.

They all rushed to Mrs. Knight's rental mini van and piled in. Mrs. Knight took the driver's seat and Katie took shot gun. Carlos and Kendall went to the very back and Logan and James took the back seat. James put his head on Logan's shoulder and moaned. He clutched the trash can to his chest. Logan looked anxiously at Kendall and Carlos. He sat next to James because he was the one who knew what to do, but right now, he had no clue.

Since it was three in the morning, traffic wasn't bad and they got to the hospital in about ten minutes. They parked near the entrance and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan tried to get James out.

Mrs. Knight and Katie had already ran ahead to warn them that they were bringing James in. The three boys brought James in as quickly as they could and when they got him through the doors, a doctor and some nurses had a gurney ready for him. When the nurses and doctor saw James, they quickly whisked him onto the gurney and ran him through the double doors to his fate.

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><p><strong>Ok, so with this chapter, I wasn't too crazy about the ending, but the rest of it, I'm really proud of. I think this is the best chapter yet, even if the next chapter is what you're waiting for. But what I care about is your opinion, so please review and tell it to me! <strong>


	6. Results

**Hi everyone and anyone! Thank you so much for reviewing or favoriteing the story or me, you are amazing! So, this is the chapter you all have been waiting for… Get ready…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

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><p>It had been two hours since they had taken James away and the silence was driving everybody crazy. Mrs. Knight had called James' parents a couple of hours ago and Mrs. Knight promised to keep them updated. Mr. and Mrs. Diamond had already packed their bags in case they needed to come out.<p>

"How long is this going to take?" Kendall said impatiently.

"Be patient, Kendall," Mrs. Knight said.

"But it's been, like, fifteen hours," Carlos whined. "I want to know if James is ok."

"He's going to be ok, Carlos," Logan said, his voice shifting slightly.

Carlos stared at Logan. Whenever Logan said something he wasn't sure about, his voice shifted. And this was the last place Carlos wanted to hear that happen.

Just then, a doctor came walking in, studying a clipboard. He looked up and his scanned the waiting room. "Um, James Diamond?"

"That's us," Kendall said. "What's wrong with him? Is he going to be ok?"

"I'm Doctor Andrew Garrison and I'll be James' doctor while he is staying here. Right now, James is sleeping, we managed to get him stable and we would like to keep him overnight or through the morning, technically speaking. We couldn't really find out what made him so sick, so I would like to run some tests when he wakes up. I would, of course, need permission from a parent or guardian." Dr. Garrison glanced towards Mrs. Knight.

"Yes, of course," Mrs. Knight said. Dr. Garrison flipped through a few papers on his clipboard and handed Mrs. Knight the clipboard and a pen. Mrs. Knight quickly signed them and handed them back.

"Thank you. These tests will be anything from blood samples to CAT scans, anything we have to until we get an answer. But I would like some information from you all, like others symptoms he may have been experiencing, how long this has been going on…"

Logan stepped in front of the others. "He's been really tired and pretty weak for about a week now. When we were playing hockey, he got really dizzy and couldn't get up when he went down. He's had a fever that usually breaks within an hour or two, but always comes back later. Also, the bruises on his arm were from hockey too, but we got banged around just as much as he did and we didn't get nearly as many. Tonight he was really sweaty and vomiting and his nose was bleeding. That's about it, I think."

The three boys saw Dr. Garrison's jaw clench and a flash of worry go across his eyes, but he said nothing. "Thank you, um…?"

"Oh, I'm Logan and that's Kendall and Carlos. We're James' best friends, we're pretty much his brothers."

"Thank you, Logan. Are James' parents here?"

"No, they're in Minnesota. I have them on stand-by," Mrs. Knight said. "If it's serious, then they're catching the first flight out. Is it serious?"

"We won't be sure until we perform the tests, but you might want to have them come out," Dr. Garrison said. He saw the looks of horror flash to their faces. "For support, I mean," he said quickly.

As soon as he said those words, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan felt their hearts drop.

* * *

><p>James felt so tired, he couldn't open his eyes. He could hear people talking and he was curious to who they were. And where was he? James wanted to go back to sleep, but he was too curious as to where he was and who was there that he knew he wouldn't.<p>

James used every ounce of strength he had and opened his eyes. He almost closed them when he realized how bright it was, but he kept them open. He glanced at the clock on the wall. Ten o'clock. He looked around and saw Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Mrs. Knight, and Katie. And who else was there? James almost thought he was imagining them.

"Mom? Dad?" James croaked out.

Mr. and Mrs. Diamond ran over to their son's side and grabbed each of his hands.

"It's ok, baby, we're here for you," Mrs. Diamond cooed.

"How you feeling, son?" Mr. Diamond asked.

"I'm confused. Why are you here?" James asked. Then the realization dawned on him. "Is it really that bad?"

Mr. and Mrs. Diamond glanced to his friends. "No, baby, no. They still need to run some tests and we came out to support you is all," Mrs. Diamond said while rubbing James' hand.

By now, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had walked over to James' bedside.

"How are you feeling, man?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, does anything hurt?" Logan asked, clearly concerned.

"I'm ok, a little tired, a little nauseous, but I'm ok," James said.

"Well, let's call the doctor. You know, tell him you're awake and we can start the tests," Logan said. He nodded to Carlos who pressed the call button on James' bed. Dr. Garrison came in almost immediately.

"I was just about to check on you," he said. "Hi, James, I'm Doctor Andrew Garrison and I'm going to be your doctor, alright? Does anything hurt?"

"No, no, just tired. But my parents mentioned tests. Do these tests include, you know… needles?"

Dr. Garrison gave a small smile. "For some of them, yes. But for those, we'll allow your friends and family to be here to support you. I'll come back in about ten minutes to start the tests." With that, he gave everyone one more smile and left the room.

"Needles?" James whimpered.

"Hey, hey, it's ok. We'll be here for you, alright? No one's going anywhere," Kendall said as he put a hand on James' back.

James was obviously nervous and his friends did the best they could for the next ten minutes. When Dr. Garrison came back with a nurse holding a tray with a very large needle in it, James completely freaked out.

"You know what?" James said, his voice a little high. "I feel _great!_ That means there is no need for any needle of any kind. I'll see later, Doc." James started to get out of the hospital bed, only to be pushed back down by his friends.

"It's going to be ok, James," Carlos said. "We're here for you."

"It'll only take a moment, James," Dr. Garrison said. "You won't even feel it."

The nurse started disinfecting James' arm and James started whimpering. When she pulled out the needle, James' breathing started becoming ragged and forced.

His friends turned his head towards them and tried to distract him.

"Oh, remember sun block girl? She has the hots for you!"

"Think of the beach and our beach party! Best beach day ever, right?"

"Hey, it's Fish Stick Friday, tomorrow! We're going to get some serious swirly slide action!"

Despite their best efforts to distract James, when the needle went into his arms and drew the blood, James screamed and closed his eyes as tight as they could.

"There we go," the nurse said cheerfully. "All done!"

James opened his eyes and glanced at the nurse. His eyes traveled to the tray and when he saw his blood, he suddenly got dizzy. He turned away and tried to give his friends a confident smile, but they saw right through it. They tried their hardest not to laugh and gave him a smile back.

"Ok, now I'm just going to see if there are any physical symptoms," Dr. Garrison said. He reached towards James and started to feel his throat and looked inside his mouth. He looked in his eyes and ears and wrote down the results in his clipboard.

"Ok, James, I'm going to send your blood to the lab and I'll send a nurse to get you ready for your next test," Dr. Garrison.

"What will my next test be?" James asked.

"You will be having a CT scan."

"A CT scan? What's that?"

"Well, what we're going to have you do is lie down on a table and have this machine run over you. It's pretty much going to take X-rays of your organs."

"Oh, ok. How long will it take?"

"It depends, but for you, it'll probably take half hour to an hour."

"Ok."

Dr. Garrison smiled. "I'll have a nurse come take you to the room."

He left the room and James turned to Logan. "Will it hurt?"

Logan shook his head. "No, it's just like an X-ray."

James thought there was something weird about the way Logan answered, but before he could ask, a nurse came into the room.

"This way, Mr. Diamond," she said as she held the door open. "Your friends and parents will be here when you get back."

James smiled at his friends and parents and followed the nurse out the door.

* * *

><p>The rest of the day was filled with various other tests. At the end of the day, James was exhausted and just wanted to go home. Dr. Garrison said the results should come in within a couple of days and would call when he gets them.<p>

Mr. and Mrs. Diamond decided to stay in town and sleep at a hotel until James' results came in. Until then, everyone tried to act as normal as possible. They still had Fish Stick Friday the following day and went to the pool on Saturday. On Sunday afternoon, Dr. Garrison called and said that the test results had just come in, but he refused to say the diagnosis over the phone.

"I really think I should tell you in person," he had said. "And go ahead and bring his parents and friends."

Everyone was a little suspicious as to why Dr. Garrison would request this, but didn't dwell on it. Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight went in the mini van while Mr. and Mrs. Diamond followed in their rental car. Because of L.A. traffic, it took twenty minutes to get to the hospital.

They all walked into the hospital and Mrs. Knight went to the receptionist.

"Yes, we're here to see Doctor Andrew Garrison regarding James Diamond's test results?" Mrs. Knight said pleasantly.

The receptionist smiled. "Yes, he's been expecting you. I'll let him know you're here."

"Thank you," Mrs. Knight said as she turned to go back to the rest of the group. She could hear the lady calling Dr. Garrison and she smiled when she saw her sons.

They only waited for about five minutes until Dr. Garrison walked out wearing what seemed to be a forced smile.

"How about we do this in my office?" Dr. Garrison said.

They all nodded, but were wearing confused looks on their faces. Dr. Garrison offered no explanation.

When they got to his office, Dr. Garrison took a seat behind his desk and James, Mr. and Mrs. Diamond sat in front of it. Everyone else stood behind them, Kendall's hand on James' shoulder.

"We got your CT results first, and they proved that your spleen is inflamed," Dr. Garrison started.

"What does that mean?" James asked.

"That alone could mean a number of things, but your blood results confirmed what I thought it was. Your white blood count was abnormally high."

Logan was standing in between Kendall and Carlos who felt the smaller boy tense up and breathe in quickly. But they didn't get it. What was wrong?

"What does _that_ mean?" James asked again.

Dr. Garrison leaned forward on his desk. "James, I'm afraid you have leukemia."

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><p><strong>Well? Was <em>that<em> what you were expecting? I know alot of you were based on your reviews, so good job! You payed attention to symptoms and actions, that's impressive. As you can probably tell, this is where the REAL angst starts and where some serious friendship is needed.**


	7. Options

**Ok, you guys were obviously worried based on your reviews. I feel a little bad for James too, but not enough to quit torturing him. Where would the fun be in that?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR and all the information on leukemia comes from , which (in my opinion) is the best website to get information for fanfics. **

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><p>"L-leukemia?" James said, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. In fact, a few escaped from his eyes and fell down his cheeks. He could hear small sobs coming from behind him and beside him and he strained to hear the doctor.<p>

"You have a type of cancer called acute lymphoblastic leukemia or ALL. There are several subtypes of ALL and you have something called early B-cell or pro-B ALL. Basically, ALL is a type of cancer that causes the body to make too many of these white blood cells called lymphocytes. These lymphocytes, called leukemia cells, cannot fight infection very well. When leukemia cells build up in the blood and bone marrow, there is less room for healthy blood cells so this can cause infections, anemia, and easy bleeding. As you may know, this type of cancer is the most common in children, but it can also occur in older children and adults like yourself. You have many of the symptoms of ALL such as fever, weakness or fatigue, bruising or bleeding easily, and loss of appetite."

James listened closely to Dr. Garrison and clung to every word he said. He wanted to know all he could so maybe, just maybe, he could beat it.

"Is-is he g-going to be ok?" Mrs. Diamond asked in between her cries.

"ALL is the most successfully treated type of leukemia and the survival rate varies, but I would say it's between 66 and 89 percent," Dr. Garrison said glumly.

Carlos let out a loud sob. Even if it was more than half, that still wasn't 100 percent, which meant that not everyone survived.

This sparked a chain reaction and Logan starting sobbing too, which in turn made Kendall cry. Hearing his three best friends cry for him made James' tears fall fast and sobs come from his lips. But he needed more information. "What are my options?"

"I would say that chemotherapy would be your best option."

"How long?"

"Without treatment, I would a few months to a year. With the treatment, there is a very good chance you could go into remission. But you need to start the chemo next week at the latest."

James put his head in his hands and just sat there. _This is an absolute nightmare. This couldn't be happening. That's right, I'm dreaming. I'll just wake up and laugh about this later, _James thought. But when he brought his head back up, he felt his stomach flip because the realization hit him that this was actually happening.

"I'm very sorry that I don't have better news for you," Dr. Garrison. "I suggest that you go to the L.A. Cancer Center, I'll give them a call and inform them you might be coming. They have the equipment and medicine and experience. They will be able to help you."

James, Mr. and Mrs. Diamond stood up. "Thank you for all your help, Dr. Garrison," James said.

Dr. Garrison held out his hand and James shook it. "Good luck, James."

The group left the office and started heading towards the exit. No one said a word the whole way out and when they got to the parking lot, James softly said that he was riding back to the apartment with his parents. Everyone nodded but didn't ask for explanations.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight all climbed into the mini van and heaved a sigh.

For about ten minutes, no one said anything, until Carlos decided to break the silence. "What are we going to do?"

"I have no idea," Kendall said, which shocked everyone.

"Neither do I," Logan admitted.

"There really isn't anything we can do," Mrs. Knight said sadly. "You just need to be there for James and support him. He's going to need it."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan nodded and they fell back into their silence. It took another ten minutes to get back to the Palm Woods. Mrs. Knight parked in her reserved parking spot and the Diamonds parked in the guest spot. James opened the door and walked into the lobby without talking to anyone.

Everyone hurried after him and they all piled into the elevator, again there was silence. When they got to 2J, James started towards his room, but his parents stopped him.

"We need to talk, James," Mr. Diamond said.

"There's nothing to talk about," James replied harshly.

"Do not talk to your father like that," Mrs. Diamond said.

James just stared at his parents.

Mrs. Knight walked up to James and put her hand on his shoulder. "James, please, your parents and I just want to talk to you."

"Fine," James said while looking away.

Mrs. Knight smiled and led him over to the kitchen table. She sat him down and she and the Diamonds sat down too. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan leaned up against the countertops.

"James, honey, we think you should go ahead and do the chemotherapy," Mrs. Diamond started. "But we don't think you should do it at the L.A. Cancer Center."

"What? That's where Dr. Garrison suggested. Where else in L.A. could be better?" James asked.

"That's the thing, James," Mr. Diamond said. "We want you to come back to Minnesota with us. That way you could be at home and we could keep our jobs and you can be with your brother…"

"No! I don't want to go back! I came too far and worked too hard to just throw it all away! I can still work, I can still perform and I want everything to stay as normal as it possibly can!"

"James, we know you want to stay…"

"I can do it. Mom, Dad, just let me try. I don't want to stop what I'm doing, I love it too much."

"But we can't stay here, James. We have to go back."

"You can, I'll just stay here."

"James, we're not just going to abandon you while you're going through this."

"You're abandoning me. We can talk on the phone and face talk and everything. And you can visit once a month or whatever. But please, let me stay."

"I don't know if Mrs. Knight really wants to take care of this."

"No, if this is what James wants, I would be more than happy to." Mrs. Knight said.

"Alright, but if things start getting too hard, we're taking you home."

"It won't get too hard," James said, determined.

Mr. Diamond sighed. "Your mother and I need to go get packed, we have an early flight tomorrow. We'll call you as soon as we get in and she how you're doing."

"You can't stay longer?"

"No, we've already used up our vacation time and we need to get back to your brother." Mr. and Mrs. Diamond got up and kissed and hugged James. "We love you, James. Always will," they whispered to him. All three of them held back their tears as they opened the door and left.

As soon as the door closed shut, James turned his head and wiped a few tears that escaped. He knew it couldn't hold it in much longer, so he quickly excused himself and ran into his bedroom.

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><p><strong>Did not like this. At all. Please, review, even though this is so awful…...<strong>


	8. Comforts

**Hey, hey, hey! Thanks for reviewing or reading or anything else you guys might have done! I don't really have anything else to say, so…**

**Disclaimer: Much to my disappointment, I don't own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>James slammed the door and Mrs. Knight turned to the three other boys. "Can you please go see if he's ok?"<p>

"He's not ok, Mom," Kendall said. "He has cancer, he's obviously not ok!"

"Do you think I don't know that? These next months are going to be incredibly rough on James. And he needs you. He needs his friends, that's the only thing that's going to keep him sane."

"Alright, come on, guys," Kendall said and he turned towards the bedroom. Carlos was the first one to the door and he knocked softly. When he got no answer, he shrugged and opened the door himself, which was open.

The three boys walked in and saw James face down on his pillow. They walked over to his bed and sat down. Kendall put his hand on his shoulder, Logan's on his back, and Carlos' around him.

"James, everything will turn out ok," Carlos said.

James lifted up his head and the guys saw tears streaming down his face and his eyes were red and puffy. "But you don't _know_ that, Carlos. I have cancer."

"But you're strong, James. You can beat anything, and that includes cancer," Kendall said.

"Yeah, and you're not alone," Logan said. "We're going to support you throughout this whole process."

"I-I have to go to chemo. I'm g-going to lose m-my _hair!_"

"Yes, you probably will, but it'll grow back," Logan suggested.

"But what if it can't?" James asked, tears still streaming down his face.

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asked, half afraid of the answer.

"I don't want to die," James said so softly that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had to strain to hear him. "There's so much I haven't done and there is so much that I still want to do."

James stared at them straight in the eye and when they said nothing, just burst out sobbing. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan looked at each other then to James. They felt tears well up in their eyes as they leaned into James and did a four way hug. James sobbed into one of their shoulders and that's when they lost it. They all held together since they first found out, they wanted to be strong for James. But when they heard the cries coming from James, they cried harder than they had ever cried before. They cried for James, they cried for themselves, and they cried because they were scared. Even though many of their crazy stunts had landed them in the hospital, they never once even thought about death. Now, they had to face the fact that their foursome might very well become a threesome. They cried and held each other for twenty minutes until finally stopped themselves.

"Well, we have a week to fix that," Kendall after they had regained themselves and changed their sobs into whimpers and tears. The others gave him a confused look. "You have a week until your first chemo session, so we're going to do everything you want to do, anything at all. Even the crazy, messed up things that you never thought you would ever do. Even the things that people only do in the movies."

"Guys, you don't have to do that…" James argued.

"But we want to," Carlos said quickly. "Besides, it'll be fun."

"So, what's everything you've ever wanted to do?" Logan said.

"Well…" James started.

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><p><strong>Ok, this was extremely short. In fact, I think this was the shortest I've written for this story. But I needed to add one of those emotional, heartfelt conversations packed with friendship and tears. Doesn't every story need one of those? Anyways, please review!<strong>


	9. New Beginnings

**Ok, all of you guys are seriously curious to what James wants to do. Well, this is day one's adventure. Let me remind you that if you don't like this one (which I personally wasn't too fond of), there will be lots more in the next few chapters. **

**Oh, and a happy 22nd birthday to Carlos Pena!**

**Disclaimer: Sorry, I don't own that band. What's it called again? Oh right, BIG TIME RUSH!**

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><p>After their conversation, James was so exhausted, he fell asleep. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan pulled his blankets over him and watched him for a second before they quietly left. Almost as soon as they closed the door, Kendall heard his phone go off.<p>

_"We're halfway there, we're looking good now. Nothing's gonna get in the way. We're halfway there and looking back now, I never thought that I'd ever say we're halfway there." _Hearing James sing those words brought a pain to Kendall's chest because there _is_ something that's getting in the way, but he ignored it and answered the call. "Hello?"

_"DOGS!" _Kendall heard Gustavo yell. _"GET TO THE STUDIO!"_

"Gustavo, we can't do that…" Kendall started.

_"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'VE GIVEN YOU FOUR DAYS OFF- FOUR DAYS! - AND YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU CAN'T COME?"_

"Can I talk to Kelly, please?" Kendall said, trying not sound too annoyed. He heard Gustavo grumble and then calling for Kelly.

_"Why can't you come in?" _Kelly sweetly said.

Kendall took a deep breath. "You know how James hasn't been feeling well?"

"_Yes."_

"Well, we took him to the doctor… and…"

_"Kendall, what's wrong?"_

"James has leukemia." Kendall's voice cracked at the end and fought off the tears.

Kendall heard Kelly breathe in fast and heard her calling for Gustavo. _"Kendall? Are you being serious? Because this is not a joking matter."_

"I'm not joking, Kelly. His first chemo session is in a week and we want to spend this week with him and doing everything he wants to…"

_"I understand, Kendall. Take this week off. And don't worry about the hospital bills, we'll take care of those."_

"Thanks, Kelly," Kendall said and he hung up the phone.

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><p>"Guys, I really don't think this is a good idea," James said the next day when Kendall, Carlos, and Logan decided to take James to do one of the things he's always wanted to do.<p>

"Nonsense, you said you've always wanted to do this," Kendall said as he signed the papers and handed them to Carlos to sign.

"This was just some stupid dream I had when I was nine, it doesn't matter," James argued.

"Are you scared, Jamie?"

"No, I just think this is a bad idea."

"But is it or is it not something you've always wanted to do?"

"Well, it is, but-"

"Then we're doing it. James, you have one week before you start chemo, and as much as much as you or I don't want to admit it, you won't be able to do much after you start. You're going to get very, very weak. So, this may be your last chance."

Tears started to form in James' eyes, but he refused to cry, he's done enough of that already. "Ok, I'll do it."

Kendall smiled and Logan handed the papers for James to sign. He hesitated at first, but then went ahead and signed his name. They started walking to the double doors to start, but James pulled Logan back for a second. "Um, I forgot to thank you for helping me that night in the bathroom. So, thank you."

Logan sighed. "I should have known what it was. You had some of the most obvious symptoms and I did nothing about it. I am so sorry I was so... so _stupid_."

"Logan, even if you noticed, it wouldn't have changed anything. I still would have cancer. So, don't blame yourself, _please_ don't.

Logan nodded (even though he still felt guilty) and hugged him and James hugged back. Then they followed the others to the double doors.

* * *

><p>"Ok, so basically, I'll be giving you a flight suit and I'll bring you guys up," they guy's instructor, Bryan said. "Some people consider this to be dangerous and don't do it, but if listen to me and follow all the necessary safety precautions, it's perfectly safe.<p>

"Once we get up, you'll each get a turn. You'll basically jump into a large tube which will be blowing so much air it'll keep you up. This will make it feel exactly like skydiving." Bryan continued.

That's right. Every since James was nine-years-old, he had always wanted to go skydiving. Since Kendall, Carlos, and Logan couldn't exactly take James and actually go skydiving, this was the next best thing. They had seen the signs all over L.A. for this sort of thing and always said they would go, but they never did. So, they decided to go today.

"Alright, I'll start the video which will go further in explaining everything. I'll go get the flight suits and by the time I get back, the video should be just about finished," Bryan said as he turned on the TV. Once the opening credits started, he turned and went through a door that said _Employees Only._

The four boys turned their attention to the video. "Your instructor will lead you to the opening of the tube which is located at the top. He or she will then tell you when you are allowed to jump. You will be able to 'fall' for approximately fifteen minutes before the air will die down and eventually stopped when you reach the ground. Another employee will be there to assit you afterwords."

The video went on for another ten minutes, explaining rules and safety precautions. Once it was over, Bryan returned and handed each of the boys a flight suit. After they changed, Bryan led them through another set of double doors and up a very long stairway. James was first, followed by Carlos, Kendall, and finally a reluctant Logan. Bryan stood aside and held up his arm, signaling one of the boys to jump. James flashed a smile to the other guys, took a deep breath, and jumped.

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><p><strong>I know, I know, corny. But if you had the chance, wouldn't you do this? I know I would...<strong>

**Ah, darn, you guys. I start school tomorrow, so let me warn you that updates may not come as often as they have been over the summer. But I've written ahead big time, so that shouldn't be happening for a little while, it just depends on how busy I am. Just to let you know I haven't forgotten about you...**


	10. Slip Of Words

**Oh my gosh! Have any of you seen how many reviews I have? That's thanks to you all! Thank you so much!**

**Ok, in the last chapter, I was wondering how many of you guys would catch on that the BTR boys has done this in real life. And so many of you did! Twisted Illusions, BTR'slovesong, BTRlover98, you all mentioned that in your reviews, you guys rock!**

**Also, alot of you guys wished me a great schoool year, and I really appreciate that! You guys are so supportive!**

**Ok, this author's note is getting WAY TOO LONG...**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Big Time Rush, this wouldn't be on the computer, it would be on TV. Oh, the fantasies… **

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><p>"That was the best thing ever!" James said for the hundredth time since they got back to the apartment. After each boy had taken their turn, they all met up back in the room where they first were. After changing and paying, they got some lunch then went back to the apartment.<p>

"I'll say, I've never done anything like that," Kendall said as he took a drink. "That was great!"

"I still think it was a bad idea," Logan said. "We were lucky no one got hurt."

"Oh, silly Logan," Carlos said in a mocking tone. "So scared, so reserved, so… naïve."

"Do you even know what naïve means?" Logan said.

"I know enough that I can use it against you."

"Oh, yeah right."

So, the normal fight continued. Logan used his brain and vocabulary against Carlos and Carlos used his "logic" against Logan. Kendall and James looked at each other and smirked. Some things never change.

"Ok, ok, you guys," Kendall said after ten minutes of fighting. "That's enough, knock it off."

Logan rolled his eyes and Carlos pouted, but they stopped. James smiled. He was glad that his friends weren't treating him any different than before. Of course, that might change once the treatment starts and the real battle begins, but for right now, he was glad that everything was just the way it should be.

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><p>Dinner that night was a chicken that Mrs. Knight picked up from the grocery store and some green beans she prepared. Everyone sat down at the table and started eating and about ten minutes in, the phone rang. Mrs. Knight excused herself and went into the next room to answer it. The guys and Katie continued eating and Mrs. Knight came back in and sat down ten minutes later.<p>

"Who was on the phone?" Kendall asked as he put forkful of chicken in his mouth.

"That was the Cancer Center," Mrs. Knight said bluntly. Everyone stared at her then James then back to her.

"What did they say?" James asked.

"Um, they would like you to come in before your first session to ask questions, meet your doctor, stuff like that. Are you ok with that?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Did they say when?"

"In about two days, two o'clock."

"Sure, that'll work."

"Would you like us to come with you to the appointment?" Logan asked.

James turned to his friends. "That's ok, you don't have to do that. Mama Knight can just take me." James smiled and looked back down at his plate. Katie's eyes darted back and forth between James and the other guys. She was smart for her age, she knew that James was uncomfortable with this. He didn't want Kendall, Carlos, and Logan to see him like that, vulnerable and weak. She hoped that Logan could see that and just drop the subject.

Fortunately, Logan did see this and went back to his meal. Unfortunately, Carlos did not.

"Are you sure James? We know this is hard on you," Carlos said.

"I'm fine, Carlos, really I am. You guys don't have to come. I can do this on my own."

Kendall and Logan sent daggers to Carlos, but he didn't pick up the message. "But don't you want us there to support you? I mean it's just going to get harder-"

"Carlos! I told you I can do it and I can. Don't you think I know it's going to get harder? I do." James took a deep breathe and looked at Mrs. Knight. "May I please be excused? I need to… take care of something."

Mrs. Knight stared at him for a moment before answering. "Uh, sure, James, go ahead."

"Thank you." James got up and walked out the front door.

"Carlos!" Logan whined. "Didn't you see he didn't want us to come?"

"I-I didn't know," Carlos said. "I thought he just didn't want to bother us."

"It's ok, Carlos, but we better go make sure he's ok," Kendall said. "Mom?"

"Go, go ahead," Mrs. Knight said.

Kendall smiled and the three boys left through the front door. They went through the lobby first, when they didn't find James there, they checked the pool. No James. Parking lot, park, stairway, no James.

"Where else have we not checked?"Kendallsaid.

Carlos thought back to a conversation he and James had awhile back. A conversation where James told him where the one place in the Palm Woods was he could go to think. "I know where he is."

Carlos took off and Kendall and Logan struggled to keep up. Carlos ran up the stairs to the very top and walked out onto the roof. They saw James sitting at the edge. Carlos went over to him and sat down.

"I'm sorry, James. I didn't mean to offend you," Carlos said.

"You didn't offend me. None of this has sunk in it, and I'm still trying to learn how to deal with it. We all are," James said. Kendall and Logan sat down too.

"But I was really insensitive…"

"Carlos, if it doesn't bother me, why should it bother you?"

Carlos smiled and reached over to hug him. "Thanks, James."

"I guess I should explain why I reacted the way I did," James said.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Kendall said quickly.

"No, I want to. I don't want you guys to see me like this. Once the cancer really hits, everything is going to change and I want to keep that as far away as I can. I appreciate the support, I really need it, but with some things, I'm going to need to face it alone. Do you understand?"

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan nodded.

James chuckled. "Now, let's go back inside, it's a little dark out here."

Logan and Carlos got up, but Kendall stayed. "James, are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm ok, Kendall," James said.

"I'm glad one of us is, because I'm terrified."

"I am too, but I just have to keep believing that everything will turn out the way it's meant to."

Tears started streaming down Kendall's face. "It will, whatever that may be."

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><p><strong>Well? I just love Carlos, he never knows what's coming out of his mouth. Oh Carlos, but his heart is in the right place. Anyways, PLEASE REVIEW!<strong>


	11. Appointments

**Ok, so what's up everybody? I am so sorry it took me so long to update, but I just have been really busy and I had some writer's block... But it's here now! And to make up for such the long wait, I'll post the next chapter tomorrow morning to make up for it!**

**OH MY GOSH EVERYBODY! I AM ONE AWAY FROM REACHING 100 REVIEWS! I am so happy and proud, I can't even begin to explain it. I know this is alot to ask, but if you could help me get to 100, I will be eternally grateful. PLEASE help me get there!**

**Disclaimer: Darn, I don't own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>When they got back to apartment 2J, James went straight to bed. He had been going to bed early since he gets so tired, and everyone was starting to get used to it. Tonight, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan decided to follow him and they, too, went to bed.<p>

The next day, James got up early and made himself a bowl of cereal. He brought it to the couch and flipped on some cartoons, but he was hardly paying attention. He liked waking up early when no one else did. He gave him time to be alone and think. He knew that he hadn't fully accepted and absorbed his diagnosis, and he knew that it was only a matter of time before he did. And it would not be pretty.

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><p>Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took James go-karting that day. They spent all day racing around the track and James had a smile on the whole time and for awhile it was three weeks ago, when everything was the way it was supposed to be. They didn't tell the kids at the Palm Woods about James' cancer, he didn't want anyone to know about it just yet.<p>

The day after they went go-karting, James had his appointment at the L.A.C.C.

"C'mon, James!" Mrs. Knight yelled in the apartment. "We're going to be late!"

James sighed and got up from his spot on the couch. Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Katie got up to and walked him to the door. Katie stared at him and tears welled up in her eyes. It was hard for her to see James like this, scared and vulnerable. James saw the tears and kneeled down and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Katie? Sometimes times get rough and it's hard for us," James said softly. "So, we forget how lucky we really are. _Please_ don't forget how lucky you are."

Katie stared at James before responding. "I promise I won't forget."

James smiled and stood back up. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan gave him a look filled with awe and appreciation and watched as James walked out the door.

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><p>"Hi, I'm Jennifer Knight and I have an appointment for James Diamond," Mrs. Knight said to the receptionist at the front desk.<p>

"Oh, yes, the doctor will be right with you. Please, have a seat," the lady said.

Mrs. Knight smiled and led James over to the waiting room. They sat down and Mrs. Knight reached over to the table and grabbed a magazine. James just sat there with his hands in his lap, looking around nervously. Five minutes passed, then ten.

"Where is he?" James said.

"He'll be here soon, sweetie. Just be patient," Mrs. Knight said, not looking up from her magazine.

"Am I going to be ok?"

Mrs. Knight put down her magazine and looked at James. "James, dear, I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that everything happens for a reason, this has a reason. I don't know what it is or when we'll find out, but something good will come from this. But you have to patient and wait for it, or it might never come."

"But _why?_ Why did it have to be me?"

"I don't know, James, I wish I did. I wiah it was me instead of you, I don't like seeing you like this. But it's still you, not me, but I want you to know tht we will all be here for you no matter what. You are not alone, James."

"Thanks, Mama Knight."

Mrs. Knight smiled and reached over to hug James. He accepted and when they pulled away, they saw a man with brown hair, average size walk into the room.

"James Diamond?" he asked.

"That's me," James said as he stood up. The doctor went over to shake his hand and then Mrs. Knight's.

"I'm Doctor Grant Anderson and I'll be your doctor at the L.A.C.C. Would you please come with me to my office?" Dr. Anderson said. James and Mrs. Knight nodded and Dr. Anderson turned and led them to his office.

"Please, have a seat," Dr. Anderson said as he signaled to the chairs in front of his desk when they got to his office. James and Mrs. Knight took a seat and the doctor did the same behind his desk.

"Um, Dr. Garrison called and briefed me on your condition. ALL, am I correct?" Dr. Anderson said.

"Yes, I was diagnosed almost a week ago. Dr. Garrison said that chemotherapy would be my best option. He also said that this was the best place to go," James replied.

"Well, we do have the best equipment and doctors. The L.A.C.C. strives to do whatever we can to help. And I agree with Dr. Garrison, the chemotherapy would probably work best in your specific situation."

"When do I start?"

"You need to start as soon as possible to get the best results. I would say Saturday."

James took in a sharp breathe. Saturday? Today was Wednesday, Saturday was only two days away. "What's going to happen exactly?"

"Well, James, you come to the hospital and we'll get you a room. We're going to hook you up to an IV and the medicine will get to you that way. Now, we want to make sure that you react to the chemo the way you should so I suggest you stay overnight, just for observation. The chemo will leave your immune system very, very weak, so for a couple of days after each session, you need to stay inside and not come in contact with many people to reduce the risk of infection."

"Alright, but um… uh…"

"What is it, James?"

"Am I going to… you know… lose my hair?"

"Well, while the chemotherapy kills the cancer cells, it will also kill the blood and hair cells in your body. There is no way to prevent it."

James felt his heart drop. This was going to be an absolute nightmare. "Will I still be able to perform and sing and do everything I could do?"

"You will be able to do most anything. But during the sessions, you will get very weak and sick. So for a few days after the session, you'll have to take it easy and recover. The chemo will probably make you nauseous and you might get sick. Even after the session, you might get tired much more easily or get sick. You cannot push yourself, James, you just can't."

James nodded and Dr. Anderson kept talking about something or another, but James wasn't listening. All he could think about was the side effects of the chemo. Once the chemo started, everyone would find out and nothing would be the same. His friends would treat him like a china doll, the kids at the Palm Woods would treat him like he was contagious, but Gustavo? Would Gustavo treat him the same or give him pity or what? If there was one thing James Diamond hated, it was pity. Compassion was one thing, but pity was a completely different matter.

Dr. Anderson kept talking for another half hour, explaining the procedures and possible risks. James and Mrs. Knight asked an occasional question or two, but for the most part, they stayed quiet. James wasn't really listening, he knew all he cared to know. He didn't care about the science of the chemotherapy or who first thought of it. All he knew was that his life was about to change forever.

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><p><strong>Ok, so there it is. The last few days before his first chemo session is in the next chapter and<strong> **after that? I'm not entirely sure. I have some ideas, but if you guys have any, PLEASE let me know! You can either give some to me in a review or you can PM me. If I use your idea, I'll be sure to give you a shout out! **


	12. Lunch

**Dear amazing awesome reviewers: We've done it. We have officialy passed 100 reviews! I can't believe it. 100 reviews in 11 chapters, I can't believe it. You are all so incredibly amazing, I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for you. I am so blessed to have reviewers like you all you support and encourage me, and never miss a chapter! So, as a thank you to all my reviewers, I'll be posting the next chapter later today or early tomorrow. Just don't forget to review both, K?**

**Disclaimer: I bet you guys all think I own Big Time Rush. That's why I write fan fictions instead of putting them on TV. Yeah, that's right, I do not own BTR.**

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><p>"Where do you want to eat?" Mrs. Knight asked while they were driving back from James' appointment at the L.A.C.C.<p>

"It doesn't matter to me," James said. "Just go ahead and get what everyone else would want."

"No, James. I'm asking what _you_ want. Not what everybody else wants."

James caught on to what Mrs. Knight was trying to do. He sighed. "Alright, can we go to Subway?"

"Sure, honey, whatever you want." Mrs. Knight turned the car and pulled into the nearest Subway parking lot. They both got out and went to order six subs, one for each of them. James helped carry the sandwiches and they turned towards the Palm Woods.

"Mama Knight?" James asked when they were about five minutes away from the Palm Woods.

"Yes?" Mrs. Knight said, her eyes not leaving the road.

"Are you going to be taking me on Saturday?"

"Um, I have a meeting I need to go to that day, so I was thinking the guys could take you. Would you be ok with that? Because if you're not, I can just not go to the meeting."

"No, no, go to your meeting. I'm ok with the guys taking me."

"Are you sure, James? I know how you feel about this…"

"No, Mrs. Knight. I'm going to have to face this sooner or later, why not sooner?"

"James, you don't always have to be so brave." Mrs. Knight pulled into her parking spot at the Palm Woods and turned to face him.

"No, Mrs. Knight, I do." James grabbed the sandwiches, turned and opened the door, and walked into the lobby.

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><p>"Hey, guys!" James yelled into the apartment. "We brought you all lunch!" At the sound of the word "lunch", people came running in from all different directions of the apartment. James laughed and put the sandwiches on the table and stood back as the table was swarmed by kids. Once everybody had their sandwich, everybody sat down at the table and started to devour their meals.<p>

"So, what did the doctor say?" Katie asked in between bites. By now, Mrs. Knight had caught up to James and joined everyone at the table.

"Uh, my first session is on Saturday. They want to make sure I react well, so I'm staying overnight. And then for a couple of days after each session, my immune system will be really weak, so I have to stay in the apartment and not really see anyone. But that's not supposed to be a problem, I'm supposed to be feeling pretty bad during that time anyway."

"Is my mom taking you?" Kendall asked.

"Well, I have a meeting that day, so I was hoping you guys could take him," Mrs. Knight said warily.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan looked at each other. "Well, Kelly called while you were gone and said that we have a press conference that day. You know, tell people what's going on. But if you're not ok with that, we can just tell her no." Logan said calmly.

"No, people are going to find out anyway, and I would rather people know the truth instead of what they think happened. But then, who's going to take me? I only have a learner's permit." James said, worry in his voice.

"Well, I could miss the conference that day and take you," Logan said. "Kendall and Carlos could tell everyone what's going on, and then Kelly can drive them over to the hospital."

"That could work. Are you ok with that, James?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Yeah, that'll be great," James said. "So, what else to Kelly say?"

So Kendall, Carlos, and Logan filled him in on what had been going on. The rest of lunch, no one talked about James' cancer and the subject changed every so often. Mrs. Knight was done first and excused herself to her room to catch up on her latest romance novel. Katie finished next and went to go hang out with Tyler. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan kept sitting at the kitchen table. They talked about old times, they talked about the crazy things they've done since they got to L.A., they talked about everything. They laughed so hard they cried and at about three o'clock, they went down to the pool. It was agreed that they would wait until Saturday until they told the kids at the Palm Woods.

They stayed at the pool for a couple of hours until they decided to go back up to the apartment. When they got up there, the saw Mrs. Knight in the kitchen, cooking dinner, and Katie was watching TV.

"What's up, Mama Knight?" Carlos said while running up to her. "Whatcha cooking? Is it dinner? I love dinner! When's it gonna be ready? Is it ready now? Do you have anything I can taste test? Can I-"

"Carlos!" Kendall, James, and Logan yelled. Carlos turned and gave them a pout, but said no more.

"I'm making mac and cheese, Carlos," Mrs. Knight said after a light chuckle.

"Really? I LOVE MAC AND CHEESE!" Carlos yelled.

Mrs. Knight laughed. "It'll be ready in a few minutes."

Carlos gave her a quick hug and skipped over to the other guys. They all walked over to the couch and joined Katie. They watched TV for a total of ten minutes before Mrs. Knight called them for dinner. They turned off the TV and sat down at the dinner table.

They ate their meal and talked about the usual things, completely avoided the subject of cancer. At about eight o'clock, James decided to turn in.

"I'll see you guys in the morning," James said through a yawn.

"Yeah, you need to get some rest," Kendall said, smirking his usual smirk.

"Why's that?" James said, feeling a smile creep onto his face.

"We are going paintballing tomorrow."

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><p><strong>There we are! Chemo session is going to be in the next chapter! Are you guys looking forward to it as horrible as that sounds? I know I am!<strong>


	13. Round One

**Ok! Here is your guy's reward for getting this story past 100 reviews! As I promised, the first chemo session is in this chapter! But thanks for all your reviews and encouragement, you all rock!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Big Time Rush? No… :'( Did you just have to remind me?**

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><p>The next day was filled with paintballing. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took James to the best paintballing place in the entire city of L.A. Once safety procedures were explained, they were handed paintball suits and guns. They were taken out to the shooting range to take a few practice shots. Then they went to the actual "battle field". It was Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan against another team of four boys.<p>

"They are going _down,_" Carlos said as they took their positions. And he was right. Thirty minutes later, each one of their teammates were out and Team BTR won. They played a total of three games, two that Big Time Rush won and the last game was won by the other team.

"That was so much fun!" Kendall said as they were driving home.

"I know, right?" Logan agreed. "But it _really_ hurt when you got hit."

"I think I'm going to have welts," James said as he rubbed his hurting arms.

"But it was totally worth it!" Carlos yelled. "I would totally go again!"

"Do you guys want to get something to eat?" Logan asked. "We're basically in the center of town, so we could go most anywhere."

"Let's go to the diner," James suggested.

"Yeah, we haven't been there in weeks!" Carlos agreed.

"They have _the best_ milkshakes," Kendall said, staring off as he thought about them.

"Ok, we'll go to the diner," Logan said as he turned the car onto 4th street. They parked in front and walked into the diner. They took their usual booth, ordered their usual order, and talked about the usual things. And James soaked up every minute of it.

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><p>The next day, the day before James' chemo session, the four boys didn't go bungy jumping or rock climbing or anything like that. They stayed at the apartment and watched movies all day. They watched movies they've loved since they were little kids all the way to movies that had just come out on DVD. They ate popcorn, dinosaur chicken nuggets, and candy and drank soda and chocolate milk. They had Fish Stick Friday and played on the swirly slide for a full hour.<p>

To some people, this might have seemed like a normal day, maybe even a boring one, but to the guys, it was in a way better than any crazy stunt or place they could go. It was great because it reminded them of who they were before L.A. and their homes before Big Time Rush. They laughed until they were blue in the face and tears were streaming down their face. Everybody forgot what the next day would bring and just enjoyed that day, that moment when everything was the way they should be.

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><p>James went to bed at ten, which was by far the latest he had stayed up for weeks. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan didn't stay up much longer after that, it just wasn't the same without James. They said their goodbyes and crawled into their beds, but didn't fall asleep. They laid there and thought. They thought about James and what was happening to him, they thought of their lives back in Minnesota, and they even thought about if this whole L.A. famous thing was worth it. Towards the end, they all decided it was. James was living out his dream which was slowly becoming theirs. Yes, it was worth it. And with that final thought, they fell into a restless, dreamless sleep.<p>

James woke up the next morning with a dull, aching feeling in his heart. He turned over and glanced at the digital clock. Eleven A.M. James glanced over to Kendall's bed. As usual, it was incredibly messy, the blankets were sprawled out all over the place, and one of his pillows was at the foot of his bed, the other at the head. But that wasn't what James noticed. What he noticed was that it was empty. A feeling of panic washed over him for a second, but then he remembered. The press conference was at 11:30. James sighed and pushed himself up. He needed to be at the hospital in an hour and a half.

James stretched and walked out of his room. He went into the kitchen and saw Logan sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying some pancakes and syrup. James gave him a small smile and went to get the pancakes Mrs. Knight had made earlier before she left for her meeting.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Logan said.

"And why not?" James said, pretending to be annoyed.

"Don't you remember what your doctor said?" Logan scolded. "The chemo's going to make you sick, he said if you have to have breakfast to eat something light."

"And what do you suggest I eat, Doctor Mitchell?" James said in a mocking tone.

"If you're going to make fun of me, then maybe I won't tell you at all."

"No, Logan! Please don't! I won't be able to live without your suggestion!" James said in the most sarcastic tone he could manage.

"Oh, you're just so funny." Logan shook his head. "You should probably just have dry toast."

"But, Looooogaaaaan! I'm really hungry!"

"Would you rather be puking later?"

"Well…"

"No, you don't. Now, have you packed yet?"

"No, not yet, but it's not like I'm staying a month. It won't take that long."

Logan felt a pain in his chest because James didn't know for sure that was true. "We're leaving in about an hour. You go and pack, I'll put your toast in for you."

"Ok, thanks, Logan."

Logan smiled and James went back to his room. Logan put his plate and fork in the sink and went to the bread box. He pulled out two pieces of bread and put them in the toaster. He sat back down at the table and put his hands on the back of his head. Logan hated that James couldn't have pancakes for breakfast and had to go pack for the night. He hated that James had to go through this. It wasn't fair. Life is not fair.

Just then, Logan was snapped out of his thoughts by the toast popping up. He sighed and went over to put it on a plate. He cut it in half and then put a little bit of butter on it, just to give it a little flavor. He put the plate on the table and was about to go see how James was doing, but that's when James walked into the kitchen. He put his bag on the floor and sat down on the table.

"Thanks,Logan," James said as he took a bite of his toast.

"Yeah, no problem," Logan responded.

"Are you ok?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm ok."

"Are you sure? You seem a little… frazzled."

"No, no, I'm good, but what about you?"

"I'm ok, a little nervous, but I'll be ok."

"It's ok to be scared you know."

"Yeah... I know."

No one said anything after that. James ate his toast and Logan looked around the room. After James finished, he put the plate in the sink and checked the clock. They had an hour before they had to go. James excused himself and went into his room. James closed the door and sat down by his desk. He pulled out a pencil and a few pieces of paper.

James was not stupid. As much as he didn't want to accept that the chemo may not work, he had to consider all options. And that included death. But if it came to that, James didn't want anything left unsaid. He didn't want his friends to think _What if?_ for the rest of their lives. James started writing to them. He told them everything they needed to know in that letter. He kept writing right up to when Logan called him to leave. He slowly got up and put the letter in an envelope. He licked it, signed it, and put it under his pillow where someone would find it if something happened. He prayed to God his friends would never see it.

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><p>"You're wearing your glasses?" Logan asked when they got in the car and Logan noticed James wearing glasses instead of contacts. James <em>hates<em> wearing his glasses and refuses to wear them unless he absolutely has to.

"Yeah. I figured it would just be easier and more comfortable if I just wore my glasses," James replied.

Logan nodded and kept his eyes on the road and his hands on the wheel. He knew James must be pretty nervous if he skipped out on his contacts. Neither boy said a word the entire car ride.

People may assume that James and Logan were not as close as they might be with Kendall or Carlos. But that wasn't true. They had a special bond that not many people could understand. Both Logan and James cared for the other more than they cared for themselves. They helped each other in different ways, and if one was feeling down and needed someone to talk to, they always went to the other. They listened to each, they really, _truly _listened. No one or nothing could break the friendship that James and Logan shared and they took great pride in that.

And that's why Logan was so scared. James was one of the three people who knew him the best and who he cared for so deeply. He did not want James to go through this, he wished with all his heart it could be him. Logan would do absolutely anything to protect James, and killed him to know that in this situation, he couldn't do anything, not one thing.

James, on the other hand, was feeling incredibly scared, though that was something he would never admit. He wasn't scared for himself, he scared for his best friends. He knew how scared and worried he would be if their spots were reversed. He wished there something he could do to help them.

It took thirty-four minutes exactly to get to the L.A.C.C. Logan parked the car and grabbed James' bag from the back seat. James eased his way out and straightened his shirt when he closed the door. He gave Logan a brave smile and walked towards the front doors with Logan close behind. James walked up to the front desk and told the lady there who he was. She smiled and told him they had a room set up for him in room 307. James thanked her and nodded to Logan who followed.

The two boys took the elevator to the third floor and found their way to room 307. Logan opened the door for James and went in after he did. James sat down on the bed that was there and looked around. Logan put his bag by the bed and sat down on one of the plastic chairs that were provided.

"This is it," James said, still looking around the room.

"Yeah, I guess it is," Logan agreed.

"Is it going to hurt?" James whispered so softly, Logan wasn't sure if he talked at all.

"Um, I'm not really sure what it feels like," Logan answered truthfully. "They're going to hook you up to an IV and put the medicine in the bag. It's going to make you feel really sick, I know that."

James groaned. This was going to be a nightmare. James hated feeling sick or hurt. He hated feeling anything but happy. James loved attention, that was a well known fact. But the attention he has been getting lately was definitely not what he liked. James loved to have people watch him on stage or stare at his beautifully combed hair. Lately, everyone has been staring at him like he was the poorest person alive. They gave him pity looks and it was driving James crazy.

"Are you ok, James?" Logan asked suddenly.

James snapped out of his trance and shook his head. "What was that?"

"I asked if you were ok."

"Yeah, just… thinking."

"About what?"

"You know… how everything's going to change."

Logan opened his mouth to respond, but just then there was a knock at the door and James called for whoever it was to come in. Dr. Anderson came in wearing a big smile and was followed by a nurse who couldn't be older than 25.

"Hi, James," Dr. Anderson said. "This is Ally and she's going to be helping me today."

"Hi, Dr. Anderson," James said. "Hi Ally, I'm James." James held out his hand and Ally nervously shook it. "Oh, and this is Logan, he's one of my best friends."

Logan stood up and went to shake hands with Dr. Anderson and Ally. "Hi, Doctor, I've heard a bit about you."

Dr. Anderson smiled. "Hopefully it was all good."

Logan smiled, nodded his head, and sat back down. Dr. Anderson nodded to Ally and she pulled out the IV bag and needle. James eyed the needle warily, but said nothing. This was not the time for his silly fear.

"Ok, James, if it's ok with you, we're going to go ahead and start the treatment," Dr. Anderson said.

James nodded, closed his eyes, and held out his arm. Ally began disinfecting it and Logan went over to James' bed and held his hand. As the needle went in, James squeezed Logan's hand so hard, Logan was convinced it would need to be amputated by the time the IV was hooked up.

"Ok, James, it's alright," Ally said quietly. "The IV is all hooked up."

James slowly opened one eye, then the other. Then slowly he let go of Logan's hand which Logan immediately brought to his chest. James stared at the IV and let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. James smiled apologetically at Logan, then turned his attention back to Dr. Anderson.

"Ok, we're just going to put the chemo medicine in the bag and it will go through the tube and into your body. You'll probably start feeling it in about half an hour, give or take." Dr. Anderson said, as he picked up the bag filled with some sort of clear liquid.

"How long will this take?" James said impatiently.

"Oh, it really just depends on how well your body accepts it. For you, I would say… two or three hours. But it could take as long as four."

James groaned. He didn't realize it would take so long. "My other friends are coming in about thirty minutes or maybe… forty-five? Either way, they can come in, can't they?"

"Yes, as long as it's ok with you."

"And will I be able to eat anything?"

Dr. Anderson took a deep breath. "During the actual treatment, no, food will just make you sicker. But about half an hour after your session, I'll send a nurse in with some food if you feel like you're up for it."

James nodded slowly. Dr. Anderson gave him a small smile. He told James to lie down and then hooked up the chemo to the IV. He patted James gently on the back and left the room, Ally closely behind.

James put his head on the pillow and looked at the ceiling. He could feel Logan's eyes on him, put he tried to ignore it. For the first five minutes, anyway.

"Can I help you with something?" James asked, still looking at the ceiling.

Logan sighed and moved his chair closer to the bed. "Aren't you scared?"

James propped himself on his elbows and looked atLogan. "Scared of what?"

"You know… dying."

"I'm not afraid of death. What's it gonna do? Kill me?" James laughed at his joke.

Logan rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious, James."

James sighed. "Seriously? I'm completely and utterly terrified. I'm just trying not to show it."

"James, it's ok to ask for help. We won't think any less of you."

"You guys might not, but I will. But I'm not just scared for me, I'm scared for you too."

"Me?"

"And Kendall and Carlos. I don't like to think about what you guys might have to go through. I don't want to be the reason you guys are sad."

"James, you don't have to worry about us, we'll be fine. You just need to focus on getting better."

"That's easier said than done. I'm so much more afraid for you guys than me. I know what might happen to me and I know how I would feel if it was one of you guys in this bed. I feel horrible for doing this to you. I am so sorry."

"James, do not apologize to me. Do you understand that? This is not your fault, ok? Do not say you are sorry."

"But I am, Logan! I see what this is doing to you, I see right through that mask you are wearing. And you're telling me it's ok to be scared, what about you? You don't have to be strong for me."

"I know, but I want to. You need someone to hold you up and if that person isn't strong, you both fall." Logan turned his head and wiped away a few tears that fell from his eyes.

"You're not the only person who has to hold me up. And besides, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself."

Logan didn't even bother hiding his tears now. "But that's the thing, James! You always think it's up to you and you alone to fix yourself. You need to learn to ask for help."

James let out a sob and Logan wrapped his arms around James. "I know I do, but it makes me feel weak, like I can't handle my own problems."

"I know you f-feel like th-that. I would t-too. But that's w-what your friends are f-for. To help you."

James let it all out then. He cried into Logan's shoulder and Logan cried on James' head. They cried for ten minutes and when James pulled away, Logan wiped his eyes and smiled at James. James smiled back.

"Thank you, Logan. For… everything."

"You're my best friend, James. I would do anything for you."

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><p><strong>LONGEST CHAPTER YET! WOO HOO! I, personally, really like the one on one moment between Logan and James. Don't ask me why, I just love those. I think the ending wasn't my best, but the rest I really, really like. This is definitely one of my favorite chapters so far. But what I think isn't the point, what do YOU think?<strong>


	14. Hallway Talks

**Oh my gosh! Apparently you guys really liked the last chapter too! Thanks for all the support!**

**Ok, so FYI, I'm going out of town this weekend with my parents and best friend. Can anyone say road trip? Anyways, expect the next chapter either late Sunday or early Monday. It just depends on how tired I am :P. I'm hoping for lots of reviews when I get back!**

**Disclaimer: You know what? I'm getting sick of these. I think we all know by now that I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>Thirty minutes into the session, James was really starting to feel it. His stomach hurt to a degree he couldn't imagine possible and every little movement made him think he was going to puke. Five minutes later, Kendall and Carlos came quietly in, Carlos holding a tray with three coffees. Kendall and Carlos sat down on the remaining chairs and handed Logan the extra coffee.<p>

"How did the conference go?" James moaned, his voice hoarse and not looking away from the ceiling.

"It went pretty well," Kendall said gently. "A lot of the kids at the Palm Woods should up and everyone was pretty… shocked at the news."

"Yeah, they asked, like a bazillion questions," Carlos said and took a sip of his coffee.

James turned to his side so he could look at his friends and a flash of pain flashed across his face. Kendall quickly went to his bedside and put his hand on his back. After two minutes of extreme pain in his stomach, he knew what was coming next. Luckily, Carlos noticed it to and handed the bucket to James just in time for him to vomit.

Kendall rubbed circles on James' back while Logan pushed his bangs out of his eyes and Carlos said comforting things to him. After what seemed like forever, James finally stopped vomiting and leaned back onto the pillows. Carlos gave him a small smile and went to the bathroom to clean out his bucket for him. Logan handed him some water, but Kendall just stood there, staring. He knew that this was going to happen, but there was a difference between knowing and actually seeing. James was fighting for his life right before his very eyes, and there was nothing he could do about it.

James handed the cup back toLogan. "Thanks," he managed to croak out.

Logan nodded and sat back down on his chair. Kendall mumbled something about needing the restroom and ran out the door. Just as he turned to go down the hall, Carlos seemed to come out from nowhere and they ran into each other, each falling to the ground.

Carlos got up, brushed himself off, and held out his hand to help Kendall up. Kendall gladly took the hand and Carlos pulled him up. "You alright, dude?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah, I just… wasn't looking where I was going," Kendall said, his hand behind his neck and his eyes looking at his feet.

"Is something bothering you?"

"No," Kendall said a bit too quickly.

"Are you sure? 'Cause you know you can come to me for anything. Logan and James too."

"I-I know that. It's just… no, never mind, it's nothing."

"No, Kendall, if it's bothering you, it's not nothing. Please talk to me."

Kendall sighed and sat down on the floor, leaning up against the wall. Carlos walked over and sat down beside him. For a couple of minutes, Kendall just stared at the wall at the other side of the hall, debating whether or not to tell Carlos. Finally, he sighed and turned to Carlos.

"I am completely powerless. Ever since the day we all met in kindergarden, I promised myself I would protect all of you no matter what. And for 11 years, I've kept that promise. Now, James is in that hospital room, _fighting for his life,_ and what am I doing? A big fat nothing," Kendall said, the sadness dripping from his voice.

Carlos looked at Kendall and fought back the tears he felt forming in his eyes. "Kendall, believe me, I know what you are feeling. We are all feeling that… that feeling of complete helplessness. But there is nothing you can do. It's all up to James now, and you need to accept that."

"But you don't understand. It is my job to protect you all, from everything."

"Kendall? Do you remember that time in third grade when that one boy was picking on me? You told him that if he ever did it again, you would him so hard that he was going to wish you used a baseball bat instead of your fist. And let me tell you, he didn't bother me anymore. At least not when you were around."

Carlos saw the shocked look in Kendall's eyes, since Carlos had never told him the boy kept bullying him, but he kept going. "I remember when we went on that fieldtrip to the zoo and they put you, me, James, and Logan in four different groups because they thought we were going to let the elephants loose or something… Anyways, they put me in the same group as that kid and he was really letting me have it. Finally, towards the end of the fieldtrip, I finally had had enough. I hit him, really hard, and I told him never to talk to me, you, James, or Logan ever again. And you know what? _He never did._"

"I don't get your point," Kendall said.

"My point is, this cancer is James' bully. You can't make it leave him alone, neither can me or Logan. Only James can. James needs to stand up to his 'bully' and that's the only way it's going to leave him alone."

"But Carlos, this isn't a third grade bully. This disease… it could _kill_ him."

"I know that. I really do. I know that you guys think I don't really get what's happening, but I do. I really do. I know that James could… he could die. But that's all you're thinking about. You keep forgetting that there is a really good chance of him beating it. But if he's going to do that, he's going to need us to be with him and help him. He says he doesn't need help, but we all know that he doesn't mean it. He needs us."

"Carlos, sometimes you know just what to say."

Carlos jumped up and beamed. "I do have my moments. Now, if you excuse me, I need to get this barf bucket back to James."

Kendall chuckled and got up too. But he made no move to the door.

"You coming?" Carlos asked, clearly confused.

"I'll be there in a few minutes," Kendall said. "I think I'll go find a vending machine and get something to eat."

"Alright, but hurry up and get back."

"I will."

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><p><strong>Ok! There it is! Bet you weren't expecting <em>Carlos <em>to be comforting _Kendall!_ Or maybe you were… I don't know what goes on in your guy's heads. Either way, Carlos has his moments, and where better to put them than this story?**

**Reviews?**


	15. Finished

**I'm back...**

**Oh my gosh! Thank you all so much for your reviews! You have no idea what each and every review means to me! Also thanks for all who wished me a great trip! You all rule!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing BTR**

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><p>Five minutes later, Kendall was walking back to James' room, eating a bag of Cheetos. When he reached James' door, he quickly ate whatever was left in the bag and threw it away; James definitely didn't need to see or smell Cheetos right now. Kendall licked away any stray cheese and opened the door. He walked in and all eyes turned to him. Kendall blushed and took a seat in his chair.<p>

"Are you ok?" James croaked.

"How I'm doing isn't important. How _you're_ doing, that's what I'm worried about," Kendall responded.

"Kendall, just answer my question."

"I'm ok, James. I just went to get something to eat."

James' stomach turned at the mere mention of food, but he just nodded and pulled his knees to his chest, hoping that it would help settle his stomach. It didn't, but James was just too weak to return to his original position.

Logan put his hand on James' back and started to rub it. James groaned, but he didn't ask him to stop. Logan wore a sad look on his face, but no one said anything. They all sat there in silence. And thirty minutes later, they were still in the same positions, no one saying anything still. Finally, Carlos reached over to James' side table and grabbed the remote. He switched on the TV and after flipping through the channels for a few minutes, he finally settled on a rerun of SpongeBob. James tried to focus his attention on the TV, but the constant movements just made him nauseous. So, instead, he closed his eyes and tried to just be quiet.

But with his friends, that was impossible.

With every moan or groan and look of discomfort James gave, his friends would be right there, asking a million questions at once.

"Are you ok?"

"Do you need us to get anything for you?"

"Do you need the doctor?"

On and on they went, never giving James a minute of peace until he assured them he was ok. And five minutes later, he would let out another moan and the cycle would start again. And during another one of their 20 question games, James had had enough.

"Guys," James sighed, interrupting their rant. They all stared at him. "I really appreciate your concern, but if one of you asks me if I'm ok one more time, I am going to scream."

They all looked at James with confused looks on their faces, but finally sat back down.

"Thank you," James said, closing his eyes again.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan looked at James with this sad looks on their faces. They just wanted to help, but at the same time, they understood James wanting them to stop. They knew James didn't want a big deal to be made out of this, but doing that for him was easier said than done.

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><p>Two and a half hours into the session, James felt like he was about to die. His stomach felt like it was on fire and he had thrown up three more times since that first time. James was about to ask one of the guys to go get Dr. Anderson, but when he opened his mouth to ask, he heard a knock on the door.<p>

"Come in!" Carlos yelled to the door.

James heard the door open and pair of feet walk across the tile floor and he turned to see Mrs. Knight standing in the middle of the room, holding a vase of flowers that had a card in it. She smiled at James, but her eyes showed the worry she was really feeling.

"These are from the people at the Palm Woods," she said, holding the vase out for James to see better. "Everyone signed the card, even Mr. Bitters."

James smiled, but was just too weak to say anything in response. Mrs. Knight saw this and just put the vase on the bedside table. Kendall sat up from his seat and held out his arm, inviting her to take a seat. Mrs. Knight thanked him and sat down.

"How long has he been going?" Mrs. Knight whispered to Kendall.

"A little over three hours," Kendall whispered back.

Mrs. Knight nodded and looked over to James. The look on his face said it all. He was in a living nightmare, and Mrs. Knight hated she could do nothing to help him. It was no secret that Mrs. Knight loved to take care of her sick children, but that was when they had the flu or strep throat. She had never had to deal with something as serious as cancer, at least not with her children. Now, she was living with this, and she had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

If it was this hard for her, Mrs. Knight could only imagine what Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were going through. They had known each other since they were five years old and nothing like this has ever happened before. She knows there is nothing she can do to make this any easier on them, and that too killed her.

For the first time since they came to L.A., no one had any idea what to do.

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><p>A couple of minutes later, there was another knock at the door. One of the boys called for whoever it was to come in, and James heard the door open and someone walk in. Slowly, James opened his eyes and looked to see who came in. Dr. Anderson, who else?<p>

"Hey, James, how are you feeling?" Dr. Anderson asked gently.

James tried to glare at him, but he was just too weak. So, instead he groaned at him.

"I take it you aren't feeling well," Dr. Anderson said softly. "Well, the good news is that you're down for the day. Ally will be here in just a minute to help me get that IV out of you."

Just then, there was a soft knock at the door. "And there she is now," Dr. Anderson said as he walked over to the door and opened it. Ally came in, looking at the ground. "Ok, Ally, you learned how to take an IV out, didn't you?"

"Yes, Sir," Ally said quietly. She walked over to James and gently unhooked the IV. James thanked her and she gave a tiny smile before excusing herself and leaving the room.

"Ally just graduated from nursing school. She's still learning her way around. As you've probably noticed, she's a bit shy, but she's really a sweet girl," Dr. Anderson to the group. "But anyways, you'll probably start feeling a little better in maybe half an hour. If you think you're up to it, I'll have a nurse bring you some food in a little while."

"Alright," James croaked. "Thank you."

Dr. Anderson smiled. "No problem, James. I'll come check on you in a little while." With that said, Dr. Anderson turned and went back through the door.

"How you feeling?" Carlos asked once they were alone.

James put his hands on his face. "Longest three hours _of my life_." His answer was a bit muffled by his hands.

"Well, the doctor said you're going to feel better soon. What do you want to do when you feel better?" Carlos said innocently.

"Sleep," James sighed truthfully.

"Oh," Carlos said, trying not to sound disappointed. "That'll work."

But James didn't wait to feel better until he fell asleep. Ten minutes later, he was in a deep, unbreakable sleep. Mrs. Knight decided to go talk with James' doctor, which left the three conscious boys alone.

"Wow," Logan said after a few moments of silence.

"I didn't think it would be that bad," Kendall said back.

"He was really… sick," Carlos said. "But he'll be better when he wakes up, right?"

"He's going to be feeling pretty bad for the next couple of days," Logan said. "But then, he'll start feeling better."

"Oh," Carlos said simply.

So, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan turned on the TV back on and started watching another rerun of SpongeBob. After the fourth or fifth episode, James started to stir in his sleep. The episode after that, he finally woke up.

James sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "What's going on?" he mumbled.

"Nothing much, you fell asleep, so we've just been watching TV," Kendall said, turning his attention away from the TV and to James.

"I still don't feel good," James mumbled.

"You'll feel better in a couple of days," Logan assured him.

James groaned again and turned to his side. He didn't feel like he was going to throw up, but nausea was still present in his stomach. All he wanted was to go back to sleep, but he didn't know if that was happening anytime soon.

"Do you want to have some fun?" Carlos asked excitedly.

"No," James said, eyes closed.

Carlos pouted, but he knew better than to try to convince James otherwise. They turned back to the TV, and James was back to sleep in a matter of minutes.

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><p><strong>Ok, I had major writer's block towards the end of the chapter, so I'm sorry if that part totally stinks. But even if it does, PLEASE review still! It'll make my day!<strong>


	16. Frustration

**Wow, just… wow. I cannot believe the response I have gotten for this story. Thank you all so much. I love you guys!**

**Oh, and a big thanks to Twisted Illusions for the ideas for this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: As much as it pains me to admit it, I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>James was asleep for another half an hour before he woke back up. Although his stomach still felt, off he felt slightly better than before and that's when he noticed that he was hungry. James slowly opened his eyes and saw his three best friends staring intently at the television screen. He laughed to himself and cleared his throat, indicating he was awake. Their heads turned instantly.<p>

"Hi, James," Kendall said. "How you doing?"

"I feel a little better, I guess," James responded. "How long have I been out?"

"About thirty minutes," Logan answered.

"Um… Did Dr. Anderson say when I could eat?" James asked carefully.

"Yeah, he came in a little while ago. Do you want us to go get him?" Carlos asked excitedly.

"That's ok, you don't have to go hunt him down. There's a call button, you know."

"Oh, oh yeah," Carlos said sheepishly. "I… forgot."

James chuckled and pressed the call button on his bed. After a few moments of waiting, there was a knock at the door followed by Dr. Anderson walking through.

"You rang, James?" Dr. Anderson said, smiling.

"Yeah, I was wondering if I could maybe get something to eat," James asked.

"Yeah, no problem. I'll send a nurse to get you a snack." James thanked the doctor and received a smile in response. Dr. Anderson said a quick goodbye to the other boys and left the room. James turned back to his friends and smiled, but didn't say anything to them. There wasn't any need to.

Five minutes later, there was a soft knock at the door followed by the sound of it opening and closing. James looked up to see an older nurse carrying a tray with some suspicious looking goop on it.

"Here's the food you requested, Mr. Diamond," the nurse said calmly. She placed the tray on the bedside table beside the flowers. James thanked her, she patted him gently on the arm, and left the room. For a moment, all four boys just stayed at the so-called "food".

Finally, Carlos spoke what they were all thinking. "What is _that?_"

"I think it's supposed to be… broth, maybe? Stew?" Kendall said, still staying at the tray.

"I don't know…" Logan objected.

"Only one way to find out," James sighed as he took the spoon and filled it with the "broth and/or stew". He cocked his head to the side and put the spoon in his mouth. He got this disgusted look and his face and the three other boys could see how he forced it down. As soon as it was down, James shook his head and made a gagging noise. He pushed the tray away and glared at it. "No more. I really don't think my stomach can handle that right now."

"Well, do you want to watch some TV?" Carlos said hopefully.

James sighed and gave a small smile. "What else is there to do?"

Carlos beamed and grabbed the remote. He started flipping through the channels and settled on a hockey game after five minutes. The game ended after an hour, so Kendall changed it back to SpongeBob. They watched episode after episode until seven o'clock when Mrs. Knight and a nurse walked into the room.

"Ok, boys," Mrs. Knight said.

"Ok, what?" Kendall said suspiciously.

"Visiting hours are over," the nurse said firmly. Logan and Carlos each sighed and eased themselves up reluctantly, but Kendall stayed where he was.

"Kendall, honey, did you hear me?" Mrs. Knight asked. "Visiting hours are over. We have to leave."

"Oh, I heard you. But I'm not leaving," Kendall said, still sitting in his chair.

"We don't have a choice, honey."

"Too bad. I am not leaving James."

"Kendall, come with us. _Now._"

Kendall knew that tone of voice his mother just used, and it would be suicide to go against it. But could he really just leave James? He was scared and sick enough as it is, does he really need to be alone? But if he didn't go now, his mother would never let him hear the end of it. Kendall sighed, he didn't know whether or not to fight it. "No."

Mrs. Knight crossed her arms, leaned her weight on her left side, and gave Kendall a look he had only seen a few select times. Kendall gulped, Logan kept looking between Mrs. Knight and Kendall, and Carlos just stood there with an emotionless expression on his face.

James was the only one bold enough to speak. "You need to go home, Kendall."

Kendall's head whipped around and he gave James a shocked look. "Wh-what?"

"You heard me. C'mon, just go home, eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed. I'll be here in the morning."

"No way."

"Kendall, please. For me?"

Now how could Kendall refuse that?

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><p>James sighed and looked around the room. He had been alone for about an hour now, his friends being forced to leave him. It took some major convincing, but Kendall had finally agreed to leave. James looked around and sighed again. He was completely alone. Although the session had ended hours ago, James still felt really sick and, according to Logan, he would for the next few days.<p>

Suddenly James was frustrated. Before this stupid cancer happened, he _never _got sick, it just didn't happen. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were the ones who were always sick, but for James, it had only happened a few times in his short life. Now look at him.

James never thought he could feel this sick at one point. He never imagined the chemo could make him feel so horrible. Again, James got frustrated. Why did this have to happen? More importantly, why did it have to happen to _him_?

Sighing, James looked over at the vase of flowers Mrs. Knight had brought. It was in a clear vase and had lilies, daisies, and various other flowers popping out. James reached over and grabbed the card peeking out. On the front was a star and written in cursive underneath, "Get well soon!" James smiled and opened it up, but his mouth gaped when he looked at it. Every single inch of space was covered in some sort of writing or signature. Everyone at the Palm Woods had signed it, Tyler, Guitar Dude, the Jennifers, Buddha Bob, even Mr. Bitters.

A twist of pain clouded James' mind. As much as he appreciates and loves the card, he wished he didn't need one. James is only sixteen, almost seventeen. He shouldn't be faced with something like this, something that could tear his life apart. But at the same time, James knows he isn't too young. He's heard stories of four-year-olds battling with cancer, and many of them survived. Couldn't he? Many of them lived. Why couldn't he?

But that was it. _Many _of them survived, _many _of them lived. Many, as in not all. James was trying to be brave, for himself, his family. But his strength was wearing thin, and James knew it. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he was absolutely terrified.

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><p><strong>Okey dokey, I am so sorry. I had the worst writer's block I've ever had on this chapter, so I'm sorry it's so sucky. Expect an update within the next few days…<strong>

**Dare I ask for reviews?**


	17. Back Home

**And here I am! Sorry it's been a bit of a wait, I'll do my best to make the time shorter between updates. **

**Disclaimer: I'm sure you all are convinced that I own Big Time Rush. But I don't.**

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><p>James fell asleep at about eleven o'clock that night. He tried to go to sleep at eight, but kept tossing and turning until he was just so exhausted, he fell asleep. But, of course, he didn't get a good sleep. James felt just so sick and uncomfortable that he tossed and turned the entire night.<p>

At seven in the morning, James was rudely awoken by his three best friends barreling into the room. James jumped up with a start and looked wildly around the room. "What are you guys _doing_?" James exhaled.

Immediately, the three healthy boys settled down. "Sorry, James," Kendall winced. "We got a little excited."

"What time did visiting hours start?" James asked while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"7," Carlos said, smiling.

"And what time is it now?" James asked.

Kendall drew out his arm dramatically and looked at his wrist, which had a small digital watch on it. After studying it for a moment, he looked back up. "7:01," he smirked. James laughed and shook his head. His friends were the absolute best.

"So, how you feeling, buddy? Did you get a good night's sleep?" Logan asked concerned.

"Yeah, it was great," James lied. He would tell his friends how his night was an emotional roller coaster, but he just couldn't. His friends already thought he was helpless enough as it is.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan didn't look convinced, but they didn't press the matter. Everyone looked nervously around the too white room before James broke the uncomfortable silence. "When can I leave?"

"Uh, I don't think it'll be too much longer. Mrs. Knight's talking to some doctor about it right now," Carlos offered. James nodded his head and they all fell back into a silence that wasn't awkward, but it wasn't exactly fun either.

After ten minutes, Carlos sighed. "This stinks."

Kendall and Logan's heads whipped over to Carlos and they gave him a look that clearly told Carlos to shut up. Carlos ducked his head and looked at the ground.

James looked like he was on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry I'm putting you guys through this. I know it stinks."

Kendall sat down on James' bed and put his hand on James' shoulder. "None of this is your fault, ok? So don't apologize for something you can't control. You just focus on getting better, not on us."

James cocked his head and gave Kendall a side smile. "Kendall, I know that all _you_ care about is me getting better, you all do. But all _I _care about is how you guys are doing. I know if I were you, I would be falling apart. So, just tell me: are you ok?"

Despite the situation, Logan laughed. "I swear, James, you never think about yourself. Here you are, bedridden, and you're asking us if we're ok. Seriously, we don't matter right now. All that we're concerned about is-"

"Me and how I'm doing, I know. I'm ok, how many times do I have to say that? The only thing that's wrong with me is the cancer, but you guys have to deal with one of your best friends having cancer. I can't even imagine going through that. So, in a way, you guys have it worse than I do."

Carlos scoffed. "Yeah, we totally have it worse than you. You have leukemia, we don't. We got to go home last night, you didn't. We don't have to wonder if today is going to be the last day, but you do. James, you have it worse in every way imaginable."

"That's what you think." Everybody stared at James, but they didn't ask what he meant by his words. In a way, they already knew.

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><p>"Ok, James," Dr. Anderson said as he walked into the room. "Mrs. Knight just signed your discharge papers. You're free to go."<p>

James grinned and pushed himself out of the bed. He started towards the door, but was stopped by Dr. Anderson.

"Now, remember, your immune system is very weak at the moment. So when you get home, no swimming, no running, no dancing, no singing, no performing, no guests. For the next few days just… _rest._"

James smiled a half smile. "Sure thing, Doc, no problem."

"I'm being serious, James. In your apartment is the only place you can be. If you don't, and you catch something, that could be serious, _very_ serious."

James sighed. "Ok, ok, I'll stay inside the apartment."

Dr. Anderson smiled. "_Now_ you're free to go."

Kendall grabbed James' bag which was one the ground next to the bed and the four boys walked out the door. Carlos and Logan hovered over to James, ready to help him if need be, and for once, James didn't care. They made their way over to the elevators and down to the lobby. Mrs. Knight and Katie were waiting at the front desk both wearing big smiles. When the four boys approached, Mrs. Knight gave James a quick hug and took James' bag from Kendall.

"You boys ready to go?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"YES!" they all yelled at once.

Mrs. Knight laughed and led the way to the front doors. She parked the minivan right up front so James wouldn't have to walk too far. James got into the front seat, Carlos and Katie got in the very back, and Kendall and Logan got onto the back seat. Mrs. Knight climbed into the driver's seat and turned on the engine. Due to the L.A. traffic, they didn't get back to the Palm Woods until twenty minutes later. Once they got back, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan helped James out of the car while Katie grabbed the bag and went into the lobby.

"Guys, guys, I'm ok," James argued. "I can get myself into the lobby."

James shook the other boys off and slowly walked into the Palm Woods. The small group carefully made their way to the elevators, avoiding the other kids and ignoring the looks they got. Once in the elevators, Carlos pressed the button for the second floor and they waited. James kept his head down and pretended to be studying the fabric of his shirt, but his best friends knew he was just trying to avoid them.

The elevator dinged a few minutes later and the doors opened to reveal the hallway leading to 2J. Mrs. Knight and Katie went first, then Carlos, Kendall, Logan, and finally James. Mrs. Knight held the door for everyone and patted Kendall supportively on the back. Kendall smiled, but didn't return the gesture. Katie placed the bag by the couch and quickly excused herself downstairs to the pool.

"Ok, James, remember what your doctor said," Mrs. Knight scolded. "You need to-"

"Rest, I know," James sighed. "I know the drill."

Mrs. Knight gave him a small, sad smile. "I know this is hard, James. But we'll get through this, you'll see."

James just stared at the wall. "I've been hearing that a lot lately."

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><p><strong>Gosh that was horrible. But it was more of a filler chapter, so I don't feel too bad. Also, I am so sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. I've just been so busy lately, but it's a three day weekend, so I'll try to write ahead so updates will come more often. Just be patient! <strong>

**Psssst! Can you find the button that says _Review This Chapter_? Ok, now press it and write a review!**


	18. Fights

**Hey everybody! Ok, so this chapter is sort of weird, but at the same time, we all knew it was going to happen eventually…**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Big Time Rush**

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><p>James tried to fight his friends, he really tried hard to fight off the tiredness he felt. But in the end, he obeyed Kendall, Carlos, and Logan and just laid down on the couch. Logan got him a blanket and Carlos grabbed his pillows from James' bed. James reluctantly took the pillows and blanket and spread out on the couch.<p>

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Carlos asked James.

"I don't care," James said softly.

"C'mon, James," Kendall argued, "it'll be fun."

"Fine," James sighed.

Logan moved over to the DVD rack since he was closest and started rummaging through it. "What do you want to watch? We have comedies, and action, mystery maybe?"

"Um, whatever you guys want to watch. It doesn't really matter to me," James said, eyes closed.

"We want to watch what you want to watch," Kendall encouraged.

"Will you guys just stop it!" James yelled and sat up. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan's heads whipped around and they gave him confused looks, but before they had a chance to ask what was wrong, James answered. "This is exactly what I didn't want. You all are babying me like I'm helpless, and you all know I didn't want that. Everything's what_ I_ want to do, what _I _want to watch, how _I_ feel. Well, I'm telling you right now that I do not want you waiting on me hand and foot. I want you to treat me as you always have. I'm still the same James I've always been, just with a few more problems now."

Kendall moved closer to James. "But we just want you to get better. And to do that, you need to just back down and let us help you. It's ok to ask for help, James. We wouldn't think any less of you."

James sighed. "That's thing, Kendall! I do not need your help. I can do this myself, just like I can handle everything else by myself. So, if I really need help, I'll ask, but other than that, I don't need help."

"James, why can't you just admit you need us? You need help, and as much as your ignorant pride won't let you accept it, you cannot do this on your own! So just stop it and let us help you!"

"I don't need your help! I've never needed your help! And as much as your pride won't accept it, you don't know everything! You don't know me and what I do and do not need!"

"What are you trying to say?" Anger was glistened in Kendall's voice.

"Did I stutter, Kendall? You heard me! You don't know everything and you're not the boss of everything!"

Carlos and Logan looked at each other. The four boys didn't fight often, but when they did, the others were to stay out of it. So that's what they did. Carlos moved over to Logan and they decided to just wait it out.

Kendall stood up. "Well, what about you, pretty boy? You're not the center of attention! The only thing you care about is your hair and your face. You don't care about singing, or your family, and you most certainly don't care about us!"

James, too, stood up. "That's what you think! At least I know when to shut my mouth and let people handle their own problems! And if I only care about my hair, then you only care about how you can run the show! I know when to step back, but you don't! You're not happy unless you're running the show!"

"Look who's talking! You're not happy unless you're in the spotlight and, frankly, it's getting pretty annoying!"

"And you're _not _annoying? Everything I do, you need to have an input. You won't let me do anything on my own!"

"That's because you can't do anything on your own! Look at everything you have ever tried without me. When you tried to go solo? Fail. When you auditioned by yourself? Fail. Even when you try to make a simple sandwich, it's a fail. Don't you see the pattern? Everything you have ever done without my help has been a complete and total fail. And you want to know why? _Because you are a failure._"

Logan stared at Kendall. He could not believe Kendall had just said that. He _knew_ how James felt about the audition and the time he went solo. He _knew_ that was a sensitive subject for James, but he still said those words. Those hurtful, hurtful words.

Carlos was trying to block this whole fight out. The only thing coursing through his head was kittens, cute, fluffy, playful kittens. He didn't like it when people fought, especially when those people were his best friends. So, Carlos just sat back and thought happy thoughts about kittens.

Kendall immediately felt guilty as soon as the words left his mouth, but he wasn't about to back down. Kendall knew he went out of line, but he was just so… _mad _and that was all he could think about. Even though he knew how James felt about his failures, he still said it. He hurt his best friend. And that was not cool, whether he had cancer or not.

James just stared at Kendall. He didn't want to fight, and he wasn't even completely sure what they were fighting about. Either way, they were both mad, and neither was about to back down. "Is that really what you think about me?" he said calmly.

Kendall took a deep breath. "Is that really what you think of _me_?"

James hesitated before answering. "I thought it wasn't, but I'm not so sure anymore."

"You can't be serious, James."

"I don't know anymore. I thought you were one of my best friends, but if that's how you feel about me, I guess I was wrong." James started to make his way to his room, but was stopped by Kendall pulling him back. James sighed, he should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

"That's not true, James. I didn't mean a word of what I just said. You are such an amazing person. You are not a failure, your talents and your passion is what got us here, not me. You can do anything you want, and you can be anyone you want to be. And you don't need me to accomplish the success you will achieve."

"But I do need you. I need all of you. If it wasn't for you all, I don't know where I would be." Kendall didn't respond, so James decided to continue. "I'm sorry, I overreacted. I really do appreciate you guys caring so much. I really shouldn't be complaining."

"You're not the one who should be apologizing, I should. I am so sorry. You told us at the beginning of all of this that all you wanted was for us not to treat you any differently. And that's pretty much all we've been doing."

"No, all you guys have been doing is trying to help and I'm just being really ungrateful."

"No, you aren't. You're just still adjusting to all of this. Just like us."

By now, Carlos figured it was safe to cut into the conversation. "You have every reason to be mad. We'll try harder not to baby you and just treat you the way we always have. But you have to understand that we're still going to waiting on you, just until you start feeling better again."

James smiled, but all this fighting and forgiving and bromance has really tired him out. "I'm just going to head to bed. I'll be down later."

With that, James grabbed his pillows and headed up to his room.

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><p><strong>Ok, so I totally wasn't planning a fight between Kendall and James. It just worked out like that. But with Kendall's anger management issues, it was only a matter of time. I feel like this was kind of forced, but that's ok. The next chapter is what I'm waiting for. I'll try to post that tomorrow, but if not, be expecting it either Friday or Saturday since I'll be out of town from Wednesday to Friday.<strong>


	19. Painful Realizations

**Ok, so I've noticed kind of a decrease in reviews. I know I shouldn't be concerned, but if there something I'm doing wrong, _please _let me know! But still, thanks to all who have been reviewing, it means so much to me!**

**Disclaimer: Gosh, I hate these. I don't own BTR.**

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><p>The week passed uneventfully. Although things were a little tense between Kendall and James for a few days, they both decided not to let a stupid fight change things and they both got over it. The L.A.C.C. called and scheduled James' next session two weeks after his first one, and James' family called and said they would come visit him during his second session. James was excited for his family's visit, but at the same time, nervous. He didn't want his family to see him during the chemo, scared and so very sick. His older brother, Nick, hadn't even seen him since before he was diagnosed and James was NOT looking forward to his only sibling seeing him like this.<p>

The first few days after James' chemo session were incredibly boring. All he could do was hang out around the apartment and watch TV. No working, no pool, no guests. The only people he saw that whole time were Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight, and that was starting to drive him crazy. So, as soon as the doctor gave him the all clear, James was out of the apartment for the whole day, only to return for dinner.

The week before James' next chemo session, the four boys went to the studio a couple hours a day, but they never stayed long or did anything strenuous because James simply couldn't handle it. Thankfully, Gustavo was still treating all four boys the same horrible way he always has, so James didn't feel uncomfortable or different.

"Do you want to go down to the pool?" Logan asked one particular boring day one week before James' second chemo session.

James hesitated. He had been feeling insecure around the kids at the Palm Woods. Now that everyone knew about his condition, they had either been treating him like he would break or they would ignore him altogether. But he didn't want to ruin the other guys' fun, so he would just suck it up. "Sure, let me just run my lucky comb through my hair real fast." Kendall, Carlos, and Logan rolled their eyes. Some things never change…

James ignored the looks his friends gave him and walked into the bathroom. He pulled out his ever present lucky comb from his back pocket and ran it all around his hair. James looked in the mirror and smiled. If he was going to be sick, he was going to look good doing it.

James was about to put the comb back into his pocket, but something caught his eye and he held the comb out to inspect it. What he saw made his heart stop and his stomach drop.

There was a clump of hair stuck in it.

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><p><em>No, no, no, no<em>, was the only thing going through James' mind. _This can't be happening. No, no, it's not happening. This is just a dream, yeah, that's it. I'm going to wake up with all of my hair still on my head._

But no matter what James told himself, he knew deep down what was happening. He knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later, but he just didn't think it would happen so soon. James just stood there in the bathroom, staring at the small piece of plastic.

This can't be happening. No. His hair was James' thing. If he didn't have his hair, then who was James Diamond? Kendall was the leader, Logan was the smart one, and Carlos was the funny one. James had always been the pretty one. But if he couldn't be pretty, then who could he be?

Suddenly, James felt incredibly claustrophobic. He felt like the walls of the bathroom were closing in on him. James threw down his lucky comb to the ground and ran out of the bathroom. He looked wildly around the living room and his friends gave him concerned looks, but James offered no explanation. He couldn't talk to anyone right now, he needed to be alone. Still breathing heavily, James ran out of apartment 2J.

"What was _that_ about?" Logan asked once the front door slammed shut.

"I have no idea," Kendall said, equally puzzled. "He was just going to fix his hair and then we were going to go! What could possibly have happened in the bathroom?"

"Only one way to find out," Carlos said as he got up and turned to the direction of the costume. Kendall and Logan got up too and followed Carlos into the bathroom.

At first glance, nothing seemed to be wrong. The shower, the sink, all of James' hair care products, everything was as it should be. So what made James so upset? After looking around for a minute or two, Kendall finally looked down. He bent down and picked up the comb lying on the ground. He carefully reached out and touched the tuff of hair still wedged in the teeth. By now, Carlos and Logan had bent down too.

"This is not good," Carlos said. "Where do you think he went?"

"He obviously didn't want to talk to us, so he probably went somewhere he could be alone," Logan said matter-of-factly. "I don't think he would go back up to the roof since that's where we would expect him to go. The park, maybe?"

"I don't know," Kendall said, still staring at the comb. "Maybe we should just let him cool off and he'll come back on his own."

"You know, this is one of the things he was really afraid of," Carlos said as he stood back up. "He told me so."

Logan and Kendall stood back up, too. Kendall pulled out the hair, threw it away, and put the comb in his own back pocket. "Let's just wait it out. If he's not back in a little while, we'll go look for him," Kendall said.

"Yeah," Logan agreed. "He'll be back soon enough."

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><p>James didn't know where he was going exactly. He wasn't thinking as he stormed out of the apartment, he just let his feet carry him to wherever he was going. James didn't have a car, or even a bike, so there weren't a lot of places he could go. But there was one place in the Palm Woods that nobody knew about, only the maintenance staff and himself, Buddha Bob had told him about it.<p>

James took a sharp turn by the elevator and ran to the stairway. He started going down, down, down. He went as far down as he could, to the basement. Once he got to the basement, he went to the back corner and moved aside some bags and boxes. Once he moved everything aside, he saw what he wanted to see.

A door.

A door leading to the abandoned cellar that no one ever used. James carefully opened it and walked inside. It was dirty and it was dark, but James still went inside. It was, in a way, peaceful. No people, or lights, or L.A. buzz. It was just… there. James sat down and leaned up against the wall. James could feel the tears well up in his eyes, so he closed them in an attempt to stop them from falling.

Why?

A simple word that could haunt a person for the rest of their lives. It was only three letters and one syllable, but it had the power to tie someone down and keep them there forever. James didn't want that to happen to him. He wanted to be someone. He wanted to be famous.

James decided right then and there that he would beat this cancer, he would survive. He would survive, and he would make something of his life. He didn't care what it took, or how long or hard it would be, he would make out.

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><p>"How long has he been gone?" Carlos asked for the hundredth time.<p>

Logan sighed. "An hour and a half."

"When's he going to come back?"

"How am I supposed to know, Carlos? I've been here, with you, this entire time!"

"You don't need to yell, _Logan_!"

"It's kind of hard not to when you won't shut up, _Carlos_!"

Kendall let out a frustrated sigh. He really didn't need this right now. "Guys! Stop it! I'm sure James will be back any minute, and when he does, he's not going to want to hear you two fighting!"

Carlos and Logan crossed their arms and sent each other daggers, but they both agreed that Kendall was right. James did not need them fighting. They sat around for five more minutes, watching, but really paying attention to the TV. Then they heard the sound of a door opening. Immediately, their heads snapped towards the source of the noise and when James came in and closed the door, he noticed their looks and ducked his head sheepishly.

For a while, there was no noise. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sat on the couch, staring at James, and James stood at the door, staring at Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. Finally, James walked over to the others and sat down.

"Uh, sorry for, uh, running out like that," James said, his head down and his hand on the back of his neck.

"No, don't apologize," Kendall said quickly. "We, uh, found your… you know, lucky comb. And the hair."

"I knew this was going to happen, I just didn't think it would happen so soon," James said, head still down.

"Why is losing your hair affecting you so much?" Carlos asked bluntly. Kendall and Logan gave him yet another 'shut up look', but Carlos didn't take his question back. This needed to be answered.

James looked up and the look he had on his face broke his best friends' hearts. There were unshed tears in his eyes and the look of just complete sadness covered his face. "Ever since we were five-years-old, there has always been a certain way to things. Logan, you've always been the smart one. Carlos, you're the funny one. And Kendall, you've always been kind of the leader. But what about me?" Kendall, Carlos, and Logan opened their mouths to respond, but James stopped them. "I've always been the pretty one, the good looking one, the lady's man one. If I don't have my hair, I can't be that. So, if I can't be the pretty one, then who can I be? Who am I?"

"James, there is so much more to you than a pretty face," Kendall said, compassion in his eyes. "You're smart too, and funny, and a leader. Who has kept us driven and reminded us why we're even here? You. Who can make me laugh even when I think my world is crashing down? You. Who was willing to give their dream to their best friend? You."

James opened his mouth to protest, but Logan stopped him. "Kendall is right. You can be anyone you want to be, and you can be that person with or without hair."

"Don't you see, James? You're not our friend because of your looks. You're our friend because of who you are," Carlos said.

James shook his head. "But everybody's going to stare. And now it won't even be the people at the Palm Woods. It'll be everybody. I'm not going out there looking like that."

Kendall sighed. "Then we'll just have to prevent that." James, Carlos, and Logan gave him a confused look, but Kendall just got up from his spot and walked into his and James' room. He came out a minute later holding something behind his back.

"What is that?" James said, motioning to whatever it was Kendall had.

Kendall smiled and held out something to James. James looked at Kendall's hands and saw a gray, tightly knitted beanie. The same beanie that Kendall's grandma knitted for him before she passed away; it was Kendall's all-time favorite. "It's yours."

James shook his head and pushed Kendall's hands away. "No, Kendall, I can't take that. I know what that beanie means to you, I can't just take it away."

"Yes, you can. Promise me you'll wear it whenever you go outside the apartment. So people won't be staring at your lack of hair. They'll be staring at your new awesome beanie."

James took the beanie and rubbed his thumbs against, feeling the yarn. "I don't know…"

"Seriously, James, just take it. For me. You need it more than I do."

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><p><strong>Ok, how was that? I worked really hard on this chapter and I hope it shows. I've been kind of worried about the decrease in reviews, so I'm hoping this throws things back on track. <strong>

**Oh and btw, I'll be out of town from tomorrow to Friday, so expect an update either Friday or Saturday…**


	20. Spring Cleaning

**I don't know if you guys noticed or not, but we have reached _200 reviews!_ 200 reviews in less than 20 chapters! I can't believe it! I could NEVER imagine getting to 200, but you guys got me there! Just like when we got to 100, I'm going to you guys a thank you in the form of… a double update! Well, as close to double as I can get. If I don't update later today, it'll be tomorrow!**

**Disclaimer: Me no own BTR.**

James sat on his bed, in his room, alone. He was still holding the gray beanie in his hands, the one Kendall gave him a couple of hours ago. Did his best friend really give this to him? James _knew_ what this beanie meant to the blonde hair, bushy eyebrow boy. Could he really accept it? James had tried for twenty minutes to give it back, but Kendall wouldn't have it. He refused to take it back, saying James could get more use out of it or James needed it more. Finally, James sighed and took it to his room where he had been ever since.

Suddenly, James' cell phone buzzed. James put the beanie on his bed and reached over to his nightstand. He picked up the phone and looked at who the text was from.

_New Message From: Nick_

James pressed read now.

_Mom and dad found a better deal for a plane. It comes in earlier than the other one, so we'll be coming in 5 days instead of a week. Be sure to tell Mrs. Knight so someone will be there to pick us up._

James smiled at the thought of his family coming earlier and quickly pressed the reply button.

_Yeah, no problem. See you then, nick!_

James pressed send and threw the phone somewhere on his bed. James cleared his throat and pushed himself off his bed, but saw that it was harder to do than a week ago. It took James a good three minutes to get up from his bed and walk to the bedroom door. James was a little concerned about this, but just shook it off. He was sure he was just tired because… of all the stress he went through today. Yeah… that's it…

"Hey, James!" Carlos yelled when he saw James walk into the living room. "I'm bored. Do you want to play some video games with me?"

James chuckled at the childish way Carlos sounded and sat down on the couch with him. "Sure, Carlitos, that'll be fun."

"YES!" Carlos yelled. He jumped up from his spot on the couch and went to set up the X-box. While he did that, James yawned and looked around the room.

"So, where is everybody? And do you know where Mama Knight is? I have to tell her something."

Carlos looked around the room confused. "Uh, Kendall went to go meet up with Jo. And Logan's either at the library or hanging out with Camille. Katie is at the pool, maybe? And I'm pretty sure Mama Knight's in her room, reading."

James stood up off the couch. "I'll be right back. Just set the game up, and we can play when I get back."

Carlos nodded and James walked down the hallway to the bedrooms. James knocked on the door belonging to Mrs. Knight and Katie and after a moment of waiting, the door opened to reveal a smiling Mrs. Knight.

"Hi, James," Mrs. Knight said, looking confused. "Is there something wrong? Are you feeling ok, dear?"

"I'm ok, Mama Knight," James said with a light chuckle. "I was just letting you know that my family found a cheaper flight that comes into L.A. earlier. So, instead of coming in on Friday, they'll be here Wednesday. Is that ok?"

"Oh, yeah, of course. Do you know what time their flight actually comes in?"

"Not right now, but I'll ask my brother later and find out."

Mrs. Knight smiled. "Ok, dear, just be sure to let me know."

James turned to leave. "Ok, thanks, Mama K. Have fun with your... reading."

Mrs. Knight laughed. "I will, and I'll be out later to make dinner!"

Mrs. Knight closed the door and James walked back to the living room where Carlos was waiting with the X-box running.

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><p>The next few days passed painfully slow. James was feeling extremely tired, so he spent most of his time in the apartment. They went to the studio an hour a day, but even then, they had to take breaks often and they only recorded a few songs, no dancing whatsoever. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan spent their time keeping James company, despite his wishes for them to go have fun.<p>

So, two days before James' family came in, Mrs. Knight decided Kendall, Carlos, and Logan would clean the apartment since she and Katie were going to San Diego for the day and would be back late.

"Mrs. Knight, it's ok," James said, sounding slightly frustrated. "I can help clean, you know."

Mrs. Knight just stood there, not knowing what to say. She knew how James felt about being excluded from anything because of his condition, but he really should be resting. Finally, after several moments, she sighed. "Ok, James, but don't push yourself."

James started laughing. "Please, Mrs. Knight, it's just cleaning. I'm not doing brain surgery."

Mrs. Knight raised her left eyebrow. She was not convinced. "We'll be back late tonight. _Behave_. I mean it, all of you." Kendall moaned and Mrs. Knight kissed him on the forehead. Katie pushed him aside and they walked out the front door.

"Ok, you guys, we should probably just get the cleaning out the way now, so we don't have to cram it in all later…" Logan started, but was interrupted by Kendall.

"Logan, we have the WHOLE day to do that! For right now, we have the entire apartment to ourselves! Let's have some fun!" Kendall argued.

"If we do it now, we'll have the rest of the night to have fun," Logan objected. "I say do it now, and have fun later."

Kendall groaned loudly and went to the little closet in the hallway. He pulled put the dusters, vacuum, mop, and other cloths and cleaning sprays. He handed Loan the cleaning sprays and cloths, Carlos the dusters, James the vacuum, and kept the mop for himself.

Logan patted him on the shoulder and went off with his various sprays. Carlos went bouncing off to the swirly side to clean the beloved piece of plastic. Kendall went off to the bathroom and kitchen, and James went off to the bedrooms.

James went into Mrs. Knight and Katie's room first. James turned on the vacuum, and put one hand on the handle. He tried to push it, but for some reason, he couldn't. James tried again with the same results. He put two hands on and tried to push, but he could barely move it. James stepped away and looked at his hands. For the first time, he realized how bony and weak they looked.

James looked at the mirror that was hanging in the room. His face looked just like his hands, bony and weak. For the first time, he realized how utterly _tired_ he looked. James looked back at the vacuum and realized that he was not strong enough to push the machine.

What was happening to him?

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><p><strong>What <em>is<em> happening to James? Well, I know what it is, and I bet you could figure it out too. Next chapter I'll _try_ to get out today, but it might have to be tomorrow. Until then, REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!**


	21. Breakdowns

**Ok! I've been working this on and off all day, but I did it! I promised a double update and I always follow through on my promises! So here it is: your double update!**

**Disclaimer: Nope, those incredibly hot guys are not mine to push around.**

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><p>It took James fifteen minutes to vacuum the small bedroom. He had used every last ounce of energy, and by the end of it, James knew he wouldn't be able to vacuum all the bedrooms. But what was he supposed to tell his friends? James was way too prideful to admit he can't do something, so obviously, he wasn't about to admit he couldn't do something as simple as operating a vacuum.<p>

James sat down on the bed and reached over to turn the vacuum off. He sighed and laid down. His muscles ached and he felt like he hadn't slept in a week. James wasn't planning on dosing off, but before he knew it, he felt something shaking his shoulder. James opened one eye and saw Carlos over him with Kendall and Logan standing behind him, each looking concerned.

"Are you ok, man?" Carlos asked, worry unusually coating his voice.

James sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Huh? Oh, oh yeah, I'm ok. I guess I dosed off, but I'm ok now. Thanks."

The worry and concern instantly left Carlos' face, but it wasn't the same for Kendall and Logan.

Kendall walked over and sat down next to James on the bed. "Are you sure, James? You've been dosing off a lot lately. And you look really drained right now."

"I'm ok, Kendall," James said. He decided to change the subject. "Are you guys done cleaning?"

"Yeah, we're all done. Are you?" Carlos answered for Kendall.

"Uh, I, uh, only got to this room. Sorry, I'll go do the other ones right now." James got up and tried to leave, but Logan stopped him at the door.

"No, that's ok, James. We'll take care of that. Why don't you go lay down, we'll finish vacuuming, and then we can order a pizza or something. Does that sound good?" Logan suggested.

James wanted to say no, that he could do it, he really did. But James was just so, so _tired_, and he knew he couldn't do it. James sighed. "Alright, I'll go lay down."

Logan smiled. "Good. We'll wait and do your bedroom later. And we'll wake you up when the pizza gets here."

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes and just left the room without saying anything more.

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><p>"Why is James always so tired now?" Carlos asked after James had fallen asleep and the three other boys were cleaning the other rooms.<p>

"It's just another side effect of the chemo," Logan said. "It makes him super tired and weak. Soon, after a few more sessions, almost all of his strength will be gone. He's really, really weak, and tired, and just... sick. But he's ok, Carlos, you don't have to worry. It's normal."

"No, Logan, it's not _normal_. Nothing about this situation is normal!" Carlos yelled. "You keep saying that it's ok, James will get better, everything will go back to the way it was. But you don't know that!"

Kendall stopped what he was doing and put a hand on Carlos' back. "Carlos, you need to calm down, alright? I know that you're really stressed out-"

"Just shut up, Kendall!" Carlos yelled as he threw Kendall's hand off his back. "You say the same thing! Well news flash, Eyebrows: James might not get better!"

Kendall was remaining surprising calm throughout Carlos' outburst. "I know what you're going through, Carlos. We're all going through the same thing. You're scared and you're worried and all you want is for this to go away. But the reality of the situation is that none of this will be going away any time soon. And even _when_ it does, it's always going to be a part of each of our lives. I can't speak for any of you, but this has definitely been one of the hardest things I've had to face. And I don't know how to deal with it, so I'm just trying to be strong. I have to be strong. For you, Logan, Katie, my mom, James, and I have to be strong for myself."

Logan stepped in. "You don't have to be strong for our sake, Kendall. Throughout this whole thing, we have to lean on each other. It's ok to step down and let someone else be strong."

Tears were now streaming down Kendall's face. "I don't know how. My whole life, I've always had to be the strong one, the leader. I don't know how to be anything else." Kendall's voice was barely above a whisper.

Carlos tried to hide his own tears. "It's ok t-to not know w-what to do. We c-can help you, you know. We have to st-stick together."

That's when Kendall lost it. He fell down to the ground and just cried. He cried harder than he had throughout this whole process because now, he wasn't crying just for James. He was crying for himself too.

Carlos and Logan sat down on the ground with Kendall and they held him as he cried. But before they knew it, they too were sobbing. So they held and supported each other, using each other's shirts to wipe their eyes, not caring in the slightest that their shirts were now ruined. They cried for a half hour straight, none of them being the strong rock they so desperately needed.

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><p><strong>So? How was that? I didn't think it was all that bad, but what do I know? I'm just the writer… Oh, and sorry this was so short, but I'm not too sorry because I did give you two chapters in one day...<strong>

**Guess what! If you review on this chapter, I will send homemade cookies to all of you! Ok, maybe I won't, but I would still really appreciate it if you review! -heart-**


	22. James And Kendall

**Wow. I haven't updated in like… FOREVER! I am so sorry! I have been so incredibly busy, but I'll try my best and get you guys some updates!**

**Oh, and a happy birthday to Logan Henderson! He turns 22 today, which is September 14 for those of you who are too lazy to check the date.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but man, I wish I did…**

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><p>When the guys finally stopped crying, they quickly finished vacuuming the rest of the rooms and ordered a pizza and cinnamon sticks from Domino's. They sat down on the couch, agreeing to wake James once the pizza got here. None of them had said much after each of their breakdowns, but no one was about to break the silence.<p>

After twenty-six minutes exactly, the doorbell rang and all three boys jumped, startled by the sudden noise. They just sat there, staring at the door before Logan finally got up and walked to the door in his trance like state. He opened the door and saw a boy no older than seventeen with glasses and a Domino's hat and shirt. He looked at Logan then down at the receipt taped to the box.

"Uh," the boy stuttered. "$20.37."

Logan nodded slowly and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. He pulled out a twenty and a five dollar bill and handed it to the teenager. "You can keep the change."

"T-thank you," the boy said as he took the money and turned to leave. Logan closed the door behind him. He put the food on the counter and sat back down on the couch.

"James' been sleeping for a while," Logan said softly. "I bet he's hungry. Does anyone want to go wake him up?"

Kendall stood up. "I'll go. Go ahead and get the plates out and everything. We'll be down in a minute." Kendall walked out of the living room and into the hallway. He quietly opened their bedroom door and tiptoed inside. But he was surprised to see James not sleeping, but lying on his back, staring at the ceiling with a tear streaked face. Kendall sat down on James' bed and stared at the ceiling with him.

"You know," Kendall said. "You can stare at this all day, and it's not going to change."

"Very funny, Kendall," James said, his gaze never leaving the ceiling.

"Then what's wrong?"

James looked down and at Kendall. "I wasn't asleep."

Kendall's face scrunched up, a sign he always gives when he was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"After you made me go to bed, you probably thought I fell asleep. But I didn't."

Kendall felt his heart drop. He did _not_ like where this was going. "Oh?"

"I heard everything, Kendall. Every last word."

"James, we didn't know you were-"

"Kendall, it's ok. I'm not mad! But I am concerned."

"Because of what Carlos said about you not getting better?"

"No, no, I'm not concerned about me. I'm concerned about you."

"I-I, James, there's… no reason to be concerned. I'm going to be fine."

"Kendall, I heard you _sobbing._ You don't have to be strong for me. I can take of myself. But apparently, you don't know how to do that. You need to stop worrying about me and consider yourself for once!"

"I do consider myself! It's just that you are more important right now. Once everything cools down, then I'll start thinking about me."

"Kendall, what you don't understand is that all of… this might not cool down for a long time. And you can't go that long. I _know _you can't."

"You don't know what I can and cannot do. I can do anything I want to, there's nothing that I can't do. So, why don't you stay out of my life?"

James just stared at Kendall. "Kendall, before you go around telling me to get out of your life, why don't you think about where I'm coming from? Would you want me to be acting like you are if you were in my position?" Kendall said nothing. "That's right. You wouldn't. If I was doing that, you would be on my case, telling me to stop. So, when you know that you wouldn't want me doing this, why are you?"

"I-I… I don't know! I guess I'm… worried? I mean, you don't know what it's like for me to have to sit here and literally _watch_ you die and not being able to do one freaking thing about it! I have to protect you, and I can't do that right now, and it is KILLING me!"

James looked at Kendall, sympathy in his features. "I can only imagine what this is doing you. And I'm sorry for it, but you can't protect me from this. I know how protective you are of us all, and you want to fight our battles for us, but this is one battle I have to fight by myself. I love your support, I really do, but your support alone isn't going to beat this cancer. I have to face this by myself."

Kendall turned his head to hide the tears forming in his eyes. "I know. I know I have to let you do this by yourself, but it's hard. But I can do that, I know I can."

James smiled. "I know you can too. After all, you can do anything you want to."

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><p><strong>Ugh! So sorry this was so bad! It's just that I've been so incredibly busy! I'll be free this weekend though, so I'll make it up for you with a great chapter!<strong>


	23. Family Reunion

**I am so sorry for the lack of updates! I'll try to keep the updates flowing more quickly...**

**Oh my goodness gracious! Have you seen the number of reviews for this story? That's all you guys! Thanks so much! **

**Disclaimer: No, no, I don't own BTR.**

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><p>Two days later, at noon, Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, and Mrs. Knight found themselves at the L.A.X, waiting for the Diamond bunch. They plane was supposed to come in at 12:15.<p>

"How _long_ is this going to _take_?" Carlos groaned impatiently. They had been waiting for approximately five seconds.

"Just be patient, dear," Mrs. Knight said as she turned the page of her latest book. "They'll be here soon."

"But they're taking_ forever_!" Carlos yelled out, frustrated. He leaned over the back of the chair he was sitting in, only for it to tip over and have him crash to the ground. He reached over and rubbed the back of his head. "Ow."

While Kendall and James burst out laughing, Logan rushed over to him and leaned to the ground. "Carlos! Are you alright? Does anything hurt?"

While Carlos looked up and slapped the ever present helmet on his head. "Yep! It's all good here! It's the power of the helmet!"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Carlos, how many times do we have to go over this? YOUR HELMET DOES NOT HAVE POWERS!"

This time, Carlos rolled _his_ eyes. "And how many times do we have to go over _this_? MY HELMET DOES HAVE POWERS!"

"No it doesn't, Carlos!"

"Yes it does, Logan!"

"What proof do you have that it does?"

"What proof do _you_ have that it _doesn't_?" Carlos crossed his arms and grinned triumphaly, obviously proud of himself. "You know, I think you're just jealous of my helmet! That's right, I said it!"

"Why in the world would I be jealous of your helmet?"

"Because it has magical powers and you don't!"

Logan, too, crossed his arms. "I am not jealous of a piece of plastic."

Carlos looked horrified. "You know what? If you can't appreciate my helmet, then I am not talking to you." Carlos jumped up, put his chair back, and sat down. He crossed his arms and turned away from Logan. Logan threw his hands up in the air and sat back down in his own chair. It was all Kendall and James could do not to burst out laughing _again._

After about five minutes, Carlos seemed to forget he wasn't talking to Logan and turned towards him. "Logan? What time is it?"

Logan looked at the watch on his wrist then back to Carlos. "12:10."

Carlos groaned. He still had five more minutes! "That's too long!"

James chuckled. "Just calm down, Carlos. Here, we'll play a game to kill some time."

Carlos' attention was immediately focused completely on James. "Yeah! What game can we play?"

"I don't know. What do you want to play?"

"I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE!"

And that's why James and Carlos played I Spy in the Los Angeles Airport until James' family came in more than forty-five minutes late.

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><p>"James!" Mrs. Diamond yelled as soon as she saw James. She ran over to her son and wrapped her delicate arms around him. "How are you feeling, dear?"<p>

"I'm better now that you're here," James mumbled since his head was buried in his mother's shoulder. "Where are Dad and Nick?"

"They're getting our bags. Oh, honey, I've missed you! Tell me everything that's happened since we lasted talked."

James resisted the urge to laugh. There wasn't much to fill her in on. James had talked to his family every night, whether it be on the phone or by face talk. "Uh, Carlos' chair tipped over and we played I Spy for forty-five minutes straight while waiting for your plane to get in."

Mrs. Diamond laughed out loud. "Where are they?"

"Uh, I think they went to baggage claim to help with the luggage. Between them and Dad and Nick, I think they'll manage the bags."

"I wouldn't be so sure. I brought a lot of my eye applying cosmetics." James gave his mother a weird look. She smiled apologetically. "The burning means it's working," she said with a shrug.

James pulled away and looked at his mother. She was beautiful, that was a given, but something was… different about her. She looked so tired and five years older than the last time he saw her. Suddenly a wave of realization hit him followed by one of guilt. He had done this to her.

James swallowed and put on a fake smile. "Let's go find the others." Mrs. Diamond nodded, took her son's hand (despite how embarrassed this made him), and led him to the baggage claim.

"James!" Mr. Diamond yelled when he saw James and Mrs. Diamond walking towards the group. He dropped the bags he was holding and ran over to them. He wrapped James in a firm but gentle hug. "I've missed you so much, son."

James hugged back. "I've missed you too, Dad."

James looked up and saw Nick standing behind their father, looking rather uncomfortable. "Hey… Nick," James said nervously.

The recently eighteen-year-old looked hesitant, but took a step forward to his brother. "Hey… James."

James smiled and playfully punched Nick in the arm, and Nick returned it by ruffling James' hair. "Hey, hey," James said as he smoothed out his hair. "Watch the hair." _Or what's left of it_, James thought, but didn't say out loud.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Mrs. Knight walked over to the family. "Ok," Mrs. Knight said. "We got all of your bags, and we can drive you over to the rental car place."

"Thanks, Jennifer," Mrs. Diamond said, trying to hold back her tears. "For… everything."

Mrs. Knight smiled, knowing what the woman meant. "No problem, Brooke."

"Ok, everybody," Mr. Diamond said while clasping his hands together. "We better get a move on."

Everybody took a bag except James who was just too weak to carry anything. Everyone made their way over to the Knights' minivan. It was a bit of a squeeze, and no one was sure the way they were sitting was even legal, but they made it work. After a twenty minute drive filled with traffic, they made it to the rental car place.

"Ok, so we'll get our car, go to the hotel and drop off our bags, and then meet you over at the apartment," Mr. Diamond said. "Does that sound good?"

"Yeah, yeah, that'll work," Mrs. Knight responded. "I can make burgers or something for dinner."

The three Diamonds smiled and walked into the building to fill out their paperwork, and the Knights, James, Carlos, and Logan drove back to the Palm Woods. While Mrs. Knight went up to the apartment to prepare dinner, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan decided to hang around the pool. They took their normal spots around the campfire and soon kids at the pool gathered around them.

"So, how are you feeling, James?" Jo asked while she took a sip of her smoothie.

"I'm doing ok. I'm really tired, but I'll be fine," James answered. "My next chemo session isn't tomorrow, but the day after that."

"How long does a chemo session typically take?" Camille asked.

"Depends on how my body takes it. My last one lasted… three hours, was it?"

"It was three hours," Logan informed.

Everyone could tell James was getting uncomfortable with all the cancer questions, so they decided to change the subject. The four boys and their friends talked for about an hour and ended with one of their famous campfire singings.

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><p>"This is really good, Mrs. Knight," Nick said as he took a bite of his burger. The Diamonds had arrived at apartment 2J about an hour earlier, and after talking for a while, Mrs. Knight had deemed dinner ready.<p>

"Thank you, Nick," Mrs. Knight responded.

"So, James, when exactly is your next session?" Mrs. Diamond asked.

"Uh, two days," James said after he swallowed the piece of burger in his mouth.

"Would you like us to come with you, son?" Mr. Diamond asked cautiously.

"Um, you can if you… you know, want. I wouldn't mind."

"Ok, it's settled then," Mrs. Diamond said. "We're there for you, baby."

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><p>"Ugh!" James moaned the morning of his second chemo session. "I don't want to go!"<p>

Kendall groaned. This had to be the hundredth time James had said that in the past five minutes. "We know, James! You've told us already!"

"Yeah, James, just calm down," Logan said. "It won't be so bad."

"Easy for you to say," James mumbled, but no one heard him.

There was an unusually awkward silence between the four boys, something that rarely happened. Suddenly there was a shout that rang out through the apartment. "Boys! Time to go!" The voice was undeniably Mrs. Knight's. James let out one more groan and the four boys went out of Carlos and Logan's bedroom and to the front door, Kendall in front followed by Logan, Carlos, and finally James.

"Ok, boys, so James' parents and Nick are going to meet us at the Cancer Canter," Mrs. Knight said as they walked into the parking lot towards the minivan.

"Sounds like fun!" Carlos shouted out, only to be hit in the arm by Logan. Carlos rubbed his arm and stuck his tongue out at Logan, but didn't say anything. Mrs. Knight got into the driver's seat, James in the passenger, and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan got into the back seat.

After an unusually silent car ride, the gang made it to the L.A.C.C., climbed out, and walked into the waiting room. The Diamonds were already there, waiting for them.

Mrs. Diamond walked over and gave her son a quick hug. "Are you ready, sweetie? We've already talked to the lady at the front desk, and she says they're ready whenever you are."

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," James sighed. He went over to the lady and told him who he was. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan saw the woman smile and say something to James. Kendall watched them, but he wasn't truly paying attention. All he could think about was James' first chemo session two weeks ago. Was it really only two weeks ago? It seemed more like two decades. Kendall sighed, but put on a brave face when James walked back to them.

"They're going to have me in room 306 this time around," James told them. He turned towards the elevators, knowing they would follow, so he wasn't surprised when he heard many pairs of footsteps coming towards him. James was surprised at how well he knew his way around the Cancer Center. He had only been here three, maybe four times, but it almost seemed like a second home to him now.

After pressing the button for the third floor and the elevators taking the group to the desired destination, James easily navigated his way to room 306. James turned the knob slowly and walked inside. He sat down on the bed and sighed, feeling pretty sorry for himself. _It's not that bad_, James thought, _it could be a lot worse. I could have to spend the night again. Or the cancer could be a lot worse. Or I could be all alone. _While thinking of the ways his situation could be worse, James didn't even notice the knock at the door followed by a doctor and a nurse walking into the room.

"Hello…" the doctor looked at his clipboard. "…James. How are you doing today?"

James snapped out of his thoughts and looked at the man. He gave him a confused look. "I'm… ok, but, uh… I don't mean to be rude, but who are you? You're not my doctor. My doctor is Dr. Grant Anderson."

"Yes, well, Dr. Anderson is on vacation this week, so I'll be filling in for him," the man said as a look of realization dawned on his features. "Oh, excuse me, let me introduce myself. I am Doctor Robert Wilson, and this is Nurse Haley Peterson."

"Um, well, it's nice to meet you both," James said. "These are my parents, Joe and Brooke, my brother, Nick, my current guardian, Jennifer Knight, and my other brothers, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan."

Everyone stared at James when he said that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were his brothers. Everyone knew this might as well be true, but hearing James introduce them like that touched each of them. But James' attention never left Dr. Wilson.

After brief "hellos" and "nice to meet yous" between the doctor and James' family, Dr. Wilson turned back to James. "Ok, so this will be your second session, correct?" James nodded. "Ok, now be prepared that this might time around might be different from your first."

"What do you mean?" Carlos asked for James.

"Well, you have to understand that we're basically pumping poison into James, which is a reason he gets so sick. But for many people, each session has different effects on them. Some vomit more than others, or they might get more tired, for some the chemo actually makes their arm burn." Dr. Wilson rubbed the back of his neck for a moment.

"Make my… my arm… burn?" James stuttered out.

"Yes, it could happen. But it might only last for a minute or two."

"Might?" Kendall questioned.

"Or longer. It just depends on how James takes it," Dr. Wilson said as he took another look at his clipboard. "Now, if you're ready, James, I'd like to hook you up now."

James nodded his head quickly and nodded. He closed his eyes and held out his arm. Hayley walked over and disinfected James' arm. Then, as quickly as possible, she hooked James up to the IV. James let out a breath and gave his parents a reassuring smile.

For a few minutes, James felt nothing. He sighed and gave Kendall, Carlos, and Logan a look, telling him he was ok, but after a few more minutes, it changed into something completely different. James' arm felt like it was on fire. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan quickly ran over to him, but it didn't make it any better. James knew this was going to be a hard one.

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><p><strong>Ok, so the first half of this was kind of like a filler, but the second half sort of isn't. I don't know how to explain it! Anyways, PLEASE, oh, PLEASE review and I'll see you the next time I update (which shouldn't be TOO long a wait).<strong>


	24. Who You Are

**Ok, I am SO SORRY it took so long to update! Basketball is in full swing, and I have almost no free time! But, I promise, whenever I had the chance, I was thinking of ideas! So as you can tell, the only time I can really work on this is the weekend, but I PROMISE there will be an update AT LEAST once a week! **

**Disclaimer: Well, I'm sure the very first thing that popped into your head as you brought this story up was "Hey, I bet this chick owns Big Time Rush!" Well, I am so sorry to break this to you, but I don't…**

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><p>An hour later, James was fast asleep in the hospital bed, the chemo still coursing through his veins. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sat around the bed, rubbing his back or shoulders even though he wasn't conscious. Mrs. Knight, and Mr. and Mrs. Diamond had just stepped out to talk with James' doctor, and Nick was sitting off to the side, staring at his brother in wide amazement.<p>

This couldn't be happening. This couldn't _actually _be happening. _But it was_, Nick thought. _This really is happening._ Nick sighed a deep, frustrated sigh. This was James, _his baby brother_, in a hospital bed, dying, and there was nothing Nick could do.

Nick had always been very protective of James. Sure, they had their fair share of fights, but what siblings hadn't? Sure, they might have drifted apart a little as Nick entered his teen years, but they never let it get too far out of hand, right? Right. Nick knew he was not the perfect brother, but he loved James. What did his little brother do to deserve this? Nick didn't even notice he was crying until Carlos asked if he was alright.

Nick shook himself out of his thoughts and looked up. "What?"

"I asked if you were alright," Carlos said. By now, Kendall and Logan were looking at Nick too. "You're crying."

Nick reached up and felt his face. Carlos was right, he _was_ crying. He quickly wiped away any tears that were left and put on a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm good."

Kendall scoffed. "Nick, we've known you since you were six. We know you. And you are not ok."

Nick sighed. "You're right. I am not ok. Nothing about any of this is ok."

Logan sighed next. "I know. I keep thinking this whole… thing is just a bad dream, and that I'm going to wake up and James will be healthy and I can just forget about it. But then I go to bed at night, wake up, and watch James start another battle, and I realize that it's not. This is real. And it is happening to us, to James."

"James is my little brother. I've known him all his life," Nick said, tears welling up in his eyes. "Even though I was so young, I still remember the day he was born. I remember asking my mom if I could hold him. I remember my dad telling me that his name was James." Nick paused for a moment to wipe his eyes. "As we got older, we were so close. We played with each other all the time. When I turned either thirteen or fourteen, we weren't as close, but we still were close.

"You guys know how James would never get sick easily, so whenever he did, I would always worry that it would be something bad. But never once did I ever think it would be cancer." Nick wiped his eyes yet again.

"I know what you mean," Kendall said. "When he first staring feeling sick, it never even crossed my mind that there was a possibility it could be ALL. Even when we had to take him to the hospital, I never thought it would be cancer. And then the doctor told us what it was, and I just felt the wind leave me. I seriously thought he would die."

"I never did," Carlos objected. "James is strong. We all know that. I don't care what any doctor says. James will make it out of this. No matter how bad it gets, I know James will survive. He might not be the same care free guy he was before, but it will get better. I can feel it."

"I don't know what he would do without you guys," Nick said. "Did you know that every night when he calls us, all he talks about is you? How happy you guys make him, how supportive you are, the way that he laughed till he cried that day…" Nick looked at the three other boys, then to James. Memories came at him at a million miles a minute. That's when he finally lost it. After two months of holding it together, Nick let it go. He cried and sobbed and wept. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan wrapped him in a bone crushing hug. He could only think of one thing to say to them.

"Thank you."

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><p>An hour later, Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Nick had recovered from their talk. Mrs. Knight and James' parents had come back into the room, and they had decided to turn on a basketball game to get their minds off of everything that was happening, and that's when James started to stir in his sleep. Ten minutes later, he awoke with a start.<p>

James looked anxiously around the room and when he noticed all the looks he was receiving, he looked a little uncomfortable. "Uh, hey everybody. What's going on?"

Mrs. Diamond moved from her spot in a hard, plastic chair to her son's bedside. "Nothing, dear, everything's fine. How are you feeling?"

James cleared his throat. "I'm ok. My stomach's off though."

"That's understandable. Do you feel like you're going to get sick?"

"No, Mom," James said in a frustrated tone.

Mrs. Diamond patted his knee and went back to her chair. It hurt her to see James like this. He was pale, and weak, and even shaking slightly. She knew that when James said his stomach was off, he really meant it. James was never one to admit when he wasn't feeling good, so whenever he did, Brooke knew he REALLY meant it. The shock of her life came when Dr. Garrison gave them the test results two months ago. She never even considered cancer, and so when he said those words, she burst out crying. She didn't want Nick to live without a brother, Joe without a son. Their family would never truly move on if anything happened to James, and every day that was the only thing that coursed through her mind. How was he doing? Was he feeling sick? Was it a bad day? These thoughts plagued her, and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

Mr. Diamond was feeling the same way. He loved his son, more than anything else in the world. Seeing his poor boy in a hospital bed, struggling to keep his lunch, Joe could _feel _his heart breaking. Watching James with a needle in his arm left a dull ach in his chest, but that's not what hurt the most. No, what hurt Joe Diamond the most was knowing there was nothing he could do to help his youngest son. Sure, he could support him, he could help through it, but he couldn't stop it. There was nothing he could do.

Suddenly, everyone was snapped out of their thoughts when James quickly grabbed the small container and retched violently into it. Everyone jumped from their spots and surrounded him. They rubbed his back, squeezed his shoulder, pushed his bangs out of his way, held his hand, and whispered encouraging things to him. For fifteen agonizing minutes, James emptied the contents of his stomach until he finally looked up and wiped his mouth.

"S-sorry," James muttered.

"Don't you dare apologize, James!" Carlos said sternly. "We've already talked about this."

"R-right," James said, shaking slightly. He had just woken up, but already, he was exhausted again. Even though he had just emptied his stomach, James still felt nauseous and there was a dull ache in his throat from the bile. Overall, James felt awful. He wondered if it would be like this every time he had to do a chemo session. Based on what he had experienced, James was guessing yes.

"Just… just go back to sleep, James," Logan said. "You look exhausted."

James slowly shook his head. There was no way he could fall back asleep now, he felt too sick. "I… I can't. It hu-hurts too b-bad."

At that moment, everybody's already breaking heart completely snapped in two.

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><p>About forty-five minutes later, there was a quiet knock at the door. "Come in," Mrs. Knight called out, trying to keep her own tears at bay.<p>

"Hi, James," Dr. Wilson said as he walked inside and closed the door behind him. "How are you feeling?"

James only groaned in response.

"I take it not good," Dr. Wilson said, smiling sadly. "Well, I have some good news for you. You're done! As soon as we get this thing out of you, you're good to go home."

James sighed in relief and held out his arm for Dr. Wilson. The doctor set to work on taking the IV out of his arm while starting to lecture James and what he could and could not do for the next couple of days. "Just rest, no guests, no contact with anyone outside of your apartment…" On and on it went, everything that James already knew, until finally the IV was out and Dr. Wilson stopped talking.

"There we go," Dr. Wilson said with a smile. "You're good to go. Now, your next session is two weeks from today, and by then, Dr. Anderson will be back here. So, this is goodbye for us."

James ever so slowly stood up and shook Dr. Wilson's hand. "Thanks so much, Dr. Wilson. Maybe I'll see you around…"

Dr. Wilson gave James and his family and friends another warm smile. "Perhaps. But until then, good luck, James."

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><p>After a <em>very<em> long car ride, Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Mrs. Knight, and the Diamonds were back at the Palm Woods. They all piled into the small elevator and Carlos pressed the button for the second floor. While waiting, everybody remained silent. The only sound was breathing and the occasional clearing of someone's throat. When the elevator dinged, everyone piled out and walked down the hallway to 2J.

Mrs. Knight took out her key and opened the door. She held it open while everyone walked in. Katie was in the kitchen, getting a glass of water. She took a sip and looked up at everyone.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"Fine," James mumbled even though that was the opposite of what he was thinking. "You know, I'm pretty tired, so I think I'll just go take a nap or something."

Everybody nodded and James turned to leave. All their eyes were fixated on the cancer-stricken boy until they heard the door opening and softly close.

"That bad, huh?" Katie asked once everyone turned away from the bedroom door.

"You can say that," Kendall said as he pushed passed everyone and got a soda from the fridge. After opening it and taking a slurp, he wiped his mouth and turned back to everyone. "He's pretty upset."

"Maybe we should talk to him?" Carlos suggested.

"Yeah, we probably should," Logan said. So he, Kendall, and Carlos walked over to the closed door and tried to open it. Naturally, it was locked.

"James, let us in," Kendall said firmly. "We need to talk."

"Not right now," came the muffled response. "M'tired. Maybe later."

"James, this will just take a couple minutes," Logan said, a little more gently than Kendall. "Please?"

"No."

Carlos sighed. It looked like it was up to him. "C'mon, James. buddy. Just open the door! Just enough to let us in!"

"Later."

The three boys moaned in frustration and went back to the living room where everyone was sitting. "He doesn't want to talk to us," Kendall said, sounding a little bitter.

"I'll talk to him," Katie said which caused everyone to stare at her in confusion. She turned bright red, tucked her head down, and walked past everybody to her brothers' room. She knocked softly at the door. "James? Can I come in?"

For a moment, there was silence. Then Katie heard a defeated sigh and the door unlocking. James opened it, Katie walked in, and James closed it behind her.

"What?" James asked as he sat down on his bed.

"Are you ok?" Katie asked, concern evident in her voice. She sat down on Kendall's bed and stared intently at James.

James looked away, feeling tears form in his eyes. _No, James_, he thought to himself. _You are most definitely not ok! You are a mess! Look at yourself! You are the farthest thing from fine! YOU ARE NOT FINE! _But that's not what he said to the young girl. "Yes, Katie, everything's ok."

"It's not, is it?"

James sighed. There was no point in pretending if Katie wasn't going to buy it. "No, everything is so far from ok, there's no pulling it back. Nothing is going the right way, and that includes me."

"Yeah, I figured. It's ok to admit when you're not ok, James."

"Katie, you just don't get it. And I hope that you never will."

"You're right, James. I don't get it. But that doesn't mean I can't help."

"Maybe… maybe you should just leave," James said as he laid down and rested his head on his pillow.

Katie shook her head. "Not until you talk to me."

James sat up quickly. "Fine! You want me to talk? I'll talk! I feel worse than I ever had in my entire life! I'm weak all the time, I'm sick, my hair is falling out, and I can't even leave this room for another two days! I am watching my best friends, _my brothers_, become weaker and weaker by the day and I have to live with knowing it is because of me! I can't even cough without everybody swarming me, asking if I'm ok, asking if I need anything, and I am sick of it!" James didn't know where this anger was coming from, but now that it had come out, he couldn't stop it.

Katie moved from Kendall's bed to James' and put her hand on his shoulder. "James, I can only imagine what this is doing to you. I don't know what it feels like, what it looks like, but I do know that it's it will not last forever. Whatever happens, we will be here for you till the very end, and that will never change. We will help you get better, stronger. We will help you get to where you were before."

James felt the tears welled up in his eyes overflow and fall down his cheeks. He felt ashamed for crying in front of Katie, but he didn't bother to wipe them away. There was no point, more tears would just take their place. "I… I just want it to be like it was before any of this happened."

"I know. I know you do. And we'll get there. We will get back to where we were before. You're going to get better. You're going to be famous along with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. You're going to go on tour, and perform lots of concerts, and have millions of girls chasing after you. And then when you're accepting some music award, you're going to think back to this period of time and you're going to remember it. You'll remember how hard it was, but how strong it made you, physically, emotionally, and how it made your bond our brothers that much stronger. This right here is going to shape you and it is going to make you who you are. Not what Kendall, Carlos, or Logan want you to be, not what Hollywood or Gustavo wants you to be, not even who you think you should be. This will make you who you're _supposed_ to be."

James took a shaky breathe. "Thank you, Katie."

Katie hastily wiped the tears in her eyes away. "For what?"

"Just for being you."

* * *

><p><strong>Wow. I have just gone into an angst overdose. I think I need to go lay down… Anyways, I have tomorrow off (whoo hoo!), so I'll be working on the next chapter. I promised myself I would get this chapter out today, and I did it! I'm so proud! Be expecting an update Friday at the VERY latest! But I'll TRY to make it before then! <strong>


	25. Encounters

**Hey, hey, hey! How's everybody doing? Big internet hugs to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and who waited oh so very patiently for the next one. You guys rock my socks off! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR.**

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><p>A week passed and James' family reluctantly returned to Minnesota, promising to come visit again soon. The guys went to the studio once or twice a week since James just couldn't handle anything more than that. His hair was being found all over the apartment. In the drain, on pillows he had been resting on, the floors, basically anything that pulled even a little on his hair would pull it right out. The paparazzi were always hanging around the Palm Woods, trying to get pictures of James and his friends, so they spent most of their time in the apartment.<p>

Another week passed and another chemo session came and went. Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight all started to settle into a routine. After the initial shock of James' cancer finally set in, everyone at the Palm Woods started to accept what was happening to James and he didn't get weird looks every time he went down to the pool or the lobby. That didn't mean that whenever James got passed the paparazzi and actually went outside the Palm Woods other people didn't stare at him.

There were typically two types of looks James would get whenever he ventured out into public. There were the looks he got when people didn't understand what was wrong with him, some would take on look at his rapidly thinning hair and might even laugh. Other looks were those filled with pity, people who saw how hard it was for James to lift anything heavier than ten pounds or how tired he was.

James couldn't decide which look he hated more.

The one where people gave him looks like he was a freak or even laughed hurt. It hurt him to listen to the comments someone would make to their friend and listen to them giggle. It hurt to see the looks that made him feel like he didn't belong, like he was a freak of nature. They had no right to judge James, they didn't even understand how sick he truly was.

Then there were the people who _did_ get it, the people who realized he had cancer. The looks those people gave him were filled with pity and concern, and those looks made James feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Sometimes their kids would pull on their mother's blouse and ask them what was wrong with that boy. James, of course, would hear them and, of course, their mothers would quickly apologize and try to drag their children away. James appreciated their sympathy, but he wished he didn't need it.

After his third chemo session, James' hair was falling at rate he didn't know possible and a week before his fourth session, James woke up and found the last of it lying innocently on his pillow.

* * *

><p>"How you holding up?" Kendall asked James after the last of his hair had finally fallen out.<p>

"I'll be ok," James responded as he got out a bowl and a box of cereal. "I just… wish that… you know."

"Yeah," Carlos responded. "It'll get easier."

"I hope."

* * *

><p>Another week passed and so did yet another chemo session. After his fourth chemo session, the doctors decided to change his schedule from a session every two weeks to once a month. James never ventured outside the apartment without Kendall's beanie, always fearing of how people would view him. He always told his friends he wore it because it kept his head warm, but they all knew it wasn't the truth.<p>

It was no secret that James' appearance was extremely important to him. His appearance made him who he was, at least according to James. When the last of his hair fell out, it was like a part of him fell out too. Every time James looked in the mirror, James felt a twinge of hurt flash across his chest. He didn't even carry his lucky comb around in his back pocket, something that greatly concerned the other residents of 2J. They were afraid of James becoming depressed over his condition, and they were willing to do anything to stop that.

"So…" Carlos said one particularly boring day. "What do you guys want to do?"

"We could play a video game," Kendall said while absent mindlessly playing with the fabric of his shirt.

"We could go to the pool," Logan suggested.

"Why don't we go see a movie?" asked James.

"Are you sure, James?" Logan said. "Are you tired? 'Cause if you're not feeling strong enough, we should just stay here."

"I'm fine, Logan!" James moaned. "Face it, there's nothing else here that we haven't done in the past two days. I'm starting to go stir crazy!"

Kendall completely agreed with James. Since they all refused to leave James for more than an hour, they had done practically everything there was to do in the apartment. If James said he was strong enough, Kendall wasn't about to argue with him. "Ok, I'll just go let my mom know and we can go. And don't worry about bringing any money, it's on me." Kendall quickly got up in search for his mother while James went to their room to get his beanie.

After Mrs. Knight was informed of where the four boys would be, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan found themselves pushing passed photographers to get the Big Time Rush Mobile. Logan got into the driver's seat, Kendall had shotgun, and James and Carlos climbed into the back. They decided to go to the dollar movie located about ten minutes away and decided what to go see when they got there. Ten minutes later, Logan pulled into the parking lot of Cinema 8 Movie Theater and parked into the closest spot he could find.

Everybody unbuckled their seat belts, opened their car doors, and climbed out. Kendall got into the line and pulled out his wallet. Once he got to the front, he handed the man working there his money and he handed Kendall four tickets for _The Smurfs_. Kendall handed each boy their ticket and they all walked into the movie theater. They bought one, large popcorn to share between them and settled down to watch the movie.

After it finished, the four boys stumbled out, laughing about something Carlos had said. They didn't even notice the two boys about their age, maybe a little older, standing off to the side, staring at James and stifling a laugh. After a couple of minutes, one of them said something to the other, who in turn, started walking towards Big Time Rush.

"Nice beanie," he told James, his little friend standing behind him. "Mind if I take a closer look?"

"Yeah, I actually do," James said. He did not like where this was going.

"Well, I don't," the boy said. Then, suddenly, he quickly reached up and snatched the gray beanie off of James' head. As soon as James' bald head was revealed, the two boys burst out in laughter. Immediately, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan tensed behind James.

"Nice haircut," the other boy said between his laughs. "Oh, wait, in order to have a haircut you would actually need, uh, hair!"

James didn't know what to do. While the two boys kept laughing, James just stood there, with his head hanging in shame. He didn't try to defend himself, he just took it. And seeing James standing there with his head hanging, listening as the two boys laughed at him, that was all Kendall could take. He stepped in front of James and towards the two boys, despite Logan's efforts to hold him back.

"What is your _problem_?" Kendall asked, anger dripping from his voice. This only caused the two boys to laugh even harder. Tears flooded into James' eyes, threatening to spill over, but James wouldn't let them. _They_ did not deserve the satisfaction of seeing James cry like a little baby.

Kendall looked at James, saw the tears in his eyes, and he felt an anger that was so strong, it was foreign to even him. Before James, Carlos, or Logan could react to what was happening, Kendall pounced. He jumped onto the closer boy and punched him square in the nose. Hot blood poured from his nostrils, but Kendall didn't stop. He kept hitting him, ignoring the boy's pleas for him to stop.

After a few moments, the boy's friend snapped out of his shock and tried to pry Kendall off his friend. However, this only earned him a hard elbow delivered to his eye by Kendall. He clutched his eye and staggered backwards, but Kendall _still_ didn't stop. James, Carlos, and Logan just stood off to the side, mouths hanging open, not exactly sure what to do. Then, as suddenly as the fight started, it was over, Kendall being pulled off the boy by two employees of the movie theater. While two other employees held Kendall back, two other employees help the two boys up and held the back too.

"_What _is going on here?" one of the employees asked.

"Ask _them_," Kendall responded, hatred in his voice.

"We didn't do anything at all!" said the boy with blood still flowing from his nose. "He just attacked us out of nowhere!"

"That's not true!" Carlos called out from behind. "They were making fun of James! Kendall was just standing up for him!"

The four employees looked at James and when they saw James' bald head and sickly appearance, they expressions softened. "Is that true?" one asked.

One boy sighed. "It's not our fault he's too much of a baby to take a joke! We didn't even do anything that bad! He's just a baby!"

"Freak…" the other muttered under his breath. James was the only one who heard him.

All four employees sighed. "All of you, just… get out! And don't come back!" They all pushed the three boys out the door, James, Carlos, and Logan following behind. Kendall gave the two other boys one last glare before turning and leading his friends back to the car.

* * *

><p>"Do you realize what you could have <em>done<em>?" Logan lectured Kendall once they got back to the apartment. Kendall was currently sitting on the couch in 2J, holding an ice pack to his cheek where one of the boys had managed to punch him while Logan lectured his usual lecture he had whenever Kendall's anger got out of hand. "You could have gone to _jail_! You're lucky all the theater did was kick us out! Do you really think you pounding the snot out of those guys were what James needed? No! We could have just walked away, we could have even told them off, but what did you do? You went Godzilla on them! Do you understand what would have happened if they pressed charges or something? The media would have had a feeding frenzy!"

"I thought it was funny," Carlos commented as he took a bite out of his sandwich. "Besides they deserved it. I think Kendall was right for beating them up."

"Violence never solves anything, Carlos," Logan breathed out.

"It made them stop making fun of James, didn't it?" Kendall said as he stood up and put the ice pack down. "They were asking for it anyways! It's not my fault!"

And so it began between Kendall and Logan. They were both talking at the same time, each one raising their voice so they could be heard. Once they were about one notch under screaming at each other, James decided to step in.

"Stop it, you guys!" James yelled. "Just stop it! You're both idiots!"

"Excuse me?" Logan asked, turning to James and crossing his arms.

Kendall did the same. "Yeah, James, what was that?"

"You heard me! You're both idiots! Logan, stop being such a pansy, and Kendall, I don't need you to fight my battles for me! I could have handled those guys! But you didn't give me the chance to do that! I swear, I getting pretty sick of all of you treating me like I'm a baby!" James yelled.

Carlos put his sandwich down. "We're just trying to help-"

"I know, Carlos! That's all you ever tell me! 'I'm just trying to help, I'm just trying to make you feel better', blah, blah, blah! I don't care about your reasons! Don't you get it? I don't _want _your help!" James looked like he was getting pretty tired from all this yelling.

"You may not _want _it, but you _need _our help, James!" Kendall yelled. "Stop being such a priss and let us help you! Let us fight your battles for once! Just let us in!"

Kendall's voice sounded almost pleading, something James was not used to. Immediately, he felt guilty for yelling at his three best friends. "I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry I don't let you in and I'm sorry I don't let you help! I really do appreciate all you do for me. Kendall, seeing you beat up those guys for me made me feel so great, as horrible as that sounds. Carlos, you've been so patient and supportive, never getting mad when I get mad or frustrated at you. Logan, you've always been there to get me whatever I need, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You guys have been so great, and I've been such a brat… I don't see why you guys don't hate me by now. I know I do."

Carlos was the first to respond. "James, we could never hate you. You have been so strong and selfless throughout this whole thing, and I admire you so much for that. It's alright to get mad, to get frustrated, we don't think any less of you."

"Yeah, James," Logan agreed. "We'll always be here for you. No matter how mad that makes you." Logan smiled and James smiled back.

Kendall sat back down. "James, you need to stop thinking about us, ok? You have to learn how to think about yourself with something like this! And I don't care what you say, if _anyone _messes with _any _of my friends, I will not hesitate to beat the life out of them. You should all know that by now."

James smiled, even if he still felt insecure about what those boys said. "You guys are the best."

* * *

><p><strong>That's right! I did it! I made James bald AND I made these punk kids make fun of him! But I think I make up for it by Kendall beating the snot out of them PLUS they got to see <em>The Smurfs<em>! Lol, I got this chapter out earlier than I expected, and be expecting another one either Friday or Saturday. Until then, please review and have a great week!**


	26. Lucky Comb

**Wow, guys, just wow. I cannot believe all the response I've gotten for this story. Seriously, if it wasn't for you guys, I have no idea where I would be. Thank you. You guys are the absolute beeeeeeeesssssssssst!**

**Disclaimer: Me don't own dem boys or dat show…**

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><p>Three days passed and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan forgot all about the incident at the movies.<p>

But James didn't.

Every time James looked in the mirror and he wasn't wearing his beanie, James saw his shiny bald head and the words that the two boys spoke to him came flooding back.

_"Nice haircut! Oh, wait, in order to have a haircut you would need hair!"_

_ "Freak!"_

_ "He's just a baby!"_

These comments plagued James, every day they were what coursed through his mind. As the days passed, James became more and more depressed over what had happened. Of course, James would never let his friends know that.

James felt like he had already caused enough problems and already caused his friends to think so little of him, he really didn't need his friends knowing he was really affected by what those boys said. James loved attention, that was a given, but he loved attention when he was singing or dancing or doing anything on stage. He hated bad attention. He hated causing problems or looking weak. Lately, that's all he's been doing. He's seen people with cancer on TV and they all seemed so strong and no one treated them any differently. Why couldn't he be like that? Why did he have to make everything about him? Why did he have to be like this?

James didn't know the answers and that worried him.

* * *

><p>A week passed and James refused to take his beanie off even around the apartment. It became a very rare thing to see James without a beanie. He only took the beanie off to take a shower, and he wouldn't even take it off to sleep! James didn't want anyone to see his hairless head, not even himself.<p>

Two weeks before James' next chemo session, the boys were beginning to get worried about James. He just seemed so down and sad all the time, and it scared them to death. It was raining that day, so they were all stuck in the apartment together, bored out of their minds.

"Ugh!" Carlos moaned as he leaned over the couch so his legs were hanging over the top and his head was touching the floor. "There is absolutely nothing to do!"

"I know!" James agreed, sounding equally bored. "We can't go to the pool, Bitters won't let anyone hang out in the lobby, and Gustavo's out of town, so we can't even go to the studio!"

"We could just watch movies," Kendall suggested. "We haven't watched a Will Ferrell movie in a while…"

"Cool!" Carlos said, jumping up from his position and running over to the DVD rack. "Logan! Go make popcorn!"

Logan chuckled and pushed himself up. "Wanna help me, James?"

Sure," James said as he stood up too. "Just let me go to the bathroom first."

Logan nodded and James walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Afterwards, he flushed the toilet and turned on the sink to wash his hands. While he rubbed his hands together, James took in his surroundings. The toilet, the sink, the towels, everything seemed so organized, thanks to Logan. But when James' eyes traveled to the back corner, he felt tears welling up in his eyes.

In a neat little pile were all of James' hair care products. Cuda, hairspray, moose, everything was there. James didn't need it though. Slowly, James looked in the mirror and pulled off his beanie, revealing his scalp. James dried his hands and reached a shaky hand up to touch it. After he did that, he rubbed it. James held back the tears that begged to leak over as he opened the drawer under the sink and pulled out his lucky comb. He wouldn't need that either.

Suddenly, James was pulled out if his trance by a loud pounding on the door.

"James!" Carlos yelled. "Are you ok in there? You've been there for a while."

"Yeah," James said back, cursing himself for how upset he sounded. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Well, hurry up! Logan already finished making the popcorn and I got the movie started up!"

"Yeah," James said as a tear escaped passed his wall and fell down his cheek.

"You don't sound ok, James," Logan's came through the door. "Open the door, James!"

James shook his head in defeat. There was no fighting this one. He gripped the comb tighter and opened the bathroom door. Immediately, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan ran in.

Logan was the first to notice James' appearance. "James, you look a little pale. Are you feeling alright? You're not getting sick, are you?"

"I'm feeling fine, Logan," said James' hoarse voice.

Kendall's eyes traveled to James hand and he saw the edges of the comb peeking out. "James? Are you ok?"

James reached up his hand, opened it, and felt the comb's teeth. Without a second thought, he brought it up and snapped it in two. He put the two pieces of the comb into Carlos' hand and pushed past his friends. James walked out of the kitchen and out the front door, not bothering with a jacket or even his beanie.

Carlos looked at the broken pieces of plastic in his hand and back to the door. Kendall and Logan ran out the front door, but James was nowhere to found.

* * *

><p>"Maybe we should go look for him," Logan said for the tenth time. "He's been gone for half an hour."<p>

"Yeah," Carlos agreed. "I'm worried."

"You guys go," Kendall said, head down.

Logan and Carlos' head snapped to Kendall. "What are you talking about?" Logan said. "You don't want to find him?"

"No, I do, but I shouldn't," Kendall said, tears welling up in his eyes. He hastily wiped them away before they could fall.

Carlos moved over to him. "What's wrong, buddy?"

Kendall laughed a humorless laugh and shook his head. "What's wrong? What's wrong? Carlos, what _isn't _wrong? James is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it is my fault! I could have stopped this, but I didn't! Therefore, this is my fault!"

"Kendall, we all feel like this is our fault, but you got to understand that it isn't!" Logan said. "It isn't any of our faults."

"We won't be any help to James if we can't just get over our silly guilty feelings. And I don't know about you, but I want to help James," Carlos said as he rubbed Kendall's back.

Kendall grabbed the pillow resting on the couch and buried his head into it. He sobbed and wept and cried, not wanting to look weak, but caring in the slightest. He felt too pair of arms wrap around him the owners of those arms bury their heads into his shoulders. He felt their tears soak through his shirt, but he didn't care. Kendall lifted his head from the pillow and buried his own head into his best friends' shoulders.

* * *

><p>"We really should go look for James," Logan said after the three boys had stopped crying. "Carlos and I would really like you to come with us, Kendall."<p>

Kendall really didn't think he should, but he couldn't just ignore the desperation in Logan's voice. "Alright, let's go."

All three boys stood up, wiped away any remaining tears, and walked out the front door. But before he left, Kendall checked the clock on the oven. _6:38_. Kendall sighed. James had left at about 5:45. Mrs. Knight and Katie had gone on a shopping trip that day, so they wouldn't be back till later. And looking at the window, Kendall could see that it was still raining hard.

"Ok, we should split up," Kendall said. "Carlos, check the roof and the other floors, Logan check the basement and stairway, and I'll go check the lobby and pool. If you don't find him, meet me back in the lobby."

Carlos and Logan nodded and all three boys took off in separate directions. After fifteen minutes of searching turned up nothing, they all met back up in the lobby, just like Kendall said.

"I couldn't find him," Carlos told his two friends.

"Same here," Kendall and Logan said at the same time.

Kendall started pacing the lobby. "Ok, you guys, now I'm starting to get worried. Where could he have gone? It's not like he could have just driven away or something."

"Just calm down," Logan said. "Let's think this through. Where else have we not checked? We checked the floors, roof, basement, stairway, lobby, pool… Where else could he be?"

"The park?" Carlos suggested. As soon as he said those words, Kendall and Logan took off, Carlos struggling to keep up. They ran out the front doors and to the park as fast as they could.

"Ok," Kendall said, still breathing heavily. "Split up. And if you find him, just yell."

Again, Carlos and Logan nodded and they took off. Carlos ran over by the big oak tree, cupped his hands around his mouth and called out for James. After he got no response, he ran closer to the oak tree and when he saw a large figure sitting up against it, soaking wet, he broke out into a huge grin.

"KENDALL! LOGAN! I FOUND HIM! HE'S BY THE OAK TREE!" Carlos yelled into the air and walked over to James. He leaned down and put his hand on James' shoulder. "James? You ok, bud?"

Before James could answer, Kendall and Logan were surrounding him, pulling him up, and scolding him for sitting in the rain for so long.

"What were you thinking?"

"You had us worried sick!"

On and on it went, Kendall and Logan never letting James get a word in. They practically dragged him back to the lobby and into the elevators. Once they got to 2J, Kendall pushed James into their room, instructing him to take a warm shower and change into some dry clothes. James noticed he was shivering slightly and nodded his head in response, not feeling strong enough to put up a fight.

Half an hour later, James was in his bed asleep, after taking a shower and changing into dry clothes. Even under the blankets, James was still shivering. Logan sat there, watching him with worried eyes when Kendall and Carlos walked in.

"How's he doing?" Kendall whispered.

"I'm not sure," Logan admitted. "He's shivering."

Kendall sat down beside Logan as Logan got up and put a gentle hand on James' forehead. After a moment, he turned back to Kendall and Carlos, looking even paler than normal.

"What is it?" Carlos asked anxiously.

Logan sighed. "He has a fever."

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><p><strong>Ok, so I am SO SORRY for not being able to get this updated yesterday! I was just so busy and then I got home really late and I was exhausted and I'm just really, really sorry. Maybe I'll be able to make it up to you and update tomorrow?<strong>


	27. Sicker

**Man, this chapter took a lot out of me, so I hope you all appreciate it! Lol, I'm just kidding, but this chapter really was hard to write. Don't know why though… I'm weird like that… Sorry I couldn't get it up yesterday, but at least it's here now, right? Oh, and thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter! I got 12, which I'm pretty sure is the most I've gotten on a chapter yet! Thanks so much, you guys rock! **

**Disclaimer: Too bad… I don't own Kendall, James, Carlos, OR Logan…**

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><p>The first thing James noticed when he woke up was that he felt like he <em>shouldn't<em> be up. His body felt so tired that he was positive it was the middle of the night. But looking over to his digital clock, James saw that it was actually almost 10:30 in the morning. _Strange_, James thought, _it feels like it should be two in the morning…_

James sat up, stretched, but immediately was sent into a coughing fit and he fell back down into his pillows. After groaning for a moment, James saw Kendall stirring in his sleep at the other end of the room. James tried to quiet his coughing to avoid waking up the blonde, but this just made his coughing worse. After a few minutes, Kendall sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

"Oh," Kendall said when looked over at James. "You're awake. How you feeling, man?"

James just coughed in response.

Kendall looked around the room nervously. "Just… stay put. I'll go find Logan."

As James buried himself under his comforter, Kendall walked out of the room in search of Logan. He first checked the boy's room, but only found an empty bed and a snoring Carlos. He then went into the kitchen and found Logan sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Logan!" Kendall yelled out. Logan's head turned to him and gave him a quizzical look. Kendall hurried towards him and grabbed his arm to pull him up. "C'mon, Logan, James is awake and he won't stop coughing! Where's my mom? She can help!"

Logan stood up and put his bowl in the sink. "Your mom left a note on the counter. Now, what's going on?"

Instead of answering, Kendall grabbed for the piece of paper. He skimmed through it and mentally groaned. It said something about Kendall's aunt needing help with something in Sacramento, how Mrs. Knight and Katie would be there for a couple of days, and to call if there are any problems or if they need something. This time, Kendall groaned out loud. His mom would know what to do, why did she have to choose this weekend to go out of town?

"Kendall, what going on?" Logan repeated. "What's wrong with James?" Kendall put his head in his hands and pointed his finger to his and James' room. Logan rolled his eyes and walked into Kendall and James' room.

"James?" Logan asked quietly. "Everything ok?"

"I'm fine," James replied hoarsely, only to be sent into another coughing fit.

Logan sighed. "You're not fine. I'll be right back with the thermometer."

"No, Logan-"

"James, you're sick. But Kendall, Carlos, and I are going to take care of you."

James moaned and buried his head back into the pillows. Logan patted James on the head and left the room.

"Is he ok?" Kendall asked, still sitting at the kitchen table.

"Is who ok?" Carlos asked as he sleepily stumbled into the room.

"James is sick," Logan replied. "Is the thermometer still in the medicine cabinet, Kendall?"

"Yeah, I think so," Kendall said. "Let me go check." Kendall got up from his spot at the table and went into the bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and after looking for a moment, he pulled out the old thermometer and brought it back to Logan. Logan took it and headed to the bedroom, Kendall and Carlos closely behind.

"James?" Logan said as he sat down beside the ill boy. "Open your mouth so we can check your temperature."

James shook his head stubbornly, eyes closed. "M'fine. Just wanna sleep."

"Just let Logan check it," Kendall ordered. "We're not leaving till he does."

James sighed and opened his mouth in defeat. Logan smiled slightly and stuck the thermometer in. "Move it so it's under your tongue," Logan ordered.

James obeyed and after waiting for a moment, Logan took it back out and read it. "101. That's not too bad, but it's not too good either. What hurts?"

"My throat and my head," James said, opening his eyes for the first time since his friends had come in. "This is my fault, isn't it?"

Carlos shook his head. "You can't help being sick, James."

"But I sat out in the rain for all that time."

Logan patted James' shoulder. "Just sitting out in the rain can't make you sick, James. This flu thing has been going around anyways. Sure, sitting in the rain for an hour probably made this a thousand times worse, but that alone didn't make you sick."

James closed his eyes again. "I just want to sleep."

Kendall patted his shoulder. "Alright, man, we'll check on you in a little bit."

James nodded.

"Call if you need anything, alright?" Logan encouraged.

James nodded again.

With sad smiles, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan left the bedroom and let James rest in peace. Logan and Carlos collapsed on the couch and turned on the TV while Kendall grabbed the phone and dialed the memorized number.

After the phone rang twice, Mrs. Knight picked up. "_Kendall? Is everything alright, honey?_"

"James is sick, Mom," Kendall said into the phone.

"_What do you mean he's sick, dear?_"

"He-he has a fever, and he's coughing a lot, and he says his head hurts, and-"

"_Kendall, I got it. Now, there's not a lot I can do in Sacramento, ok? You just need to keep him cool, give him some medicine, let him sleep, and just take care of him, ok? If he gets any worse or Logan thinks something is wrong, take him to the hospital. He'll be fine, Kendall, don't worry._"

Kendall nodded, but realizing his mother couldn't see that, spoke up again. "Alright, Mom, we'll do that. Stay safe."

"_You too, honey. I love you._"

"I love you, too." And with that, Kendall hung up the phone.

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><p>"Hey, James," Kendall said twenty minutes later when he walked into the bedroom. "Uh, we made you some toast."<p>

James sat up in bed and Kendall was shocked by how sick James looked. He was extremely pale, had dark circles under his eyes, and had a thin layer of sweat covering him. Kendall thought he looked even worse than this morning.

"I'm not hungry, Kendall," James said softly.

"You need to eat," Kendall encouraged. "You won't get better if you don't."

"I'm really cold, Kendall," James said, trying to change the subject.

Kendall placed the plate on James' nightstand. "I'll go get you another blanket _if _you eat one piece of toast. C'mon, now, you can do that."

James felt his shoulders sag and he let out a defeated sigh, knowing Kendall wouldn't leave him alone until he ate the toast. Sometimes, he hated how stubborn Kendall could be. He reached over to this nightstand and picked one of the half pieces of toast. Slowly, he took a bite, then another and another.

"There we go," Kendall said in a semi-high voice. "Keep going."

James gave him a warning look as he continued eating. Once he finished the piece, he gave a Kendall another look that clearly said _Are you happy now?_

Kendall chuckled. "I'll go get you another blanket now." Kendall got up and walked into the hallway. He opened the closet door and pulled out his mother's collection of huge blankets. He took two of them and put the rest back. He brought them back to James, and was going to hand him one, but saw that he was already fast asleep.

Kendall smiled softly and placed a hand on James' forehead. It was just as warm as before, maybe even warmer. After sighing, Kendall took one of the fleece blankets and laid it over James' sleeping form. He wrapped the blanket tighter to James and placed the extra one at the foot of his bed. Kendall picked up the plate with the other piece of toast and walked to the door. He turned and took one last look at James before walking out and closing the door behind him.

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><p><strong>And there we go! Ok, so what did you guys think? I would really like to see some reviews from all different writers. I love the opinions of <em>all<em> my readers, so if I could see some new people along with my already loyal reviewers (who I would like to give a special shout out to, cause I absolutely LOVE you guys!), I would really appreciate it! Until next time!**


	28. Monopoly

**Uh, I don't know if any of you had noticed, but we have officially gotten over 300 reviews! I'm seriously in shock now. I can't believe this, thank you all so much. I wouldn't be where I am without any of you. Now, as a thank you, I'll update tomorrow. You all deserve it!**

**Big thanks to Boots'N'Opals for ideas on this chapter!**

**Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to asdfghjklblah. Caitee, you know why.**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Big Time Rush? I wish!**

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><p>"How's James dong?" Logan asked when Kendall walked into the living room.<p>

"I think his fever's gone up," Kendall replied. "Should we check it?"

"Yeah, we probably should," Logan said, but seeing Carlos' scared expression, he quickly added in, "Just to be safe." Carlos nodded and Logan went to grab the thermometer from the medicine cabinet. The three healthy boys walked into the dark bedroom to see a still sleeping James.

"Should we wake him up?" Carlos asked quietly.

"Yeah," Logan said back. "I really want to make sure his temperature isn't too high." Kendall nodded and gently shook James and said his name over and over. Finally, after a few minutes of trying, James finally moaned and opened his eyes.

"Hey, James," Kendall said. "We have to check your temperature, but you can go back to sleep after that, ok?"

After couching harshly into his sleeve, James nodded and opened his mouth. Logan gently put the instrument inside and James wiggled it around until it was under his tongue. They waited in a somewhat awkward silence for a few minutes before the thermometer beeped, Logan removed it from James' mouth, and read the digital numbers on it.

"What is it?" Carlos asked, sounding a little scared of the answer.

"102.6. I don't like how fast it's going up. Kendall, go get an ice pack or a wet washcloth, and Carlos, get two Tylenol and a glass of water," Logan said, eyes never leaving the thermometer in his hand. Kendall and Carlos immediately left the room to get what Logan told them to, and Logan sat down beside James.

"How you feeling?" Logan asked quietly.

"I feel fine, Logan," James said irritably.

Logan laughed lightly as Kendall and Carlos came back in with the desired supplies. James quickly swallowed the pills and Logan adjusted the ice pack on his head.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Carlos said excitedly. "Let's all play a game!"

"I don't know, Carlos," Kendall said. "James really should be resting…"

"No, I'm ok," James said quickly. "Besides, I've been resting all day. I'm getting really bored. Can we please play a game?"

Kendall sighed. "Alright. Carlos, go pick out a game. We'll play it in here."

Carlos nodded so hard, it hurt his neck and ran to the where they kept the games in the living room. After scanning over the boxes quickly, Carlos pulled out the Monopoly game box. It had always been their favorite game back in Minnesota. He skipped back to the bedroom and set the box on the floor.

James moved from his bed and sat down on the floor, leaning up against his bed. Logan grabbed the extra blanket Kendall brought earlier and draped it over James before sitting down himself. Carlos and Kendall sat down too and Kendall started setting the game up.

James went first, then Logan, Carlos, and finally Kendall. They played around for about an hour, but they had to take a break for a little while because they were all laughing so hard, they had tears streaming down their faces. Once they recovered from their laugh attack, they continued playing.

"Oh, what now!" James yelled. "I just got yet another hotel! I am seriously beast at this game!"

"Yeah right!" Kendall said back. "How do you know we're not just _letting_ you win?"

"Well, are you?"

Kendall looked at the ground. "No."

James laughed as he took his next turn. He rolled the dice. "Double sixes! That's right!"

Another half hour passed and James basically owned all the properties and had hotels on almost all of them. It wasn't much of a surprise when James won ten minutes later. And, of course, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan rolled their eyes as James gloated over his victory.

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><p><strong>Ok, I know! Really short! But this story need a break from the angst and I needed to give Caitee something nice. Don't worry, the angst will be back at full blast next chapter, which will be here tomorrow! <strong>

**Review?**


	29. Hospitals Revisited

**Ok, I promised you guys a double update, so a double update is what you're gonna get! Again, thank you for all the reviews and encouragement, it means so much!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR **

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><p>The rest of the day and night passed. James spent most of it sleeping, and the time he was awake was him coughing or sneezing and Logan taking his temperature. James kept telling everyone he was fine, but everyone knew that wasn't true. James felt horrible and it showed. He was extremely pale, constantly shivering, and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were afraid he was going to cough up a lung.<p>

"Ok, James," Logan said later that night. "We're all going to bed. You need anything?"

"No, Logan," James said. "I'm fine."

"Alright," Logan said, rasing his eyebrows. "Call if you change your mind."

"I won't."

Logan gave him a half smile and left the room. James sighed and snuggled back under the comforters. He heard Kendall crawl into his own bed, and James yawned softly. Before he knew what happened, James was fast asleep.

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><p>James was woken up by a dull pain in his stomach. He sat up, stretched, and looked over at the digital clock. <em>2:47<em>. Ugh, James did not want to be up. He tried to close his eyes again, but suddenly the pain in his stomach was intensified and James shot out of bed. He ran out of his room and into the bathroom. As threw the toilet lid up and vomited violently into it.

James felt a hand on his back and assumed it was Logan, but at the moment, he didn't care. He vomited for what seemed like forever until he finally stopped and leaned up against the bathtub. He looked up and saw not Logan, but Carlos staring down at him with worried eyes. Carlos looked in the toilet and back to James.

"Was that… blood?" the boy squeaked out.

James wiped his mouth and looking at his hand, saw a red subsistence coated in with the vomit. James shrugged. "It's not a big deal, Carlos."

"But that was blood! I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen, James. I'll go get Logan."

Carlos turned to leave, but James grabbed his arm. "No, Carlos. I'm fine! It really isn't a big deal. There's no reason to wake up Logan, alright? I'll be fine. Just… help me back to bed, ok?"

Carlos looked uncertain, but did what James asked of him. Carlos pulled him up and guided past the sleeping Kendall into his bed. James collapsed into it and Carlos pulled the blankets around him. With one last look, Carlos went back to his own bedroom.

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><p>"Morning, Carlos," Logan said the next day. "How'd you sleep?"<p>

"Not very well, I guess. It was a long night. I got up at like, three, 'cause James got sick. Then I helped him back to bed," Carlos responded sleepily.

Logan's head shot up. "What happened?"

"James got sick."

"Why didn't you come and get me, Carlos?"

"I was going to! But James said he was fine, so I just helped him back to bed!"

"Was he ok?"

"He threw up a little blood, but he said it was no big deal, so I didn't think much about it."

"Blood?" Logan asked warily. When Carlos nodded, Logan shot up from his seat and ran into James' room. When he stormed in, Kendall sat up sleepily and asked what was going on. Carlos and Logan ignored him and went right over to James.

"James?" Logan asked. "C'mon, buddy, you gotta get up."

No response.

"Something isn't right. Carlos, hand me the thermometer," Logan said, his eyes never leaving James. Carlos grabbed for the instrument and handed it to Logan. Logan put it into James' sleeping mouth and waited anxiously for it to beep. After a few minutes, it did beep, and Logan pulled it out as fast as he could.

"What does it say?" Kendall asked, still sitting in his bed.

"104.2. You said he was throwing up blood, Carlos?" Logan asked.

"Yeah, a little bit." Carlos looked at James, fear covering his face.

"Ok, we have to get him to the hospital. _Now_," Logan said. Kendall immediately got out of bed and the three boys were trying to get the feverish James up.

"He's not _waking up_, Logan!" Carlos squeaked, on the verge of tears. "He's not waking up!"

"Just calm down, Carlos, we'll just… we'll just get him awake enough to get him downstairs," Kendall said.

After a few minutes, James was maybe a quarter of the way awake, enough so Kendall, Carlos, and Logan could guide him downstairs. They went as fast as they could to the car, and got there in about five minutes. They helped James into the back. Carlos sat next to James while Kendall took shotgun and Logan climbed into the driver's seat. Logan drove as fast as he could, even going _over_ the speed limit, something that he never does. In a record breaking fifteen minutes, the four boys of BTR pulled into the parking lot of the hospital.

Logan and Kendall jumped out of their seats and helped Carlos to get James out. They guided him into the double doors where Kendall started calling out for someone to help them. Once a passing nurse saw the state of the sick boy, she instantly paled and called for a gurney. She and a few doctors pushed the three other boys away and lifted James onto the gurney.

"Wait!" Kendall called out after the doctors. "He has leukemia! He's already sick!"

If it was possible, the doctors paled even more.

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><p>Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took a seat in the waiting room and tried to calm themselves. Panic was the only thing coursing through their heads. They were scared. Scared for what was going to happen to James, scared for themselves. What were they supposed to do?<p>

Kendall had no idea what he was supposed to do. It was a scary feeling. Kendall had always prided himself with the fact that he almost always knew what to do in almost every situation. But ever since James had been diagnosed, he didn't know what to do. Every decision he made seemed to be the wrong one, and Kendall hated himself for it. The bottom line was, Kendall was scared.

Logan was downright terrified. James was his brother, his brother that was dying. Logan could still remember the conversation he and James had that first chemo session. It seemed like it was years ago, but Logan could still remember every detail. He remembered when James admitted he was terrified. Logan didn't want James to be scared. He wished with all his heart that he could switch places with James. It killed Logan knowing there was nothing he could do to help James.

Carlos was guilty. All he could think about was that this was his fault. If he had just gotten Logan last night, they could have gotten James to the hospital, and it wouldn't be so bad. If he hadn't listened to James, they would probably be at home right now. If he hadn't been so _stupid_, James wouldn't be as bad off as he was now. Everyone thought Carlos wasn't very bright, and you couldn't trust him with much. Carlos hated that. Every time he got the chance to prove himself, he messed it up. But now, his pride wasn't on the line, it was James.

Suddenly, Kendall got up. "I better go call my mom."

Logan and Carlos nodded and Kendall stepped outside. After about five minutes, he came back into the waiting room and sat back down. "She and Katie are leaving now, but they don't know when they'll get here. She wants me to call when we have any news."

Again, Logan and Carlos nodded, but said nothing. There was no need. Each boy knew what the other was feeling, since they were going through the same thing. They were off in their own little worlds, and time flew. About an hour and a half later, a doctor came out carrying a small clipboard.

"Is James Diamond's family here?" she asked.

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><p><strong>Ok, you all probably hate me for leaving off there, but I'm still doing it! Sorry this chapter was so bad and short, but I had some MAJOR writer's block there. I know what I wanted to say, I just… couldn't say it… Next chapter will be longer and better. If I don't get it out this weekend, it'll be here no later than Friday. <strong>

**Dare I ask for reviews?**


	30. Masks

**Ok, I'm so sorry I left you all with that cliffie for so long! I have just been SO busy lately. Really, today is the first day off I've had in a while. But I'm here now, right? Right.**

**Oh, and a big thanks to Twisted Illusions who gave me ideas for this chapter forever ago!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR**

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><p>"That's us!" Kendall yelled as he, Carlos, and Logan ran over to the female doctor. "Please, is James ok?"<p>

The doctor looked around the waiting room, then back to the three boys. "Is there a parent or guardian with you boys?"

"Uh, my mom is James' temporary guardian, and she and my sister are on their way from Sacramento. They won't be here for another couple of hours," Kendall responded nervously.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said regrettably. "But I can only give this information to James' parent or guardian."

"Please!" Carlos pleaded. "James is our brother! I need to know if he's ok! Please, can't you just make an exception just this one time?"

The doctor looked at the three boys' pleading eyes and sighed. She held out her hand and each of the boys shook it. "My name is Dr. Natalie Robertson and I was the one who was treating James when he came in."

"Is he ok?" Logan asked.

"James had a very high fever when he came in and was unresponsive due to it. We were able to cool him down and managed to get it down to 103. But him having leukemia, you all must understand that his immune system is so incredibly weak. He is very sick, and his fever was so high, if you hadn't of gotten him in here when you did, James might not have made it. He was sleeping when I left, but he's probably up by now," Dr. Robertson said.

"But he's ok now, right?" Carlos asked, sounding like a little lost child.

Dr. Robertson sighed. This was always the hardest part of her job. "Boys, we're not sure if he'll make it through the night."

The three boys' eyes popped out of their sockets and immediately filled with tears. They all started mumbling incoherent questions and comments, things Dr. Robertson couldn't understand. She felt her own eyes fill with tears as the information sunk in and all three boys collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

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><p>"Can we, can we see him?" Kendall said when he, Carlos, and Logan managed to get up off the floor and stop sobbing. Even now, a cry escaped the lips of one of the boys every few minutes.<p>

Dr. Robertson smiled slightly. "Yes, but I would like you all to wear masks when you go in to reduce the risk of infecting James of something."

Kendall scoffed. "I'm not wearing a mask to see my best friend!" He tried to push past the doctor, but Logan held him back.

"Let me go, Logan," Kendall said firmly.

"No. Kendall, if you don't wear that mask and you give James something, his body will not be able to fight it off," Logan said, his voice strong. Kendall stared hard at Logan, but Logan stared right back. After a moment of silence, Kendall sighed.

"Fine, I'll wear the stupid thing!" Kendall said bitterly.

"There's a cart of them right outside James' room. Room 207," Dr. Robertson said as she stepped aside to let the boys through. The three boys hurriedly walked past to the elevators. They all piled in and Carlos pressed the button for the second floor. They all waited anxiously for the elevator to take them to the second floor. Once it did, they hurried over to Room 207.

Kendall picked up a doctor's mask lying harmlessly on the cart outside the hospital room. Logan and Carlos picked one up too and they all looked at each other. After only a moment's hesitation, they all put them around the mouths and tied it in the back. They got some hand sanitizer from a container on the wall, stating for them to do so, and they rubbed it into their hands Kendall knocked on the door before opening it and they all stepped inside.

"Hey, guys," James said weakly when he saw them, only to start coughing in to his sleeve.

"Hi, James," Kendall said into the mask. "How you feeling?"

"Could be worse," James said. "Could be better though, too. I'll be out of here before I know it though."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan looked at each other. Did James not know?

Logan opened his mouth to speak, but James cut him off. "What's up with the masks? Are you getting ready to go to a costume party? And without _me_?" James laughed softly.

Carlos held back the tears as he struggled to speak. "We have to wear these so you we won't get you sicker, bud."

"Oh. I take it you've talked to a doctor then. When did he say I could leave?" James asked, completely oblivious to how hard Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were trying not to break down.

"She," Logan corrected. "James, there's, there's something we have to… tell you. Something we don't know how you'll take."

James grinned and rolled his eyes. "Just out with it. I'm a big boy. I can take it."

Kendall sat down on James' bed and put his hand on James' weak shoulder. "James, you don't understand. The doctor… she… she, um…"

As Kendall looked into James' eyes and saw the innocence and non-knowing look in them, and he couldn't take it. Memories of their childhood together came rushing back. Kendall and James playing on the playground in kindergarten, Kendall and James playing pee-wee hockey, Kendall and James laughing, Kendall and James at Kendall's birthday party…

It was all too much. Kendall jumped up from the bed and backed into a wall. He slumped down, put his head in his hands, and cried. He sat there on the cold hospital floor and just sobbed. Carlos moved over and sat down next to him. Kendall leaned into Carlos and Carlos held him as he cried. James looked with confusion at the two on the floor, then up to Logan.

"Logan, what's going on?" James asked.

"I-I, uh, I…" Logan stammered.

"Please, Logie," James said softly. "Please tell me what's wrong."

Logan sighed and moved past Carlos and Kendall on the ground over to James. He sat down on the bed and wrapped James in his arms. "James, buddy, they... they. You're really sick, James. Really, really sick. And the doctors... You see... You have to understand... They... don't think you're going to make it through the night."

If it was possible, Kendall started crying even harder, and was now joined by Carlos, who was also sobbing. But Logan stayed strong. James needs him to be strong right now. The three other boys expected James to scream, cry, anything really. But instead, they were surprised when James rolled his eyes and laughed at Logan's words.

"Guys, why are you crying?" James asked.

"Why?" Carlos said, his voice crackled from crying so hard. "You're going to die, James! Why _aren't_ you crying?"

"I'm not crying because I know what I am capable of. Those doctors, they say I won't make it through the night. Kendall, Carlos, Logan. I am telling you right now that it isn't time. I'm going to make it through the night. I can feel it," James said.

Logan rubbed James' back. "James, I know this is what you think, but the doctors-"

"Logan! I don't care what the doctors say. They aren't me. They don't know what I'm feeling," James said, smiling. "So, Kendall, Carlos, get up. Right now. Get up because I'm not going anywhere. You guys are going to be stuck with me for a little while longer."

Kendall and Carlos did what James said, even though Kendall was still crying. James opened his arms and motioned towards them and the two boys joined James and Logan on the bed. James wrapped them all into a four way hug, not letting go. Kendall clung onto James and whimpered into his hospital ground. Carlos had his arm around James' shoulder and hand on Kendall's back, rubbing it comfortingly. Logan had his arm around Carlos and his other arm around James, resting his head on top of James. No one let go of each other. They were afraid to let go. Afraid that if they did let go, everything would they worked so hard for would just come crashing down.

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><p><strong>Ok and there that is. Doctors say James is going to die, but James says he isn't. Who do you guys think is right? Lol, so I have this Monday off, and I'm planning to go on an all-out updating spree since I've kept you all waiting so long. That's right. Update today, update tomorrow, update Sunday, and update Monday. Now the key word here is <em>plan<em>. I'm _planning _on doing this, but I might not get to it. I do know that you will get at _the very least_ two updates this weekend, but I'll try to get that third one out. Until then, have a great rest of the day!**


	31. Halfway There

**Hey, hey, hey! How's everybody doing? I'm doing great! Lol, so far I'm doing pretty well with my plan. So, here's the next chapter! Hope you all like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize.**

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><p>Jennifer Knight and Katie Knight ran into the hospital room, looking wildly for their three boys. Not seeing them in the waiting room, Mrs. Knight rushed over to the front desk and demanded information on James Diamond. The lady there buzzed for a Dr. Robertson and asked Mrs. Knight to sit down and wait in their waiting room.<p>

Mrs. Knight and Katie went into the waiting room, but they didn't sit, they were too nervous for that. After what seemed like forever, a tall woman in a white doctor's jacket walked over to Mrs. Knight.

"Jennifer Knight?" the woman asked.

"Yes," Mrs. Knight said and stuck out her hand, and the woman shook it. "Dr. Robertson?"

Dr. Robertson nodded. "Dr. Natalie Robertson, I'll be James' doctor while he's staying here."

"How is he?"

Dr. Robertson looked at Katie then back to Mrs. Knight. "Could I speak with you in private?"

Looking confused, Mrs. Knight nodded wearily. "Katie, stay here."

Mrs. Knight and Dr. Robertson walked over to the other side of the living room while Katie watched from afar. What's going on? Katie watched as the doctor explained something to Katie's mother and her mother's hand fly to her mouth. After another moment, Mrs. Knight's hands moved to her eyes as she burst out sobbing.

Katie ran over to her mother and asked her what was wrong. When Mrs. Knight whispered it into her ear, Katie, too, burst out sobbing.

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><p>Mrs. Knight and Katie, both wearing masks, walked into Room 207 to see Kendall, Carlos, and Logan hugging a sleeping James on his hospital bed. Wiping away any remaining tears, Mrs. Knight cleared her throat to announce their presence.<p>

"Hi, Mom," Kendall whispered, careful not to wake James.

"How's he doing?" Katie asked.

"He says he's not going anywhere," Carlos said. "He said he doesn't care what Dr. Robertson says, he _knows_ he's going to make through the night."

Mrs. Knight smiled. "Boys, I know that's what James says, but the doctors-"

"We don't care, Mom," Kendall cut her off. "James said he wouldn't and we believe him."

Mrs. Knight sighed. She walked over to James and laid a gentle hand on his forehead. It was extremely warm. "How is he?"

"He really doesn't feel good," Logan said. "He was pretty sick back at the apartment."

"I agree with the guys," Katie said confidently. "James is strong. If he says he'll make it, then I know that he will make it. He's come too far to throw it all away."

Mrs. Knight opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by a knocking at the door. Katie called for them to come in and the opened to reveal Dr. Robertson.

"Hi everyone," she said. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I would like to check James' temperature."

Everyone backed away from James as an invitation for Dr. Robertson. She smiled and pulled out a thermometer from her front pocket and placed in in James' ear. After a minute of waiting, the thermometer beeped and Dr. Robertson took it out to examine it.

"What is it?" Carlos asked wearily.

"103.7. I do not like how high it still is," Dr. Robertson said. "I really think you need to start considering-"

But Kendall didn't let her finish. He stood up from James' bed and walked over to Dr. Robertson, getting right into her face. "No, Dr. Robertson. I really think that _you_ need to start considering that James will live. Because he will. And if you _still_ don't believe that, then I want a doctor here that does. Now."

"Kendall," Mrs. Knight said in a shocked and scolding tone. "Watch your mouth!"

"What is it going to be, _Dr. Robertson_?" Kendall asked, completely ignoring his mother.

Dr. Robertson stared at the blonde boy. She liked this group, she really did. It's not that she didn't want James to live, because she did. She wanted that more than anything in the world, but the statistics weren't so loving. Every odd was against James, but that didn't mean a thing to his friends. This boy was a fighter, Dr. Robertson knew that, she could feel it in her bones. But James couldn't fight this on his own, he needed help. Dr. Robertson could help.

She hung her head and looked up at Kendall through her eyelashes. After running a hand through her hair, she looked back up. "Alright then, I'll go get something to try and bring his fever down and try to find something that might boost his immune system. I'm not having this boy die on my watch."

Kendall smiled under his mask. "Thank you."

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><p>"Ok, so the medicine I put in his IV should bring his fever down," Dr. Robertson said half an hour later when she returned. "When he wakes up, I'll give him something else that will help with his immune system." The doctor patted the still sleeping James' back and turned to leave.<p>

Mrs. Knight walked her to the door. "Thank you so much, Doctor. A lot of people would have given up."

Dr. Robertson smiled. "You know, my mama always told me that we find our greatest strength in our moments of weakness. I never forgot that because it always proved to be true."

"It does?"

"Yeah, it always does."

Mrs. Knight smiled. "I'll remember that."

Dr. Robertson rubbed Mrs. Knight's arm comfortingly, opened the door, and walked into the hallway. Mrs. Knight closed the door behind her and sat back down in a chair beside James' bed. She only sat there for a second, though, before she got back up.

"I forgot to call James' family!" she exclaimed. "I'll be right back, boys. Katie, come with me and we'll bring back coffee for everyone."

Katie nodded and got up from her spot on James' bed to follow her mother. Kendall gave her a kiss on the top of her head before she left.

The three remaining boys sat down in the chairs surrounding James' bed and just sat. They didn't speak and they barely moved, they just stared at James. Every once in a while, James would mumble or groan in his sleep, but other than that, the room was silent. There was nothing to say. James was in the hospital, the doctors thought he would die before morning, and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were petrified.

They acted confident, they acted like they were all so confident in James' promise. But that was all it was, an act. There was no way they could be sure James was right or he would be ok, it was impossible. They wanted to believe so badly that James was right, but how could they be so sure?

When Kendall was a kid and someone asked what super power he would have, he always answered to have super strength or to fly or something like that. But right now, he would give anything to be able to predict the future. He wanted so badly to know what would happen, so he could prepare. But that's not how life works. You not supposed to know what will happen, you just need to have faith and keep going. But that didn't mean Kendall didn't still want to know what would happen next. Suddenly, Kendall was snapped out of his thoughts by Logan.

"_So we take what comes and we keep on going, leaning on each other's shoulders_," Logan sang softly. "_Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow_."

Then James sat up in his bed and smiled softly. "_We're halfway there, we're looking good now. Nothing's gonna get in the way. We're halfway there, and looking back now, I never thought that I would ever say, we're halfway there_."

Carlos piped in on James' next part. "_If we never flew, we would never fall. If the world was ours, we would have it all. But the life we live isn't so simplistic, you just don't get what you want_."

James sang again, this time stronger. "_We're halfway there, we're looking good now. Nothing's gonna get in the way. We're halfway there, and looking back now, I never thought that I would ever say, we're halfway there_."

Kendall looked around and picked up on Logan's part. "_How you ever gonna reach the stars, if you never get off the ground? And you're always here where you are, if you let life knock you down_."

And all four boys sang together on the last verses. "_We're halfway there, we're looking good now. Nothing's gonna get in the way. We're halfway there, and looking back now, I never thought that I would ever say, we're halfway there_."

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><p><strong>Ok! So Dr. Robertson is now on board to save James. And I just HAD to make them all sing together at the end, taking each other's parts! You know, like they were taking each other's burdens? And they just HAD to sing "Halfway There". I think the song really suits the situation, don't you?<strong>

**Please review! Please review and I'll see you all tomorrow!**


	32. Move On

**Wow. Just wow. Thank you all so much for all your reviews and encouragement and just everything! I never imagined getting where I am now, so, all of you, thank you for getting me there.**

**Disclaimer: Me no own BTR**

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><p>"Ok, James, let's check your temperature," Dr. Robertson said at about nine that night. "If it hasn't gone down by now, we'll have to think of something else."<p>

James nodded weakly as the thermometer was placed in his ear. He closed his eyes and waited for it to beep. He was just so _tired_ and he wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. After James heard the beep, he still didn't open his eyes. He felt Dr. Robertson take it out and knew she was studying it.

"What is it?" Kendall asked anxiously.

"102.8. It's not going down very fast, but I suppose that's better than nothing," Dr. Robertson said. "We'll just keep doing what we're doing and hope it keeps going down. How are you feeling, James?"

James opened one eye then closed it again. "M'tired. I don't feel good."

"How so?"

"My throat hurts and I have a headache. My stomach feels sick too."

"Do you feel like you're going to throw up?"

"I don't know."

"Ok, I'll go get you a bucket just in case. I'll be right back."

James heard a door open and close, but he kept his eyes closed. He just felt so sick and all he wanted was to go to sleep and wake up in his own bed. But James didn't want to sleep. He was afraid that if he did, he would never wake back up.

"James, your family is trying to find a flight out here," Mrs. Knight said.

"I know. You told me," James responded.

Mrs. Knight nodded. "I'll go call them and let them know how you're doing." Mrs. Knight walked over to the door and opened it, Katie close behind. She walked out and headed towards the direction of the elevators.

"James?" Kendall said.

"Yeah?" James responded.

"Are you scared?"

James opened his eyes and sat up. "In a way, I suppose. I'm not scared about what will happen to me though."

"Then what are you scared of?" Carlos asked cautiously.

"Carlos, I see what this is doing to all of you. I may be the one with the cancer, but I'm not the only one suffering. You guys are at your breaking points, don't try to deny it," James paused to take a breath. "I'm not scared of death. I know that you guys are, but I'm not. I'm not scared of being in a coffin or being buried. I'm not scared because I know I'll be ok. What I'm scared about is what's going to happen to you all. I know how I would feel if one of you were in my place. I don't think I would ever get over it. But that's not what I want for you. Even though I know it's not time yet, I don't want any of you to stop living your lives should something happen to me."

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Kendall said confidently.

James sighed. "Kendall, right now, I just need you to listen. Can you do that for me?"

Kendall nodded his head.

"Thank you. Now, listen to me because I need you all to know this. I don't want you to forget about our friendship, I could never ask you to do that. But what I can ask is for you to move on with your lives. Can you do that?"

Carlos shook his head. "I don't want to move on. It would be like moving on from you."

"Yeah," said Logan. "I don't want to go on if you're not there with me."

James put his head in his hands and sighed before running them down his face and looking back up. "It's ok to be scared. I know you think that moving on would mean I wouldn't be there anymore. But that could never happen. Remember the promise we made after the last game of pee-wee hockey? We were scared that since the season was over, that would mean that our friendship wouldn't be so strong and it would end. We promised each other that no matter what happened, we would always be best friends. Forever. Even if I… leave, that promise is still in effect. I'll always be here with you guys, no matter where you are."

"But you won't be with us," Kendall said.

James smiled weakly. "Don't worry, Kendall. Don't worry about me, don't worry about what might happen. I'll always be around."

"Do you really think you won't beat this?" Carlos asked.

"Carlos, I don't know what will happen. What I do know is that I will never give up. I have too much left to do. I'm James Diamond! I can do anything! I still need to be famous and marry a pretty girl, maybe even start a family. Now, who would I be if a little a little cancer stop me?"

Kendall smiled. "I know you can do this."

"And we'll always be here to help," Logan said.

"If I have you guys," James said, "I know I can do anything."

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><p>Two hours later, James was fast asleep and his friends were freaking out. James' temperature was still at 102.8 and even though she didn't say, Dr. Robertson looked nervous. She switched him to some different medicine in hopes it would work better, but she was nervous. What if it didn't go down soon?<p>

After James talked with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan, he had fallen back asleep and only woke up twice only to throw up and go back to sleep. Dr. Robertson came in numerous times to check on him, but Kendall, Carlos, and Logan never left his side, sleeping or not.

Three more hours passed, and James was still in a deep sleep. Luckily, the new medicine seemed to be working and James' temperature dropped down to 102.3.

"Is he going to be ok?" Carlos asked.

"It's looking better, but he's not quite out of the woods yet," Dr. Robertson said. "I have other patients to check on, but I'll be back later."

"Thank you," Mrs. Knight said as Dr. Robertson left.

"I'm exhausted," Kendall said, and by the look on his face, everybody knew he meant it. They were all exhausted. It was almost two in the morning and it had been a long day for everyone. But no one dared go to sleep. They were all too worried about James to do that.

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><p>Dr. Robertson pulled the thermometer out of James' ear for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. It was 4:15 in the morning and the doctor had said if his temperature was under control by now, James was safe. He would be ok.<p>

"What is it?" Logan asked nervously, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. "Will James be ok?"

Dr. Robertson looked up and smiled. "100 even. He's ok!"

Everyone jumped up and cheered. James was ok! He's safe! Things were _finally_ starting to look up for them.

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><p><strong>Ok, so short, I know! But I'm not sorry cause you're getting another tomorrow! Until then, PLEASE review so I can know what you think!<strong>


	33. Snapped

**Hey everyone! I can't believe I followed through with my plan! Lol, so here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own them!**

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><p>Three days passed and James' was still in the hospital for observation. A lot of people came to visit him. Apart from Kendall, Carlos, and Logan who were with him every minute, people like Jo, Camille, Stephanie, Kelly, Tyler, and even Gustavo came to visit him. Although all had to wear masks to see him, James tried not to let that bother him and had a good time with them all. But the stress of everything that had been going on had been starting to get to all of them, and James knew it was only a matter of time before one of them snapped.<p>

"How are you feeling, James?" Logan asked, dark circles under his eyes.

"Logan, for the last time, I am fine," James said.

"Are you sure? You look a little pale. Do you feel like you're going to get sick?"

"Logan!" Kendall yelled, feeling just as tired of hearing that as James did. "If he says he's ok, then he's ok. You don't have to treat him like a little baby. He isn't one of _your_ patients, you know!"

Logan turned to look at Kendall. What was his problem? Suddenly, Logan felt all the stress and frustrations of the last few weeks turn into raw anger, and he felt that anger direct towards Kendall. "Will you just stop it? You act like you're the boss of all of us, but guess what? You're not! You can't control us and you can't tell us what to do! So why don't you do us all a favor and SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!"

Kendall stood up before Logan, feeling confident since he was a good few inches taller than him. "What are you going to do to make me, Mitchell?"

Carlos got up from his seat and stood between the two angry boys. "Ok, you guys, let's just calm down before this gets out of hand. Let's just think happy thoughts about kittens-"

Logan turned and pushed Carlos slightly. "Grow up, Carlos! This isn't one of your play dates! Why don't you just stay out of this before you get hurt?"

Carlos shrank back a minute before pooping back up and getting into Logan's face. "You know what, Logan? I'm sick and tired of you treating me like I'm some stupid little kid! You may get better grades than me, but that does not give you the right to treat me like dirt!"

"Guys…" James said, but everyone just ignored him.

"And then there's you, Kendall!" Carlos turned and yelled into Kendall's face. "Why don't you let someone else run the show for once, huh? Why can't you let someone else make a decision without you putting your input in?"

"Maybe I could if you weren't so stupid all the time!" Kendall yelled back. "If I let you make decisions completely on your own, this whole city would burn down! If it wasn't for me, you would be dead by now!"

"Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?" yelled Logan. "Before you go and try to fix _us_, maybe you should fix yourself first!"

"Don't act like you're such a saint, Logan!" Carlos yelled back. "You haven't let us down one school project since 2nd grade without you finding something wrong with it!"

"Don't act like you don't need me doing that!" Logan pushed Carlos softly. "You're both always asking me to help you with this project or that homework paper! If it wasn't for me, you would all still be in the 6th grade!"

"Guys!" James yelled over them. "Stop it! Just stop fighting!"

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan turned to him. "Stay out of this, James!" they all yelled at the same time.

"You know what?" Carlos said, sounding surprisingly calm. "I'm going to go take a walk. That is, if that's ok with _Kendall_."

"It's fine with me," Kendall said bitterly. "If you need me, I'll be in the cafeteria. Or does Logan need to give me a lesson on proper nutrition first?"

"You obviously don't need me to tell you to eat an apple. Oh wait; you're Kendall, so obviously you do. Too bad I won't. I'll be in the waiting room," Logan said turning to leave. He stomped over to the door, opened it, and stomped out. Kendall was right behind him, but Logan slammed the door in Kendall's nose, causing Kendall to mumbled something and open it again. After Kendall slammed it a second time, Carlos started to leave too.

"Carlos, wait!" James called out.

Carlos turned to him. "What?"

"Please don't leave."

Carlos sighed. "I'll be back in a little bit." With that, Carlos opened the door and walked angrily out.

James slammed back into the pillows and sighed. What just happened?

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><p>An hour and a half passed and the guys were still not back. James was beginning to worry. Were they ok? Were they still mad? James had no idea and was so frustrated he couldn't even get out of this stupid hospital bed to go check on them. James sighed, but turned toward the door when he heard it start to open. James saw the knob turn and a familiar face poke through.<p>

"Is Kendall or Logan here?" Carlos whispered.

"No," James said. "It's just me."

Carlos breathed out a sigh of relief and walked into the room. He sat down on the chair closest to James' bed and put his hands in his lap. "Sorry for running out like that."

James looked away. "It's cool."

"No, James, it's not. I left you here all alone, even after you asked me not to. Just because I'm mad at those… those _jerks_, I shouldn't take it out on you."

James turned back to Carlos. "Why are you guys even mad?"

Carlos looked around the room uncomfortably. "I don't know. We're tired and stressed and we just got mad. But whatever it is, it's really making me mad."

"You guys are being stupid. All of you. Why can't you just make up?"

"I'm not going to say I was wrong! Kendall and Logan are the ones who started it!"

"Carlos, what does it matter who says sorry first?"

"I think it matters. I'm right!"

James gave Carlos a disapproving look. "But-"

All of a sudden, the door opened to show Logan standing in the doorway. Once he saw Carlos, his eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms. "Oh, it's _you_. I guess I'll just come back later."

Carlos stood up. "It's ok. I'll leave."

Carlos pushed past Logan rather roughly and Logan took Carlos' chair. He sat down and put his hand on the back of his neck. "I shouldn't have just left you."

James smiled softly. "Your fight with them was really stupid, you know."

Logan looked up at James, his expression stony. "They are jerks. I should have gotten mad a long time ago."

"Logan, you're tired and you're stressed. That's the only reason you guys blew up like that. You really should make up."

Logan shook his head. "No way. I'm not apologizing to _them_."

James sighed. "Fine, don't apologize. But you'll regret it."

"No I won't, James. I should have done this a long time ago."

James shook his head and decided to change the subject. For fifteen minutes, they talked about this and that. For another ten minutes, they watched TV until there was a knock on the door. Kendall opened his head and poked his head in.

Logan got up. "I'll see you later, James."

"No, Logan, you don't have to leave."

"I'm not going to be in the same room as _that_," Logan replied bitterly.

"Neither am I," said Kendall.

James sighed as Logan left and Kendall walked in. They were being such idiots. Kendall sat down in the chair.

"Kendall, you're being so stupid. Just make up with them!" James said, frustrated.

"No way. Why do I have to be the one to do it?"

"Well, Logan and Carlos won't."

"And that's supposed to be my fault?"

James sighed again. This was going to be harder than he thought.

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><p>The next day wasn't any better. Not wanting to be in the same room, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took turns visiting with James despite the sick boy's best efforts to get them together. It was no use. None of them wanted to admit they were wrong or be the first to apologize. What was James to do?<p>

At about 2:30, James found himself alone in his hospital room, waiting for Carlos to come take his turn. When there was a knock at the door, James expected Carlos to come in, but instead, it was Dr. Robertson.

"Oh, hi, Dr. Robertson." James said, sounding very disappointed.

"What's wrong, James?" asked Dr. Robertson.

"Kendall, Carlos, and Logan are fighting and they refuse to be in the same room as each other."

Dr. Robertson frowned. "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help."

Suddenly an idea popped into James' idea. "Maybe you could…"

For the next few minutes, James explained his plan to his doctor, hoping she would go for it. When he finished, James looked at her with hopeful eyes.

"I don't know, James. That sounds a little extreme."

"Please, Dr. Robertson! It's the only way they'll make up!"

Dr. Robertson sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. But I won't like it."

James smiled. "Thank you!"

Dr. Robertson rolled her eyes and smiled at James. "Be sure you're ready, they'll be here in maybe five minutes."

James nodded his eyes and got into position as Dr. Robertson walked out into the hall. She walked a little ways before she saw Carlos walking down the hall.

"Carlos! Go get Kendall and Logan! It's James!" she said.

"What's wrong with him?" Carlos asked, sounding very worried.

"Just go get them, right now."

Carlos nodded and ran down the hallway. He ran into the waiting room and saw Logan sitting in a chair, thumbing through a magazine. "Logan!" Carlos yelled out.

Logan's mouth turned into a frown. "What do _you _want?"

Carlos ignored the bitter tone and ran over to pull him up. "Hurry up! We have to find Kendall! Something's wrong with James!"

All thoughts of their fight were immediately washed away from Logan's mind. "I think he's in the cafeteria, come on!"

The two boys ran through the hallways into the cafeteria, finding Kendall sitting alone at a table. They ran over to him and pulled him over.

"Get off of me!" Kendall yelled.

"Kendall," Logan said. "It's James."

Kendall's face instantly paled as they ran up to James' room. They all barreled in to see James lying in his bed, sleeping. They all rushed to his bedside.

"Is he ok?" Kendall asked.

"Dr. Robertson sounded like it was serious," Carlos said.

"Oh, James…" Logan said.

"He didn't want us to be fighting," Kendall said.

"_I _don't want us to be fighting," Carlos said, as he grabbed James' hand.

"I'm sorry!" Logan blurted out. "I didn't mean any of that! I was tired and stressed, but I never should have treated you guys like that."

"I'm sorry too!" Carlos cried. "I don't want us to be like this!"

Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it. The truth is that I love you guys to death."

Carlos dropped James' hand as Kendall pulled them into a three way hug. They buried their heads into each other's shoulders and all the anger and bitterness they felt before was instantly washed away.

"Finally! But I really didn't think you would all make up that fast!"

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan turned in shock towards James, who was wide awake and looked fine.

"Were you _faking_?" Logan asked shocked.

"I'm sorry, but it was the only thing I could think of!" James said. "It worked didn't it? You guys made up, didn't you?"

Carlos sighed. "You're so mean. You scared us half to death!"

James smiled. "I wouldn't have had to do it if you guys weren't so stupid!"

Kendall patted James on the back. "What am I going to do with you all?"

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><p><strong>Ok, so that chapter was a lot longer than I thought it would! But James is so mean, freaking them out like that! Lol, but it needed to be done. So, you all know the drill. Next chapter will be up on Friday!<strong>

**Reviews?**


	34. Birthday Wishes

**I'm such a liar. I SAID I would have this out yesterday, but that obviously didn't happen. I just couldn't finish it in time. I feel really bad. I'm really sorry about that, but at least it's here now, right? Right…**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing BTR.**

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><p>Three weeks passed and James spent more time in the hospital or the Cancer Center than at home. Day by day was a struggle, and Kendall, Carlos, and Logan swore they could see James wasting away before their very eyes. Everything became a struggle for James. He was so weak; he could barely lift up the remote to the TV.<p>

It was hard for Kendall, Carlos, and Logan to see James like this. They simply couldn't take it. Every time James coughed, they cringed. Every time James couldn't lift something up, they heart broke into tinier and tinier pieces. Every time James let out a moan of pain, they had to leave the room.

Of course, they still did what they could to help James. They went with him to his chemo sessions, they helped him with whatever they could, and they tried to stay strong. But they were all getting frustrated with the situation, James included. So when James' 17th birthday rolled around, they decided to make it the best birthday ever.

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><p>"Is James still sleeping?" Kendall asked on the morning on James' birthday.<p>

"Yeah, Carlos checked a couple of minutes ago. He's out," Logan said.

"Do we have everything?" Carlos asked.

"I hope so," replied Logan. "I'm pretty sure we do, but I have this feeling we forgot something."

After a moment of thought, Kendall jumped up. "What are we going to do with him while we get the party ready here?"

"We forgot about that!" Logan said. "How are we going to keep him away from the Palm Woods?"

"One of us could take him somewhere. You know, distract him, keep him away," Carlos suggested.

"That could work," Logan said. "Who could keep him away the longest?"

"I can do it," Kendall said. "I can take him to lunch and maybe go see a movie. Would that be enough time?"

"That'll work, but we'll have to hurry," Logan said. Just then they heard a door open and close. They all threw themselves on the couch, turned on the TV, and acted like that's what they had been doing the whole time. James walked in sleepily and joined them on the couch, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Carlos yelled in James' ear.

James winced at the volume, but gave Carlos a smile. "Thanks buddy."

Kendall and Logan smiled. "Happy birthday, James," they said together.

"Thanks, guys. Where's Mama Knight?"

"She and Katie went to the store to get pancake mix and milk. They'll be back in a few minutes," Logan said.

James smiled. "Well, I'm going to go take a shower and get dressed."

"We'll be here, Birthday Boy!" Carlos yelled.

James chuckled. "Alright, Carlos."

As soon as the three boys heard the door close, they jumped into action. Carlos blew up balloons, Logan started looking for cake recipes, and Kendall was on the computer, looking at movie times. Mrs. Knight and Katie walked in the door a few minutes later and started making pancakes, but the boys kept working. When they heard the door open again twenty minutes later, Carlos threw the balloons into the closet and Logan put the cookbook in the cabinet.

James walked in and Mrs. Knight handed him a plate of pancakes. James thanked her and sat down at the kitchen table. Everyone else joined him and Mrs. Knight gave everyone their pancakes. After James finished, he put his plate in the sink and Kendall stood up too.

"Hey, James," he said. "Do you want to go see a movie and get some lunch with me?"

James smiled. How stupid do they think he is? "Sure, Kendall, let me just grab my beanie."

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><p>Three and a half hours later, Kendall and James were on their way back to the Palm Woods. Kendall was driving and James was in the passenger seat, chatting away about something that happened in the movie. Kendall focused on the road and didn't say anything in response. He had a feeling that James suspected the real reason why Kendall took him out, but he didn't ask.<p>

"Kendall?" James asked.

No response.

"Kendall?" James asked again.

Kendall shook his head and looked at James. "What was that?"

"I asked if the reason you took me out was so I wouldn't be in the apartment."

Kendall looked shocked. "What? Why in the world would I do that?"

"Maybe for a certain surprise party you three are planning."

Kendall sighed. "How did you know?"

"Well, first of all, a surprise party is what we did for Logan AND Carlos' 17th birthday, and I'm sure that's what we'll do for yours too. Also, I heard you talking about it this morning."

Kendall laughed. "We're not really that subtle, are we?"

James laughed too. "Not at all. I'm sure that I'll be taking _you_ out on _your_ birthday so Logan and Carlos can set up _your_ surprise party too."

"Just… act surprise, alright? Carlos is pretty excited about this."

"Oh, Kenny-poo, _of course_ I was going to act surprise. I wouldn't want to ruin your doomed-to-fail party."

Kendall shook his head. "Oh, you're just so funny."

James laughed. "You know you love me."

"Of course I do."

James smiled. "So tell me more about this 'surprise' party."

"Nope! I'm not telling you one thing. I want at least _something_ to be a surprise."

"But what's the fun in that?"

Kendall pushed James lightly. "You're the most impatient person I know."

"No I'm not! Is it so bad to want what I want when I want it?"

"You're such a dork!"

"Says the boy who still sleeps in Spiderman pajamas."

"Hey! I'll have you know that Spiderman is a very inspirational and educational character!"

James laughed even harder. "And how is that?"

Kendall opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

James took on a look of triumph. "That's what I thought!"

Kendall turned into the parking lot of the Palm Woods. "I wouldn't be talking. You're the one who only stopped sleeping with a teddy bear last year!"

"For your information, it was two years ago that I stopped. And it wasn't just any old teddy bear. It was the teddy bear I've had since I was a baby. It was sentimental value kind of thing."

Kendall parked the car. "Sure, that's it."

James shook his head and got out of the car. They decided to take the stairs up to the second floor and to the apartment. Kendall opened the door and they both walked in. All of a sudden, everyone from the Palm Woods popped up and so did James' parents and brother. James broke out into a huge grin as they yelled:

"SURPRISE!"

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><p><strong>That was the stupidest thing ever. But I had some major writer's block and this was the only thing I could think of. I didn't really like it, but whatever…<strong>

**Hey, you see that button down there? It says _Review This Chapter_. CLICK IT!**


	35. Discoveries

**Hey everyone! Now, I should probably warn you now that this is going to be pretty short. I'm starting to run out of ideas for this story! So, if you got any, PLEASE OH PLEASE let me know! **

**Disclaimer: No, no, I don't own BTR.**

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><p>The party was a huge hit. Chips, cake, presents… It was all there! And for those few hours, everyone forgot what had happened the last seven months. It was like they went back in time, back to the time where everything seemed perfect. That party wasn't just another birthday party for anyone who attended. It was a shelter, a haven, something that protected them from all the horrible things in life. They didn't think about death or sickness or pain. They celebrated another year of James, another year of life.<p>

It was past midnight by the time everyone left. James collapsed on the couch, a huge smile plastered on his face.

"You guys… rock," he said simply.

Carlos collapsed next to him. "We know."

James chuckled as Logan and Kendall joined them. "No, I'm serious. This party? It was the best night of my entire life! It was perfect."

"Well, I'm glad we could make it so great," Logan said.

"Yeah, you deserve it, James," Kendall said. "We all know how hard everything's been. You deserve a night that just… forgets about all that."

James smiled. "Well, I'm going to head off to bed. Mom, Dad, and Nick are taking me to lunch tomorrow and I really don't feel like falling asleep in my food."

"Alright, man, see you tomorrow," Kendall said. "Happy birthday."

James smiled. "Thanks, dude. You guys are the best, you know that?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "I thought we've been over this! We know!"

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><p>The next day, James spent it with his family. Unfortunately, they had to go back to Minnesota the next day, so James tried to make the most of it. They picked him up at eleven am, went to lunch at a local burger joint, got some ice cream, and caught a movie together. Then James took him back to the apartment, and all the residents of 2J and James' family had supper together.<p>

It wasn't much, but it meant the world to James. Ever since his diagnosis, James has learned to appreciate the little things in life. People say that you don't know what you have until it's gone, and while that is true, it can also apply to when you almost lose it. James knows how close he came to losing it all, he probably knows that better than anyone. Since that first chemo session, James has appreciated what really matters in this life. He stopped caring so much for his appearance and more for the people he loves.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. James has found his in his cancer. He has grown so much closer to his family and friends. He's really opened his eyes to what's around him and expanded his horizons on so many different things. Was he upset about what happened with him? Was he scared? Of course he was, who wouldn't be? But at the end of the day when he looked at his life, he was happy at where he was. He proud of how far he'd come and determined to get through the rest of the way. He wouldn't change what had happened. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? James now knows how strong he really is because you never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have.

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><p>"JAMES!" Carlos yelled in James' ear the morning after his family left. "You gotta get up! You have to be at the L.A.C.C. in half an hour!"<p>

James groaned. He did not want to get up just to go to a chemo session. Why couldn't Carlos just leave him alone? Mentally sighing, James pushed himself up. He threw on a T-shirt and some basketball pants and slipped on tennis shoes. He never dressed for style on the days he had chemo. He dressed for comfort.

James walked out of his room into the dining room. He sat down at the table where his friends where already sitting, enjoying their breakfasts, but James didn't grab anything. He was NOT making that mistake again.

Before he could get a word out to his friends though, Mrs. Knight pulled him up and walked him out of the apartment. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan shook their heads and snickered. They were meeting up with James at the Cancer Center in about an hour.

After finishing their breakfasts, the three boys went to their separate rooms to get dressed and ready. Kendall walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt, but looking over at James' bed, he saw something peeking out from underneath James' pillow.

Curious, Kendall walked over to it and pulled it out. It was sealed envelope, addressed to Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. Kendall felt his stomach drop as he called for Carlos and Logan.

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><p><strong>I'm so ashamed at how short this is. I am so sorry, but I'm running out of ideas! I'm pretty sure this chapter is the beginning of the end for this story if I can't get more inspiration or ideas. As sad as I am to say this, no story can go on forever. But don't worry, the end won't be happening for a while just yet.<strong>


	36. Letters

**OH MY GOSH! I FORGOT TO MENTION LAST CHAPTER ABOUT HOW WE NOW HAVE OVER 400 REVIEWS! THANK YOU SO MUCH! So, just like every time we get a new hundred, I give a double update! Sorry, it's a day late, but it'll have to do.**

**Oh and a HUGE THANK YOU to asdfghjklblah for giving me ideas on this chapter even though she didn't mean to. Love you, Caitee!**

**Oh, and the letter was majorly influenced by _My Wish_, by Rascal Flatts. If you know the song, you will be able to pick up on it.**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Big Time Rush? No, no I do not.**

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><p>"What?" Carlos whined when he and Logan walked into the room. "I was right in the middle of polishing my helmet!"<p>

Kendall held out the envelope in a shaking hand. Logan grabbed it and stared at Kendall. "Is this what I think it is?"

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "I'm guessing it is. Do you think we should read it?"

"I don't know, Kendall," Logan said. "If this is what we think it is, and we read it, there's no going back. We'll have to live with whatever it says."

"I think we should read it," Carlos said. "Obviously, James believed whatever this is to be important enough to write it down."

"I guess that's that," Logan sighed. "Go ahead and open it, Kendall."

Kendall took a deep breath and opened the envelope. With one last look at Logan and Carlos, he began to read out loud.

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><p><em>Dear Kendall, Carlos, and Logan,<em>

_If you're reading this, then I guess that means that I either lost my fight against the cancer or I'm about to. For that, I would like to apologize. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to beat this and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend while I was here. But there's nothing I can do about that now. There are, however, some things that I would like you to know now that I'm not there._

_First and foremost, do NOT blame yourselves in any way, shape, or form for what happened to me. Do you hear me? This is in no way any of your faults. There is no one to blame for what happened to me. But I believe it was supposed to happen. I believe that this sickness is bittersweet in the way that although it ended this way, I was happy the way I was. Of course, I scared and there were times I wished it never happened, but it was still a blessing in disguise. It brought me closer to you all, and for that I will be forever grateful to it._

_Now, I want to tell you what I want for you and your lives. I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slowly. I hope that each road leads you wherever you want to go. Please remember that whenever one door closes, another one opens, and there will always be a window waiting for you to find it. You need courage to find that window. Please, give each other the courage they need._

_You will have to face choices in your life, everyone does. Please, if you can't decide, if you're afraid of it, choose the one that means the most to you. Listen to your heart. If you do that, then this life will become all that you want it to. Your dreams will stay big and your worries small. Please remember that you don't have to carry all your problems by yourself. There will always be someone there to help you. I promise you that._

_Too many people live their lives with regret. Don't be one of them, no matter what you do. Forgive and forget, live by that. Grudges will hold you down and that's not what I want. I want you all to be the best that you can be, but you have to let go of the little things people have done to you to do that. 'What if' are two words that will kill you. Don't give them the chance to do that. Never leave any stone unturned, I promise you it will be worth it._

_You are all going to be something great someday, I can feel it. Even though I'm gone and that probably means Big Time Rush is no more, you will still be something great. Don't let my death hold you back, please don't do that. It is the one thing I do not want for you to do. If you must cry, then cry. If you must mourn, then mourn. But please, _please_, don't let it stop you. You can all be so much. Don't let this loss stop you from being who you are supposed to be. Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened. I know that's what I'm doing._

_Since you will all be so great and successful someday, don't forget where you came from. Don't forget the small little town we came from and who you are. Remember those you love, remember where you came from, because there will be times that's the only thing that will keep you on the ground. Stay modest, stay humble, and help somebody every chance you get. Always forgive. Always give more than you take._

_I know how I would feel if one of you was in my position. I know how I would think I would never be able to move on. I'm not going to ask you to forget about me, I know that you wouldn't be able to do that. But I also want you to be able to move on. You don't have to forget about all the times we've had together, but you can't let those hold you down. If you only focus on the past, there will never be any room for the future. _

_Please be strong. Be strong for my family, your family, each other, and yourselves. When one of you has no strength left, I want the other two to be the ones who hold you up. I don't want the loss of one of us destroy the other three's friendship. Please don't drift away or abandon each other. That would destroy me. These next few months will be so hard, and you're going to need each other to get through. I promise though that it will get better, easier. You find your greatest strengths in your moments of weakness. Be strong, stay strong. And sometimes being strong means being able to let go._

_Don't let this just be a time of loss and sadness for you. Let this be a lesson. Let it be a lesson about life, about love, about family. You only live once, but if you work it out right, once is enough. Work it out right. Live each day to its fullest and never go to bed angry. Tell the people you love how much you love them. Don't let fear of rejection stand in your way of telling that special girl how much you really care for her. You never know when your last day will come, so live each day like it was. Do this because the tragedy of life isn't that it ends so soon, but because we wait so long to begin it._

_Be a best friend to each other and everyone else you meet. Always offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear because we all need one, but not all of us are offered one. Please, offer that to as many people as you can. Tell the truth. So many relationships are destroyed by a lack of trust. You can prevent that. Just tell the truth! I promise that everything will work out in the end of you're just honest! Don't try to outsmart your common sense. When there are times you just don't know what to do, always go with your instinct. Don't overthink these things, it always just backfires on you._

_I know you think that my death is just me leaving you, but that's not true. It's not true at all. I will never leave you and I will always be here to watch over you, to help you. Don't think that this is the end of our friendship, because it's not. Whenever you feel alone, whenever you feel like the world has abandoned you, sit down, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. I will be there. I will never leave you and I will always be there through everything, the good and the bad. Think of me, and I promise you that you will feel me. You'll be able to feel me in your heart because where I'll always be. Never think that you are alone because no matter what, I am there. I always have and I always will. We promised each other that we would be friends forever and always be there for each other. We promised that we would always support each other because we are _brothers_. I am a man of my word, and I plan to keep this promise._

_Saying goodbye isn't the hard part. It's what we leave behind that's tough. What I'm leaving behind is the toughest thing I've ever had to do._

_I love all you guys,_

_James_

* * *

><p>Kendall looked up after reading the letter with tears in his eyes. He looked at Logan and Carlos and saw the tears in their eyes too. He reached up a shaking hand and quickly wiped them away and carefully put the handwritten letter on James' bed. Carlos felt his knees go weak and he kneeled to the ground. Those were James' <em>last words<em> they just read.

Logan sat down on the ground too with a numb expression on his face. His mind was having trouble comprehending what he had just heard. What did it mean? Why did he write this?

Kendall sat down with them and put his head in his hands.

After ten minutes of dead silence, Carlos spoke up. "Does James think he's going to die?"

Kendall looked up and saw the fear in Carlos' eyes. He's not the same Carlos he was seven months ago. He's different, he's more mature. Kendall kind of missed the old Carlos, but he loved him just the way he was. "There's only one way to find out, Carlos. Let's… let's just get dressed and go to the L.A.C.C. We'll ask him about it there."

Kendall got up and helped his two friends up too. He ushered them out of the room and closed the door. He leaned up against it and slowly went back to the ground. He looked over at James' side of the room and closed his eyes as tight as he could. Despite his efforts, Kendall could feel the hot tears roll down his cheeks, onto his neck, and in his shirt. He didn't bother wiping them away. He would never admit it to anyone, but he couldn't deny the truth.

Kendall was scared.

* * *

><p>"James Diamond's room please," Logan said to the woman working the front desk at the L.A.C.C.<p>

"He'll be in Room 211," the woman said.

"Thank you," Carlos said as the three boys took off. They hadn't said anything to each other the whole car ride over. Kendall could feel James' letter burning in his pocket, but he made no motion to it. When they walked into James' room, they saw Mrs. Knight sitting in a chair, reading a magazine. They saw Katie sitting on James' bed and James had his arms around her, a needle in his arm.

"Mom? Katie?" Kendall said hoarsely. "Can we have a moment alone with James?"

With a confused look on her face, Mrs. Knight nodded. She took Katie by the arm and led her out. James sat up straighter and stretched. "Hey, you guys."

"When were you planning to tell us?" Kendall asked bluntly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," James said, eyebrows bunched together.

Kendall took out the letter and threw it at him. "Why did you write that?"

James noticeably paled when he saw what Kendall threw at him. "Where did you find that?"

"It was sticking out from under your pillow. Why did you write it?" Kendall asked bitterly.

"Are you going to die, James?" Carlos squealed.

James shook his head. "I'm not going to die, Carlos. I wrote that because in case something happened, I didn't want anything to be left unsaid."

"When did you write this?" Logan asked.

"Right before we left for my first chemo session," James said his head hanging.

"James, when do the secrets stop?" Kendall asked calmly. "There is so much you haven't told us. I don't like that. I thought we told each other everything. Let me know when you decide to stop these secrets."

Kendall threw one last look at James before storming out of the room. Logan and Carlos gave an apologetic looks to James before going off after Kendall. James hit the side of his bed in frustration. He looked at the letter lying innocently behind him and he groaned. They weren't supposed to see that. He didn't want them to see that. James looked around and realized he was completely alone. He didn't like being alone. That's when James put his head in his hands and he began to cry.

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><p><strong>That took A LOT out of me. The letter alone took me the most though. I really wanted to make it sound good. Although I didn't really like the end, I still really liked the way this turned out and I hope you all did too. Again, thank you all for getting me past 400 reviews. Let's try and get to 500!<strong>


	37. Confessions

**I'm so sorry! I haven't updated in too long! I'm sorry! I've barely had enough time to breathe, let alone write, but I'm still sorry! Again, I'm sorry, but at least it's here now.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR.**

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><p>"Kendall!" Logan yelled out. "Come back!"<p>

Kendall turned around. Logan and Carlos were running over to him and he sighed. He sighed once more.

"What?" Kendall asked once Logan and Carlos caught up with him.

"It's not James you're mad at," Logan started.

"So what is it?" Carlos finished.

"I don't know!" Kendall yelled. "Nothing has been going right lately, nothing at all! I didn't want James to say goodbye. I'm not… I'm not good with goodbyes."

"James wasn't trying to say goodbye," Carlos said. "He just wanted us to know what we needed to know. We weren't even supposed to see that letter, Kendall. He wasn't going to say goodbye to us."

Kendall sneered. "Carlos, stop it. You act as though everything is just great, when it's not. Life isn't fair. No one can ever win."

Logan shook his head sadly. "What has happened to you? You're not the same Kendall you used to be. You used to be the one who was always telling to stay positive and that everything will turn out ok. What happened to him? I don't know who this is."

"He's gone, Logan," Kendall said. "He left the same time that everything fell apart."

"I miss him," Carlos said. "He always knew just what to say to keep us believing. I looked up to him, I respected him."

"What's wrong with this Kendall? Isn't he good enough?" Kendall asked.

"We love whichever Kendall you choose to be," Logan said. "But as for which Kendall is the right Kendall, that's up to you."

Kendall sighed for the third time. Suddenly, his eyes went wide. "If both of you are here, then who's with James?"

Logan and Carlos looked at each other and gasped. "Come on!" Carlos said. "We better get back!"

The three boys turned and rushed back the way they came. They burst into James' room to see James sitting in bed, his head in his hands, sobbing.

Kendall rushed over, sat on the bed, and wrapped James in his arms. James buried his head in Kendall's chest and cried harder. "Shh, James, please don't cry," Kendall said. "I'm not mad at you, not one bit. I'm mad at the situation. I don't like seeing you like this."

"B-but I'm s-sorry," James sobbed. "I know w-what all this is d-doing to you."

"James, stop that. Don't worry about us. Please, don't do this to yourself. I'm the one who's being a jerk, not you. I'm sorry for getting mad about the letter, it's just that I didn't want to imagine a life without you. The truth is I really appreciate the letter. It was good that you thought about us. This is what you wanted us to know, and I'm grateful for that."

"You d-don't get it! I wrote t-that letter because I _have_ b-been lying to you this whole t-time!"

Carlos' mouth dropped. "What are you talking about?"

James let out a loud sob. "This whole t-time, I've been telling y-you that I know I'll m-make it through this, b-but I've been lying straight t-to your face! I d-don't know if I c-can do this! I wrote the l-letter because I wasn't sure if I c-could do it! My p-point is that I might n-not make it out of it t-this time. I might not d-do it."

"You can't talk like that!" Kendall protested.

James sighed and wiped his eyes. "You must c-consider it, K-Kendall. It could happen and you k-know it."

Kendall struggled to keep his tears in his eyes. "James, you're the one who keeps telling us to keep our heads up. I can't do it. If you give up, I don't know what we'll do."

James' tears kept rolling down his face. "I keep trying to stay b-brave, but I am absolutely terrified. I don't want to d-die."

"You're not going to die," Logan spoke up for the first time since he came into the room. "I don't know how we'll get through this, but I know we will. We always find a way out of everything. Why is this time any different?"

"B-but I'm so scared," James mumbled.

"I know that you are," Kendall said. "It'll be ok though. We're here to help keep you up. You're never alone."

James felt his stomach churn as he open his mouth to respond, but instead of words coming out, he leaned over the railing and threw up all over the hospital floor.

* * *

><p>Kendall gently brushed aside the sweaty bangs from the sleeping James' face. After he had thrown up, he was so exhausted that he fell asleep. Kendall was worried. This was the first time that James had openly admitted being scared for himself, and frankly, it scared Kendall. James was never one to admit his fears, and so when he did, the three other boys always knew it was always a very big deal to the boy.<p>

"I haven't seen him cry so hard in months," Logan said softly.

"I don't like it when James cries," Carlos added.

"Why did this have to happen?" Kendall said. "James was the last person who deserved this, so why did it have to happen to him? I remember when he first started getting sick and we thought it was just the flu. I was so stupid. I saw all the signs, I should have known. Every day for the past seven months, I've been terrified. And I don't know what to do about it."

"None of us does, Kendall," Logan said. "It's so scary to see James like this. He's like an entirely different person. And the worst thing about all this? There is not one thing we can do to help him."

"I'm scared for James," Carlos piped in. "Nothing's the same anymore. I never realized how good I had it. I never realized that it could be so much worse. Ignorance is bliss, but when it's taken away all at once, it destroys you."

"What do we do?" Logan asked.

"I'll tell you what we do," Kendall said. "We're going to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and we're going to help James. We may not be able to heal James physically, but we can support him. And right now, he needs all the support he can get."

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><p><strong>I know, I know. You waited so long for something so short. I'm really sorry, but for this chapter I felt like I packed a lot into a little. Anyways, please review and tell me what you think!<strong>


	38. Bad Day

**You all have permission to kill me. I know, I know, it's been 2 weeks since I updated. Stupid writer's block combined with having no time to write caused this and I am VERY sorry! Really, I am! I remember reading the reviews I got about how people were wondering where I was and where's the update, and I just felt SO HORRIBLE! So, I am sorry and I hope this chapter makes up for it?**

**Disclaimer: This author does not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>James woke up a few hours later with a pounding headache and a queasy feeling in his stomach. He sat up and saw Kendall and Logan sprawled out on chairs with a flimsy sheet, snoring loudly. He look at the foot of his bed and saw Carlos cuddling a pillow, mouth twitching as he dreamed whatever it was Carlos dreamed about. James leaned back into his pillows and smiled softly at the sight. He looked at his arm and saw that the chemo needle was replaced by a Superman Band-Aid. A nurse must have come in while he was sleeping and taken it out.<p>

James felt a familiar feeling wash over his entire body. Chemo was hard, and James felt the same thing he felt every time his session ended. Relief. Relief it was over, relief he wouldn't have to go through it again for another month… Relief his friends wouldn't have to worry.

James smiled slightly when Logan mumbled something in his sleep. He was so appreciative of their support, but really, they shouldn't be here. They came to every chemo session, no matter what, and James really found it unnecessary. Most of the sessions started early in the morning and they didn't get home until late at night. There were so many other things Kendall, Carlos, and Logan could be doing instead of hanging around a hospital all day.

James took a deep breath and stretched. Suddenly, Logan's eyes snapped open in surprise and confusion. After he got a bearing of his surroundings, Logan's eyes relaxed and he rubbed the sleep out of them. He looked at James and smiled.

"Hey," Logan whispered, careful not to wake Kendall or Carlos.

"Hey," James whispered back.

"How are you feeling? Do you still feel sick?"

"Eh, I'll be ok. What time is it?"

Logan looked at his watch. "Almost six, we'll be able to go home in about a half hour. And what do you mean you feel 'eh'? Tell me the truth, what's wrong?"

"Logan, I'm fine. I just have a headache and my stomach's a little off. Seriously, you guys worry too much!"

"We worry because we care. Do you need me to get a doctor for your headache?"

"No, I'm ok. I just… I just want to go home."

Logan half smiled. "I know, bud, I know."

James closed his eyes. He put his hands behind his head and sighed. It was going to be a long thirty minutes.

* * *

><p>"James, psst, James! Wake up!"<p>

James groaned and swatted away whoever was trying to wake him up. However, whoever this person is was very persistent and kept shaking James. James groaned again, but the person didn't give up. Finally, James forced his eyes open and saw Carlos' big brown eyes staring back at him.

"What _is_ it, Carlos?" James asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"The doctor said we can go home now! Isn't that great?" Carlos shrieked, excitement written all over his face.

"Yeah, that's pretty great," James said as he sat up.

"Logan told me to wake you up and get you ready to go."

James nodded and Carlos helped him out of the bed. Carlos tried to ignore how he practically had to support all of James' weight. He helped James out of the room and to the elevators. Once they got to the main floor, Logan and Kendall met up with them and helped James to the car.

Once they got back to apartment 2J, James collapsed on the couch. Mrs. Knight hurried over to the hall closet and took out a blanket for James, which he thankfully accepted. He curled under his blanket and turned on the TV. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sat down around him and watched as he flipped from channel to channel. Finally, James sighed, deeming everything unfit to watch, and threw the remote to Kendall. He closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow.

After about forty-five minutes of listening the TV and his friends' conversation, James finally surrendered the battle to sleep and submerged into blackness.

* * *

><p>A month passed, then another. James' chemo sessions continued and he began going outside the apartment less and less. He spent most of his time in his bed, too weak and tired to do much else. He tried to keep doing his day-to-day activities, he really did, but he just didn't have the strength. So when the ninth month anniversary of when James was diagnosed rolled around, he was in bed. As always.<p>

James snuggled under the comforter and moaned. He had his good days when he felt good and could even move around the apartment a little, and then he had his bad days. Today was not a good day.

"Hey," Kendall said as he poked his head into the room. "Can I get you anything?"

"No thanks," James said simply.

"Are you sure? I could get you some soup, or maybe something to drink? We got this hockey magazine at the store today. I could bring it to you."

"Kendall, really, I'm fine."

Kendall nodded even though he knew James wasn't looking at him and quietly left the room. He flopped down on the couch with Logan and Carlos.

"How is he?" Logan asked.

Kendall sighed. "It's another bad day."

"That's the second one this week!" Carlos yelled.

"Shh!" Logan hissed. "James is trying to sleep!"

Carlos shrunk back. "Sorry…"

"It's ok, Carlos," Kendall said. "Just tone it down a little."

Carlos nodded his head hard and fast. "When's he going to wake up?"

"Hard to say, it could be anywhere from a couple of hours to all day," Logan said.

"Why can't he get better?" Carlos asked innocently.

Logan looked at Kendall. He didn't know what to say. That left it up to Kendall.

"Um, Carlos, you know that bad things happen to everyone, right? Even good people?" Kendall started. Carlos nodded. "Well, cancer is James' bad thing."

"But why did it have to be cancer?"

Kendall sighed. "Carlos, right now, all we're focusing on is the bad stuff. Let's count the good things. James is alive. James is happy, he said so in his letter that this was a blessing. It has brought us all so close together, and made us all so strong. It's made us who we are."

Logan picked up there. "Look at how much we've learned. Live your life with no regrets. Tell the people you love just how much you truly love them. Take_ nothing _in your life for granted. This sickness has taught us so much. It's shaped us into different people. Stronger people, wiser people."

Carlos nodded. "I guess you guys are right. But I still want James to get better."

"I know," Kendall said. "We all do."

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><p><strong>Again, I am so sorry for the wait.<strong> **If it makes up for** **it, I worked really hard on this chapter and I'm pretty proud of it. But what do you all think?**


	39. Picture Game

**Hey everyone! I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving! I know I did!**

**Oh, and did anyone else catch BTR singing the National Anthem at the Cowboys/Dolphins football game? I did and it was AMAZING! I'm so proud of them!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Big Time Rush.**

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><p>Three hours later, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan heard a low groan coming from James' bedroom. After giving each other confused looks, the three boys cautiously eased themselves from the couch and made their way to James and Kendall's bedroom. Kendall opened the door slowly and they all walked in.<p>

"James?" Carlos asked innocently. "Are you ok?"

Logan flipped the light on to reveal James on his bed, holding his stomach and wearing a look of pain on his face. Kendall quickly rushed to his side and put his hand on James' back.

"James, buddy, what's going on?" Kendall asked, panic unusually coating his voice.

"It… hurts, it h-hurts so bad, Kendall!" James cried.

"Is it your stomach?" Logan asked. James nodded. "I'm sure this is just from your chemo session yesterday. You must be taking this one harder than the others."

"L-Logie, please make it stop!" James pleaded. "Do something, _anything_, to make it stop!"

Logan felt guilt wash over him and pity cloud his face. "I-I'm sorry, buddy. There's nothing I can do. You're just going to have to bite the bullet on this one."

James looked up at him with pained eyes. "There's _nothing _you can do?"

Logan shook his head sadly. "How about you come lay on the couch with us? We can watch some TV or maybe a movie… It might take your mind off of it."

James nodded and allowed Kendall and Carlos to help him up from his bed. The two boys slowly led James to the couch, careful not to hurt him any further. Kendall lowered James down to the orange couch while Carlos grabbed a blanket draping over the couch and put it around James. After muttering weak thanks, James wrapped it tightly around himself.

Logan popped in an old action movie and sat down on the ground, leaning up against the couch. Kendall sat down next to James and James put his head on Kendall's shoulder. Carlos sat at the other end of the couch, looking intently at the screen. After about forty-five minutes, James' yawns became more and more frequent and soon he was asleep altogether. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all let out a sigh of relief that James was finally asleep and focused on the movie.

As soon as the movie was over, Logan started another one and Carlos made some popcorn. James shifted his position on Kendall's shoulder, but didn't wake, much to Kendall's relief. About halfway through the movie, James sat up and immediately smelt Carlos' popcorn. The smell made the pain in James' stomach flare up and before he knew what was happening, James found himself hung over the toilet, throwing up whatever he had in his stomach. He felt a hand on his back, rubbing it in an attempt to comfort James, but James honestly didn't care who it was at the moment.

Finally, James reached up a shaky hand and flushed the toilet. He slowly lowered himself down on the floor, pressing his face against the cool bathroom tile. He looked up and saw his three friends looking down worriedly at him. Logan turned and filled a Dixie cup with tap water and handed it to James. James accepted it and took a sip before handing it back to Logan.

"You ok?" Carlos asked.

"My stomach really hurts," James just said.

Logan kneeled down and rested his hand on James' forehead and cheeks. "You're not warm, so that's good. I hope you're not catching something."

James shook his head. "I'm ok, Logan, really. Just… leave me alone for a little while, ok?"

Kendall offered his hand. "Let's get you back to your bed then."

"No… just let me stay here. I don't feel good," James said as he eyed Kendall's hand like it was a snake.

"But James, you'll be a lot comfier in your bed!" Carlos argued.

Logan ushered the two other boys out of the bathroom. "Just leave him be. If says he wants to stay there, we'll let him. We'll move him to his bed in a little bit, when his stomach doesn't hurt so much."

Kendall and Carlos nodded as they glanced into the bathroom. James was lying with his arms wrapped around his knees. Every so often, he would try to move up to the toilet, like he thought he was going to get sick again, before the feeling would pass and he would lie back down.

It broke Kendall, Carlos, and Logan's hearts.

* * *

><p>"Come on, bud," Kendall coaxed. "My mom's going to be starting dinner soon and I know you don't want to smell or see that. So let's get you to our room, does that sound good?"<p>

James looked up with tired eyes at Kendall. He had been on the bathroom floor for an hour and had thrown up three more times. He didn't know what was going on. He never threw up the day _after_ his chemo session. He sure hoped nothing else was wrong.

"Come on, I'll help you," Kendall persuaded.

James nodded and Kendall pulled him up. He gently led James to his bed and helped him in. Logan suddenly appeared in the doorway with a bucket in hand.

"Just in case you think you're going to be sick again," Logan explained as he put the bucket by James' bed. "We'll come and check on you in a little bit."

James nodded and Kendall and Logan left the room. James rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling.

When James was a little kid and he was sick or hurt, his mom always made him stay in bed. He was so bored and there was never anything to do, so James would always stare at the ceiling and try to find pictures in the paint. The habit had stuck with him through the years and James found himself doing that a lot in the past nine months. It was no surprise that he was playing it now.

_That kind of looks like… like a star and the moon…, _James thought.

Finally, James turned to his side and sighed. That game was starting to get old.

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><p><strong>And there we have it! What did you guys think? I have no idea where this came from, so I'm sorry if it's stupid and pointless :P<strong>

**So, I'm not sure when the next update will come. I'll try to get it out this week, but I'm not making any promises.**

**Reviews?**


	40. Blowups

**Hi everyone! It seems that I had today off from school, so what better way to spend it than with Help Me, Save Me? So here's the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you may recognize.**

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><p>"Should we check on him?" Carlos asked a few hours later.<p>

"He's sleeping, Carlos," Kendall said. "Maybe we shouldn't bother him."

"Actually," Logan inputted, "we probably should. I want to make sure he's doesn't have a fever."

Logan went into James' room first. He walked over to the sleeping James and laid a gentle hand on his forehead. He brought it back after a moment before turning back to Kendall and Carlos.

"He's not warm, so that's good," Logan whispered so he wouldn't wake James.

"So if he's not sick, why did he throw up?" asked Kendall.

Logan shrugged. "I'm sure it's just from the chemo. He's ok. There's no need to worry."

"Then why am I freaking out?" Carlos breathed.

Kendall gave Carlos a pity look as he pulled him into a hug. "I know, bud. We're all scared. But we'll get out. Don't we always?"

Carlos glanced at James who was still sleeping soundly. It seems like that's all James does anymore is sleep. They haven't recorded a song in months, they've pretty much dropped out of the public eye, and Griffon has repeatedly gone to Gustavo about dropping Big Time Rush altogether. Nothing is ok and it seems like they'll never get out of this mess.

"I'm going to the pool," Carlos said simply. He pulled out of Kendall's grip and left the room. Kendall glanced to Logan and Logan mouthed: _Follow him_. After sighing, Kendall nodded and chased after Carlos. Logan shook his head and turned back to James. He put his hand back to the cancer stricken boy and closed his eyes in relief when his hand felt no warmth. Flashbacks of the last time James got sick entered Logan's mind. The last thing anyone needed was for James to end up back in the hospital.

"You'll be ok, buddy," Logan whispered. "We need you to be ok."

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><p>"Carlos!" Kendall yelled down the hallway. "Carlos, come back here!"<p>

Carlos whipped around and Kendall stepped back when he saw the anger burning in his eyes. Carlos crossed his arms and waited for Kendall to say something.

The blonde gulped and opened his mouth to speak. "I know you're… scared right now, but everything will be—"

Carlos pointed his finger in Kendall's face. "Don't you dare say it, Kendall! Don't you dare say that everything will be ok or will work out! You don't know that! I am _sick_ of you and Logan saying that! Everything will be ok, it'll work out, we'll get through it… Why can't you just stop? Stop lying! You have no idea of knowing James will be ok any more than I do, so stop pretending like you do!"

Kendall stood in shock. "Carlos, don't be like this. I know—"

Again, Carlos cut him off. "I'm not done, Knight, so don't start talking! And I especially don't want to hear you saying that you 'know what I'm going through'", Carlos air quoted and said in a mocking tone to imitate what Kendall was going to say. "You have _no idea_ what I'm going through! We may be in the same situation, but that does not mean we feel the same thing. James is my_ best friend_."

"Carlos, he's my best friend too!"

Carlos scoffed. "Don't you think I know that? I'm not stupid! But were you there when we chased a cow on the streets in our pajamas? Were you there when we were competing for Lucy? Were you there when we recreated Camp Wonkey Donkey and he gave up a _super model _for you? No! That was _me_! We have been through so much together!"

Kendall felt anger that Carlos thought he was closer to James than he was. He stood taller and looked Carlos in the eye. "You think you're the only one who's been through stuff with him? _I _was the one who tried to get Gustavo out of the apartment with him. _I_ was the one who helped him get blonde Jennifer back. And _I _was the one who first met him! You're the only one hurting, Carlos!"

The anger in Carlos' was replaced by a sadness that Kendall had never seen, and frankly never wanted to see again. The brief anger he felt quickly disappeared as he wrapped Carlos in a hug. "Carlos, I-I'm sorry for shouting. I shouldn't have let my temper go."

Carlos let out a sob. "I-I can't lose him, K-Kendall! I don't know w-what I would d-do!"

Kendall rubbed Carlos back. "Shh, shh, it's ok. We're ok. James is ok."

"But he s-said himself t-that he didn't think h-he could d-do it!"

"James was tried and upset when he said that. I'm… sure he didn't mean it. Don't worry about what may happen. Just focus on what's going on right now. And right now, James is in our apartment, sick, with only Logan for company. Now, I don't know about you, but I think we should save him from that terrible fate."

Carlos chuckled. "I guess we s-should."

Kendall took Carlos by the hand, like he was a little kid, and took Carlos back home.

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><p>Kendall and Carlos walked into apartment 2J and saw Logan sitting on the couch. Carlos was sure Logan saw his tear streaked face, but was thankful he didn't ask about it.<p>

"How is he?" Kendall asked.

"Sleeping. Still no fever, so I'm not worried about anything. I'm sure he'll be ok when he wakes up," Logan answered.

Carlos nodded his head. "When will he wake up?"

"Oh, I'm sure any time. He's been asleep for a while and he should probably eat something when he wakes up."

Just then, they heard a door open and shuffling of feet coming their way. They turned to look in the hallway and saw James walking towards the couch and sat down with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hey, bud, how you feeling?" Kendall asked.

James shrugged. "I'm ok."

"You know, you should probably eat something. I'll make you something light. How 'bout some plain toast or maybe soup?" Logan suggested.

James made a face. "Do I have too?"

Logan nodded. "I really want you to eat something."

Carlos sat down next to James. "C'mon James, please? For me?"

James sighed and looked at Carlos. "Fine, I'll have soup."

Logan smiled and went into the kitchen. James put his head on the pillow next to him and looked at the TV. Logan had some medical special on, so obviously that needed to be changed. He grabbed the remote and changed it to Spongebob.

_There_, James thought, _that's better_.

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><p><strong>And there we go. Chapter 40, you guys! What a milestone! Thank you all so much for getting me where I am! I love you all so much!<strong>


	41. SpongeBob

**Do I realize how long it's been since I've updated? Yes, yes I do. Do I feel INCREDIBLY horrible about it? You can bet your socks I do! Am I EXTREMELY grateful for the over 500 reviews? MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW! Seriously, even though I'm horrible at updating lately because of finals and all that good stuff, you all STILL blessed me with 500 reviews! Do you know how much I love you right now?**

**Disclaimer: I'm getting sick of these. No, I do not own BTR.**

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><p>"And here comes my amazingly amazing soup for James!" Logan called out as he handed James a bowl of steaming hot bowl of chicken noodle soup.<p>

James smiled and shook his head at Logan. "I swear you're one of the weirdest people I have ever met…"

"But you know you love me. Now eat up. You don't want your soup getting cold, now do you?"

James looked at the soup before taking the spoon and bringing the small amount of soup on it to his mouth. It's not that he wasn't thankful to Logan for the soup, because he was. His stomach just felt a little off still and he didn't want to make it hurt even more. However, when the soup he ate didn't make him feel any worse, he took another sip, and another, and soon enough he put the empty bowl on the table beside the couch.

Logan smiled sadly at James before bringing the bowl to the sink. As he leaned up against the sink and stared at James on the couch, he literally had to close his eyes to keep the tears from flooding out of them. It was hard to see James like this. It was hard, having to be strong for him all the time since he couldn't do it for himself. It was hard to keep everything from falling apart and keeping everyone sane.

But Logan wiped away the tears before James could see them. James hated to see Logan or any of the other guys cry. It made him feel guilty and sad and Logan was determined to do anything it took to avoid making James feel like that. He put on a smile and walked back into the living to sit by James. When he sat down, James didn't even glance at him, he was much too focused on the SpongeBob episode currently playing on the TV.

"You know what I love about SpongeBob so much?" James asked suddenly.

Logan shook his head. "What do love so much about him?"

"He's always so happy, even when everything is going wrong. He doesn't care that Squidward hates him or any of the other things bad that happen. He cries about it, but then gets up, shakes it off, and keeps going. And he never thinks about the bad things again.

"I know that it's stupid," James continued, "taking this weird meaning out of a kid's show, but I think I can't help but see that meaning."

Logan held back a sob. "You mean to be happy?"

James shrugged. "Just to live life to the fullest and not to worry about all the bad things that _have _happened. No one can be happy all the time, but it's important that you always _end up _happy."

Logan closed his eyes. "Yeah, I guess it is."

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><p>The next day, James stumbled out of his room and plopped down at the kitchen table. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were already there enjoying their breakfast.<p>

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty," Kendall joked. James glared at him and Kendall laughed. "Oh, calm down. How are you feeling?"

James sighed, feeling sick of hearing that question. "I'm fine, Kendall."

Kendall put his hands up in defense. "Ok, ok, I'm just checking!"

"I'm bored!" Carlos complained.

"Then go find something to do," Katie said as she walked into the room and sat down.

"Morning, Baby Sister," Kendall said as he plopped a kiss on the top of her head. "Is Mom still asleep?"

Katie shook her head. "No, she's getting dressed. So what are you morons up to today? Another attempt at a giant hot tub?"

"That was _one time_!" James argued. "And in our defense, it would have worked if we had just planned it better."

"Sure," Katie replied sarcastically. "I'm heading down to the pool. See you all later."

Just then, Mrs. Knight walked into the kitchen and ruffled through the cabinets. "Morning, boys. Did you all sleep well?"

After seeing four heads nod, she turned to James. "James, are you feeling ok? Does anything hurt?"

James shook his head. "No, Mama K. I am perfectly fine, no need to worry."

Mrs. Knight smiled. "Alright, I'm going to the store in a little bit. Call if you need anything." With that, Mrs. Knight grabbed her purse, slung it over her shoulder, and left the apartment.

"What do you all want to do today?" Kendall asked.

"MOVIE DAY!" Carlos suddenly cried out. He looked at the three boys with pleading eyes. "Please?"

Logan chuckled. "Sure, buddy. Go put in a movie."

Carlos beamed as he rummaged through the DVD stack and popped one in. Within twenty minutes, all four boys were on the couch, ready for a relaxing movie day.

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><p><strong>Horrible. Horrible chapter, I understand. I know, I made you wait so long for a filler chapter that was incredibly short. But have no fear! I get off of school tomorrow, so updates are going to start coming! Expect one Saturday or Sunday?<strong>

**Reviews, anyone?**


	42. Calls, Doubts, and Comforts

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! Now time for chapter 42!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned BTR, do you really think I would be writing this? No, I don't own them.**

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><p>"James! Phone!" Mrs. Knight called out through the apartment.<p>

James slowly got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. After thanking Mrs. Knight, he took the phone from her hand and brought it up to his ear. "Hello?"

"_Hi, James, this is Dr. Anderson from the L.A.C.C._," the voice said.

"Oh, hi, Dr. Anderson. What's up?"

"_Well, I'm just calling to schedule your last chemo session_."

James was silent for a moment. It was finally happening. He only had one more session left. Finally, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Yeah, yeah, that would be great. When do you think would be best?"

"_Well, we have an opening tomorrow if that works for you_.

"That would work, I guess."

"_Ok, then, I'll set up an appointment. Be at the center by noon, ok?_"

"I'll be there. Bye, Dr. Anderson."

"_Bye, James._"

James pressed the end button and put the phone back in its holder. He leaned against the counter and tried to process the information he had just been given. _It was almost over_. His almost yearlong battle was nearing an end. James was so happy, he could cry. However, soon a question entered his mind that replaced all previous happiness.

_What if the chemo didn't work?_

What if everything he had gone through had been for nothing? It was very possible. He had been told after he was first diagnosed that the chemo didn't always work and take away the cancer. What if that happened to him? What would he do? James' eyes grew wide as he sunk to the floor.

_What if the chemo didn't work?_

James didn't know what would happen to him if it didn't work. Would he die? And what would become of his friends? James saw the kitchen start to spin. He tried to stand back up, but became so dizzy, he fell back down. He heard his friends call out his name and saw them surround him, but all he was focused on was the chemo session. Kendall kept asking him what was wrong, but James just closed his eyes and shook his head. Logan and Carlos led him to the couch and sat him down. James closed his eyes and finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

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><p>When James woke up, it was dark outside. He looked around the living and saw that he was alone.<p>

"Hello?" James called out. No answer.

James carefully got up and walked into the kitchen. He rummaged through the refrigerator and got out a pudding cup. He took a spoon from the drawer and went back into the bright living room. He peeled of the lid and licked the pudding off of it. He put the spoon in the cup and brought the pudding into his mouth. Just as he was almost finished with the cup, he heard the front door open.

James turned and saw everyone coming in. First Katie walked in, then Carlos, Logan, Kendall, and finally Mrs. Knight, who was carrying two boxes of pizza.

"Hi, James!" Carlos yelled. "Look! We brought home pizza!"

James chuckled. "I see that. Um, Mrs. Knight? Dr. Anderson called and we scheduled my last session for noon tomorrow. Is that ok?"

'Of course, honey," Mrs. Knight said as she placed the pizzas on the counter. "I'll just call your family and let them know what's going on."

James nodded as Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took a seat beside him. He sighed as Mrs. Knight left the room. He knew what was coming next.

"What happened earlier?" Kendall asked. Yep, there it was.

"I-I was just… nervous," James answered.

Logan sighed. "Seriously, James, what happened?"

James buried his head in his hands. There was no way around this one. "Tomorrow is my last chemo session."

Carlos furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "But that's a good thing! You're almost done! Isn't that a good thing?"

James looked at Carlos. "It could be. But it could also be a very bad thing."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all looked at each other in confusion. What was he talking about? "We're not following, James," Kendall said.

"Don't you see? What if the chemo doesn't work?"

Logan rubbed James' back. "Ok, James, you need to calm down. All this stress isn't good for you."

"But you don't get it!" James yelled. "If the chemo doesn't work, I could die. Do you not understand that?"

Kendall put his hand on James' shoulder and turned him so they were looking eye to eye. "James, I know you're scared, but believe me, I'm not even the one with the cancer and I am scared beyond belief. But I have faith. If the chemo doesn't work, that's when we'll cross that bridge, but you can't give up now, buddy. Not after all that you have been through."

"And you'll _always_ have us there by your side," Carlos said. "We haven't left you before now and we're not going to. We're here for the ups and the downs, James. If we left every time there was a down, then we wouldn't be your best friends, would we?"

James sighed. "I guess not. But I'm just… so scared, you know? Like all of this has been for nothing."

"James, nothing is for nothing," Logan said. "Everything has a purpose, even if they don't always work out the way we want them to. We're here for you, James, and we're not leaving you. Ever."

"Logan is right," Kendall said. "Whether you like it or not, we will be by your side until the very end."

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><p><strong>Ok, I understand that this was short, <em>BUT <em>that's because I'm going to try and get the next chapter out either later tonight or sometime tomorrow. So, please leave a review and I'll be typing away!**


	43. Here We Go

**Ok, so here's my plan. I'm leaving for Hawaii the day after Christmas, and I really want to finish Help Me, Save Me by then. So I'm going to be working really hard and try to do that, but I can't really guarantee that, so we'll just see what I can do…**

**Disclaimer: PizzaTop21 does not own Big Time Rush or anything else that you might recognize.**

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><p>The next morning when James woke up, he didn't immediately get out of bed like he usually did. Instead, he lay on his back and just stared at the ceiling. Every once in a while, he would glance at the clock and watch the bright red numbers change to the next minute. It was truly happening. This wasn't a dream. James knew this day would someday happen, he had been waiting for it, and it was finally happening.<p>

"James! Get up!" he heard someone call through the door. "We have to leave in an hour!"

James swung his legs over the side of the bed and glanced over to Kendall's empty bed. It was a mess, as usual, and James couldn't help but chuckle at the sight. He pulled out black sweatpants and a Nike shirt. He looked at his contact case lying innocently on his nightstand. James shook his head; he was too tired and stressed to even consider putting them in. He grabbed his glasses from his drawer and put them on. He grabbed the beanie from his closet and pulled it onto his head. After checking the mirror to make sure the beanie was on the way it was supposed to, James opened his door and walked into the kitchen where his friends were eating breakfast. As soon as his friends saw them, they immediately got up to throw away the pancakes they were eating.

"Guys," James said to stop them. "It's ok. Just because I can't eat breakfast doesn't mean you should all join me."

Kendall stared at the plate in his hands, then back to James. "No, we're… full anyways, right guys?" Logan and Carlos furiously nodded their heads and Kendall smirked at James.

James crossed his arms and slowly shook his head. "Seriously, guys, just eat. I'm ok."

When the guys gave in, James smirked right back at Kendall. He sat down at the table with them while they finished their breakfast.

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><p>"Ok, James, are you ready?" Dr. Anderson when James and his family arrived at the Cancer Center.<p>

James took a deep breath. "I've been ready for nine months."

Dr. Anderson smiled as James lied down on the familiar hospital bed and held out his arm for the needle to go in. As the doctor put the needle into James, said boy cringed and tried not to cry out. He didn't care how often he had to do this, James would never get used to the feeling of a needle going into his skin.

"Alright then, you're all set up, James," Dr. Anderson said once the needle was in place. "You're all set up. I'll come and check on you in a little bit."

James nodded and Dr. Anderson left the room. James looked at the people surrounding him and tried to put on a brave face. Mrs. Knight, sensing that the boys needed to be alone, quickly excused herself and took Katie to the cafeteria.

"You doing ok, James?" Logan asked.

"Of course I am," James said, his voice cracking. "Why wouldn't I be ok? Everything's just great."

Carlos stood up from his chair and sat on James' bed. He looked at James with a seriousness he had never seen before. "James, it's ok to admit when you're scared."

James shook his head. "No, Carlos. I have to stay brave for you."

Carlos looked at James like he was dumb. "To be brave, you have to admit you're scared first."

"Fine," James said with his eyes closed. "I'm scared."

"There," Carlos said as he wrapped James in a hug, "now, was that so hard?"

James nodded and buried his head in Carlos' shoulder. "Yes! Being scared is a scary feeling."

Kendall and Logan joined in the hug. Logan wiped away the tear that slipped out of James' eye and slid down his cheek. "We need fear in our lives, James. Without fear, there would be no courage, or heroes, confidence, or survivors."

Kendall joined in. "Being scared isn't really a bad thing if you think about it. Fear is just an obstacle God puts in our lives to give us opportunities. When we overcome our fears, we can move forward and become stronger and wiser. It's just a step in learning who we really are."

"Listen to us, James," Carlos said. "Your strength and your will are greater than any fear that the world has to offer."

James sniffled. "Thank you."

"Sure thing, James," Kendall said, rubbing James' back.

"No, I'm serious. You guys are always there for me, no matter what. You have no idea how grateful I am for you. I would have given up a long time ago if you guys weren't there."

Logan looked at James straight in the eye. "Of course we'll always be there for you. We are _best friends_, James. And best friends believe in you when you've stopped believing in yourself."

James smiled. He truly did have the best friends in the world.

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><p>About an hour later, James was in the usual pain that came with the chemo. His stomach felt like it was on fire and he had a headache the size of Texas. Although he hadn't thrown up yet, James knew it was only a matter of time until he did.<p>

"James?" Ugh, Carlos. "You ok?"

James groaned in response. He was _not_ feeling good.

"Are you going to get sick?" Logan asked. "Do you need a bucket or something?"

James nodded his head slowly. He knew this was coming. Logan handed him the trash can and James buried his face in it. He felt his body start to heave, but nothing came out. He heaved and heaved, but that's all they were. Dry heaves. After ten minutes of the painful heaves, James could finally feel his stomach lurch and everything he had eaten the previous day, which wasn't much, exploded into the trash can. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan kept saying sweet nothings to him, but the words did nothing to help James feel better.

Once he finished, he wiped his mouth and avoided looking at the mess he made. He was about to hand the can to Logan, but just as Logan was about to take it, James pulled it back and buried his head in it for round two. He had no idea how he was still vomiting, he had just emptied everything he had, but apparently he still had something left.

Finally, James lifted his head, closed his eyes, and handed the trash can to someone's open hands. He heard the door open and close; obviously whoever took the trash can went to clean it out. He rested his head on the pillow, feeling incredibly wiped out. He couldn't even find the energy to open his eyes. His head hurt, his throat burned, and his stomach felt like it had been flipped inside out.

"Shh, James, you're ok," James heard someone whisper. "Just relax, it's almost over."

But James couldn't relax. He was in pain, but trying desperately to hide it. James suddenly became incredibly frustrated. He sat up and looked at the needle in his arm. He hated that needle. He hated feeling like he was about to die.

James hated cancer.

It was a horrible disease that doesn't just destroy the cancer stricken person, but also everyone around them. It destroyed people from the inside out and tore down everything they had worked so hard for. Cancer ruined lives, destroyed families, and the worst part was that no one could do a thing about it. You couldn't stop it, and at times, you couldn't even slow it down. Cancer had no mercy. It didn't care about who you were. It didn't care if you were a good person or bad, successful or not, rich or poor, smart or dumb. It took whoever it wanted, not caring in the slightest what the effects would be.

James hated what cancer had done to him.

He was weak, vulnerable, and fragile. He was constantly sick, always in the apartment, and he hadn't gone to a single party in months. The last time he had been to Rogue Records was four months ago. Big Time Rush was practically dead, and he hadn't sung a note or danced a step in who knows how long.

James hated that there wasn't a cure.

He couldn't understand why they couldn't find a cure, why they couldn't save the lives of millions. He hated that people lived not knowing if they would see the light of the next day or ever be who they once were. It was scary not knowing if you would live to see your children go up or become something yourself. There were times that James didn't want to go to sleep because he was afraid he would never wake back up.

James would never understand why this had to happen to him. He could only take what God has given him and make the best of it.

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><p><strong>Okey dokey, what did you all think? Did you like it? Hate it? Please tell me what you thought and I'll try to get a new chapter up tomorrow!<strong>


	44. Finally Over

**Ok, so you all know that I'm trying to get this story done by the end of this week. But while I really want to get it done, I really want to get to 600 reviews too. It would be one of the most amazing things that have ever happened to me. So, can you all please help me get there? _PLEAE, PLEASE, PLEASE, _do ANYTHING you have to do to help me get there. Please you guys, you have no idea how much it would mean to me.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing BTR.**

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><p>"James…" Carlos whispered into a sleeping James' ear. "Are you awake?"<p>

"Carlos, knock that off," Logan said as he threw a pillow at Carlos. "Let James sleep. He's had a long day."

Carlos pouted. "But he's boring when he's asleep!"

Logan rolled his eyes and brought his attention back to the medical magazine he was reading. Kendall chuckled as he continued watching the hockey game on TV. Carlos sat down on the floor and watched the game too, but in a few minutes, the three boys heard a deep breath coming from the boy in the hospital bed.

"Hey, buddy," Kendall said softly. "Are you feeling better now?"

James ignored him. "How much longer?"

Logan cleared his throat. "Uh, the doctor came in while you were sleeping. The chemo's almost gone. You have about a half hour left."

"You never answered my question," Kendall reminded. "Are you feeling better?"

"My stomach hurts," James sighed.

"It's ok, buddy. I know," Kendall said with a small smile. "It'll be over soon. Just hang in there."

James suddenly felt very frustrated with Kendall. He didn't want Kendall telling him that he _knew_ what he was feeling. He didn't want Kendall telling him to _hang in there_. Kendall had no idea what he was feeling! James felt sick and cranky and he didn't need someone else's sympathy. He did not need someone who had no idea what he was feeling to pretend like they did. "Just… don't talk to me, ok?"

Kendall's eyebrows furrowed together. "What are you talking about, James? Is something wrong?"

James clenched his teeth. "I don't want you saying that you know what I'm feeling, ok? You don't know."

Kendall's look of confusion grew even bigger. "What are trying to say?"

"What I'm _trying _to say is that I don't need your pity, got it?"

"James, don't talk to him like that," Logan said. "He's just trying to help."

"I don't need any of yours' help!" James yelled, attracting the attention of three nurses in the hall. He didn't care. "I'm tired and I'm grumpy and I don't want any of you to try and pretend like you know what I'm going through!"

"Just… calm down, ok?" Kendall said. "I don't know what's up with this sudden change of attitude, but I don't like it!"

James put his head in his hands and sighed. "I'm sorry, ok? I really am. It's just… there's so much stress. I don't like it."

Kendall sighed too. "James, I can only imagine what you're going through. But that's the thing; I don't know what it is. I'm trying to help the only way I know how, so you're going to have to patient with me. You'll have to be patient with all of us. We're learning how to deal with this the same way you are, with practice."

James nodded. "I'm sorry for yelling."

Kendall reached over to hug James. "I am too."

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><p>A half hour later, Mrs. Knight returned with Dr. Anderson following behind her. She hugged each of the boys, and then took a seat in the corner of the room.<p>

"Ok, James," Dr. Anderson started, "let's get that needle out, shall we?" James nodded and Dr. Anderson gently took his arm. After he took the needle out of James' arm, he put a Band-Aid on it. "Ok, James, congratulations on finishing chemotherapy. I would like you to come back in about a week so we could do some tests though."

James gulped. "What kinds of tests?"

"Well, the chemo can cause problems to other parts of the body. We'll have to test to see if there's any kidney, lung, heart, liver, or vein damage. And, of course, we'll have to test and see if the chemo even worked. That is, we'll have to test for cancer."

James closed his eyes and tried to process the information given to him. Finally, he opened his eyes and turned to his doctor. In a small voice, he asked, "And what if the chemo didn't work?"

Dr. Anderson took a deep breath. "Well, there are many other treatment options. We could try another round of the chemotherapy or maybe switch to radiation. In rare cases though, no treatment might be available."

Kendall stood up. "Are you saying that if it didn't work, there's a chance that James may die?"

"I'm saying that although it is a rare possibility that there would be no other treatment options, it is still a possibility nonetheless," Dr. Anderson said.

"I don't want to focus on that," James said sternly.

"Whatever you want, James," Dr. Anderson said. "Now, before you go home and rest, I would like you to answer a few questions. Can you do that for me?" James nodded slowly. "Have you had an irregular cough for an extensive period of time? Common fevers? Anything of that nature?"

James shook his head. "There was that time I got really sick and I had to go to the hospital, but otherwise, no."

Dr. Anderson wrote something on his clipboard. "Ok, then, just come back in a week, and we'll perform more tests."

James nodded and got up to leave as Dr. Anderson gave him the standard lecture about getting lots of rest and staying in his apartment. James nodded again and again, and soon left the hospital room altogether.

"YOU'RE DONE, JAMES!" Carlos yelled, bouncing, as they walked down the hall. "Do you know what that means? No more chemo!"

James smiled. "I know, Carlitos. Just one more week until I'm in the clear. Then, everything will go back to normal." James almost put a _maybe_ in there, but he didn't. He didn't want to worry his friends. Judging by the way Kendall freaked out when the doctor mentioned the chemo not working, they were on edge just as much as he was. They didn't need James' negative attitude right now. So, he kept the fake smile plastered on his face until they got to the car and everyone took their attention off of him. Only then did James let a single tear out.

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><p>In celebration of James' last chemo session, everyone on 2J decided to have an honorary Fish Stick Friday, even if it was still Wednesday. While Mrs. Knight prepared the fish sticks and tots, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan played video games, dome hockey, and went crazy on the swirly slide. They even helped Katie stink bomb Mr. Bitter's office and get away with it!<p>

"That was so much fun!" James laughed after they finished dinner and settled on watching TV. "That could very well have been the best Fish Stick Friday ever, even if it wasn't actually Friday."

Logan laughed too. 'I have to admit, that was a lot of fun!"

"Kendall and I totally destroyed you two in dome hockey!" Carlos exclaimed.

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but Logan _and_ I both took you down in the video games. And we weren't even playing teams!"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "First of all, I _let_ you win, and I'm sure Carlos did too! Second of all, we still killed you in dome hockey!"

"And who pretty much _always _wins _every_ week?" James asked, his voice rising.

Logan wagged his finger back and forth between himself and James. "Us!"

James laughed. "And you're just saying that you let me win! You just don't want to admit you can't neat me!"

"Not true!" Kendall argued.

"You know it is!" James said, still laughing.

Carlos stood up. "Can't we just call it a tie and leave it at that?"

Kendall and James eyed each other, and then, at the same time, "Deal."

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><p><strong>Ok, so that last part was stupid, I know. But hey, I just had to throw that in. So this chapter is kind of a… ladder to the next one. So, this is half a filler chapter and half not. If that makes any sense whatsoever. <strong>

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	45. Tests, Tests, and More Tests

**We're getting so close, you guys! We're almost there, we almost have 600 reviews! Thank you all for your support!**

**Oh, and a special thanks to Acoustic Heart who gave me ideas on this chapter forever ago!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>A week later, James was back in the hospital waiting room, waiting for the doctor to call him so they could start his tests. This place has become like a second home to him. Well, technically third, counting his Minnesota home and apartment point was that James had spent more time than necessary at the hospital, and he hated it.<p>

He hated how the hospital _looked_. Everything was as white as humanly possible and James hated it. He hated how the hospital _smelled_. It smelled of medicine, death, and doctors and James hated it. He hated how the hospital was full of _death_. You came here to get better, but a good majority never got the chance to and James hated it.

James was so involved in his thoughts of what he hated, that he didn't even notice some doctor he didn't know was calling his name. It took Carlos calling his name and shaking him for James to finally snap out of his trance. James gave his friends a reassuring smile, told them he would be back soon, and followed the doctor out of the waiting room.

"Ok, James, so today we'll be testing your heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, veins, and of course, the chemo's success," the doctor said. "I'm Dr. McKinley and I will be the doctor performing your tests today. Any questions?" James shook his head no, so Dr. McKinley led him to a hospital room. He instructed James to sit down and left the room, only to return a few moments later with a large needle. James instantly felt his stomach backflip. Dr. McKinley disinfected James' arm. "Now, I need to take a blood sample, but don't worry. It'll only take a moment and you'll barely feel it."

"Doubt it," James mumbled under his breath. But still, he held out his arm and allowed the doctor to take his blood. He closed his eyes as tight as they would go and let out a whimper when the needle went in, but otherwise, it went smoothly.

"See, James?" Dr. McKinley said. "Now, was that so bad? Now that that's over with, I would like to take a few x-rays of your chest to check your lungs. Are you ok with that?" James again nodded his head and the doctor led him to yet another room with many different machines in it. Dr. McKinley took him to the x-ray machine. There, the doctor took many x-rays and had James in many uncomfortable positions, but James sucked it up and soldiered in through it. It would over soon enough.

After the x-rays, James had an ultrasound done of his heart and had other tests such as CAT scans and MRIs done, anything to make sure James was in the clear. Finally, after about two and a half hours of testing, Dr. McKinley led him to a basic hospital room and asked him to lie on his stomach.

"James, this is where we're going to do a spinal tap. Basically, we're going to inject a needle into your spin and take samples for testing. I'm not going to lie to you, this particular test may be rather painful for you." Dr. McKinley saw the fear in James' eyes and put a hand on his shoulder. "And that is why we're going to allow your friends to come into the room with you for support. A nurse is leading them here right now." Almost immediately after Dr. McKinley said that, a soft knock was heard through the closed door and Dr. McKinley opened it to a young nurse and three stir crazy boys behind her. They thanked the nurse and smiled when they saw James.

"Hi, James!" Carlos yelled.

"Hey, Carlos," James said weakly. Kendall and Logan frowned at how weak James sounded, but they didn't mention anything about it.

"Ok, James, try your best to remain still," Dr. McKinley said as he lifted up the lower half of James' shirt. The nurse who brought Kendall, Carlos, and Logan handed him an even bigger needle than the one used to take James' blood. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan surrounded James, who looked like he was about to throw up, and held his hands and rubbed his back.

Dr. McKinley slowly and carefully brought the needle into James' lower back. When it first punctured the skin, James just gripped Kendall and Logan's hand a little more tightly, but when it entered his spin, he let out a painful cry and squeezed his friends' hands like they were the only things keeping him alive. He gritted his teeth and tightened his eyes, but nothing relieved him of the pain he was feeling. As the needle went in deeper, James yelled in an extreme amount of pain and he could feel his lower back tingling where the needle was. Finally, Dr. McKinley took out the needle and softly told James that he was done.

James let out a breath he had been holding the whole time and almost burst out into tears at the pure relief that it was over. Slowly but surely, James got up from the bed and pulled his shirt back down. He rubbed his lower back and could feel the gauze that Dr. McKinley had put there.

"Now, we'll have the results for your heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, and veins in a few hours, so I ask you to stay until then," Dr. McKinley said, eyes glued on his clipboard. "But the results for your chemo will take a while. We should have those in about a week, give or take."

James nodded. "So, do I just wait in the waiting room for a few hours?"

This time, it was the doctor who nodded. "I'll get right on those and come get you as soon as I know the results."

Logan and Carlos helped James up and held him by his elbows as Kendall opened the door for them. James slowly limped down the hall, his lower back still in pain. After a few minutes, the pain dulled a bit and James shook off Logan and Carlos. They walked in a comfortable silence back to the waiting room where Mrs. Knight and Katie were. After explaining to Mrs. Knight what was happening, James took a seat in one of the uncomfortable chairs.

"You guys don't have to stay with me," James said suddenly. "You can go home."

Kendall shook his head. "Not a chance. We told you we would be here for you till the end."

Carlos smiled. "We promised. And since when do we break promises?"

"But all you'll be doing is waiting," James insisted. "It's ok, really. You can go home."

Logan sighed. "James, we don't _want _to go home. We'll just be waiting there too. Where you go, we go."

James smiled. "Whatever you want."

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><p>"Ugh!" Carlos groaned. "How much longer is this going to <em>take<em>?"

"Carlos, the doctor said it would be a few hours," Logan said, rolling his eyes. "Be patient."

"But it's _already_ been a few hours! How long does he need?"

Kendall chuckled. "Cool your jets, Carlitos. The doctor will be here soon."

Carlos looked over to the unusually quiet James and gave him a puppy dog look. "James? Play a game with me? _Please_?"

James half smiled. "Ok, buddy, we'll play a game. What game do you want to play?"

Carlos jumped up. "I SPY!"

"What's up with you and that game?" James chuckled.

Carlos crossed his arms and put on a defense face. "I'll have _you_ know that I Spy is a very productive and educational game. It's what made the world what it is today!"

James rolled his eyes. He seriously doubted that. "Whatever. You can go first."

Carlos scanned the waiting room until his eyes met what he spied. "I spy with my little eye something… yellow."

James looked around. "Is it that lady's shirt?" he asked while motioning to a woman reading a magazine on the other side of the room.

"Nope."

James looked again. "Is it those flowers on the table?"

Carlos groaned in frustration. "How did you know?"

James laughed and was about to say something, but he then he saw Dr. McKinley walking towards the group. "James?"

Mrs. Knight stood up. "What did the results say?"

Dr. McKinley sighed a deep sigh and waited a few moments before answering. "Well, I'm afraid that the chemo has done some minor damage to your liver, James."

James closed his eyes. "Am I ok though?"

"Well, now that the chemo's stopped, we should start to see your liver improve. But I would like to prescribe some steroids to help strengthen your liver. You'll have to come back about once a week, so we can do blood tests and monitor your liver."

"You didn't really answer the question," Kendall accused. "Is. James. Ok?"

"We caught it early enough and the damage is not severe, so I would say that James will be perfectly fine," Dr. McKinley said. "But you need to avoid medicines such as Tylenol because they will just cause your liver further damage. But now that you're off chemo and you take your medicine, your liver should make a nice recovery." He handed Mrs. Knight James' prescription. "You can pick it up in a few hours."

Mrs. Knight studied the paper. "Thank you, Doctor."

Dr. McKinley nodded. "Your chemo results should be in by next week. I'll call you when I have them."

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><p><strong>Now, did you really expect I would cause James further damage? Lol, but I really didn't like this chapter. I feel like I didn't describe what was going on enough. Anyways, please leave a review and tell me what <em>you <em>thought! **


	46. Carlos and James

**Time for the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing BTR.**

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><p>Mrs. Knight studied the prescription bottle in her hands. "Ok. It says here that you're supposed to take one tablet once in the morning, no more, no less."<p>

James took the bottle from her hands and sighed. According to the doctor, he would be on this medicine for up to six months. He would have to go in for blood tests every week and he would always be at risk for other liver diseases, but James figured he couldn't complain. The doctor assured him that he would heal and it wouldn't kill him, and for that, James was thankful. He had received so many bad news lately and he wouldn't be able to take another blow. He was afraid if he fell down one more time, he wouldn't be able to find the strength to get back up.

He set the bottle on the counter and went wordlessly to his room. His liver might be in the clear, but James would still have to wait another week to find out if he won his battle against the cancer. On one hand, he wished with everything he had that the week would hurry up so he could get his results. But on the other, he wished with equal amount of want that next week would never come. He wanted to know his results, he really did, but what if they weren't what he wanted to hear? What if he got his hopes up that he was better only to be sent spiraling back to the ground. James knew he would crash and burn if that happened and he didn't know if he would be able to handle that.

James collapsed on his bed and rolled over onto his back. He studied the ceiling and the walls, but found nothing of interest and gave up.

Outside his door was Carlos. He saw James go into his room and thought he looked a little down. So Carlos went over to the closed bedroom door, debating whether or not he should try and talk to James. Finally, James sighed and knocked on the door. "James? It's Carlos, can I come in?"

Carlos expected James to say no, or pretend that he was sleeping, but to his surprise, he heard a faint "Come in" from James. Carlos opened the door and sat on Kendall's bed opposite from James'. "What's bothering you?"

James turned so he was facing Carlos. 'I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do," Carlos said as he rolled his eyes. "Dude, I've known you for forever. I know when something's bothering you. So why won't you tell me?"

James sighed. "Fine, alright? Everything is bothering me! I have to take this stupid medication for the next six months, my back is killing me, and I may or may not still have cancer. Happy now?"

Carlos took a deep breath. "It's scary, I know. James, this whole situation will never not be scary. It will be with you until the day you die and there is not one thing that you can do about it."

"You're making me feel so much better, Carlos," James said sarcastically.

"That's because I'm not done! What I was saying was that you can't change the past, James, it's just not possible. The past will always be there, the scars will always be there, but they cannot chain you down. I know you don't, but I have faith that you're healed. That means that you're free. You can't let your past keep you from living your future. If you do, you will never live your life."

James closed his eyes. "Carlos, it's in your nature to always believe that the best will happen, and I love that about you. But that's not how life works. People give you the worst thing they can think of just to see what will happen. And it's just not fair. A lot of bad things happen to really good people. People die, people get sick, people are torn away from those they love… It happens every day and it will never change."

Carlos stood up. "What happened to you, James? What happened to, 'I'll make it through this, guys, I can do it,'" Carlos imitated James. "What happened to that? What happened to you can take down anything?"

James, too, stood up. "Things don't always work out! Sometimes there comes a time where you have to admit you were wrong and that you can't do it!"

"Well, this isn't that time! You can't do this on your own, that's why you have us! But if you give up, then what do we do? Huh? What do we do, James?"

James put his head in his hands. "How am I supposed to know? I don't have all the answers! I can't keep telling you what to do all the time! I won't always be here to tell you your next move!"

Carlos felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. "James, I need you to tell me what to do. If you don't, then I won't know what to do. I… I know you all think I can't take care of myself. That's why I'm too scared to try and prove you wrong. If I try and I fail, I'll just make an even bigger fool of myself."

"Carlos, don't you ever say that. You have proved yourself to us time and time again. Throughout this whole thing, you have stayed strong, you've held yourself up. Do you know how much I respect you for that? I know I wouldn't be able to do that. I am so proud of you, Carlos. Why can't you see that?"

"The same reason why you can't see that you can beat this," Carlos said in a small voice.

James walked over to the other side of the room and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. "I know. I know I need to stop with this attitude. It's just scary, you know? I mean it's scary not knowing what's going to happen next. I don't like surprises. I like knowing exactly what's going to happen when. I like having control. But lately I have lost all source of control."

"But James, you're the strongest person I know. You can do anything."

"I don't always feel like that. There're many times that I don't think I can even get out of bed. The only reason I do is because I know you guys are waiting for me."

"We'll always be waiting you for you, James. We need you."

"I need you, too, buddy," James said as he rubbed Carlos' back. "I need you, too."

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><p>There comes a time in everybody's life where you have to admit that you can't do it on your own. There comes a time where you have to accept the help of others to make it through. It is human nature to believe that you can do anything on your own and you don't need the help of others. But there comes a time where you have to admit that you need help.<p>

This was James Diamond's time. He had spent his whole life trying to convince everyone around him that he was strong and he needed no one's help. But all his efforts were burned to the ground with just a simple word. _Leukemia._ When James was first diagnosed, that was when he first discovered how weak he could be. He had spent so long trying to fool people into thinking that he was strong, he had even fooled himself.

But he also discovered how strong he could be. He discovered how he could take the worst and just go with it. He was scared, he needed help, but that's what made him so strong.

To know what the good things are, you also need to know what the bad things are. James could appreciate the good because he knew the bad, and although it was a hard road getting there, one he was still traveling, he knew that there was a light at the end. He has no idea what that light may be, but James can keep traveling because he knows that it is there.

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><p><strong>So incredibly short and I am so incredibly sorry. Also, I'm sorry this wasn't the best chapter. I don't even know what that thing at the end was. Sorry if it makes no sense, but I really don't know what else to put. So I decided to put a mini lesson in there. I hope it's not too bad… :P<strong>

**Come on, you guys! Review! Only 27 more reviews until 600!**


	47. The Final Word

**Ok, so I'm going to try and do a double update today. I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try my best!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing BTR. At least not yet…**

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><p>The week passed agonizingly slow. Each day felt like a year in itself and it was driving the people of 2J crazy. Every time the phone rang, someone would race over only to be disappointed when it wasn't the hospital. Finally though, the week was over and so came the day that James' results were supposed to come in.<p>

"Today's the big day," Carlos said when James came out of his room that morning.

James nodded. "I guess so."

"Are you ok, James?" Logan asked as he spooned cereal into his mouth.

"Yeah, of course I am," James assured. "Just a little… nervous, you know?"

"Whatever the tests say, we'll always be here for you, James," Kendall told him. "You know that, don't you?"

James smiled. "How could I not when you all tell it to me five times a day?" He grabbed a banana from the fruit basket and sat down at the table.

Kendall returned the smile. "Just making sure…"

Suddenly, the phone rang throughout the apartment. Everyone at the table froze, unsure what they should do. From where they were sitting, they could all see that the caller ID clearly said _LA Memorial Hospital_. Should they answer it? Let the machine get it? They had been waiting for this call all week, but now that it was here, they weren't sure if they wanted it. Should they ignore it altogether?

Finally, James sighed and got up from his spot at the table. He made his way over and grabbed the phone. After only brief hesitation, James hit the call button and shakily brought the phone up to his ear. "H-hello?"

_"Hi, this is Doctor Philip McKinley of the Los Angeles Memorial Hospital. Is James Diamond there?"_

James took a deep breath. "This is he."

_"Hi, James. How are you?"_

"I-I'm doing ok. And you?"

_"I'm doing well, thank you. I'm sure you know the reason I'm calling."_

"For my test results…?"

_'That's right. They just came in. I was hoping you could come to the hospital so we could discuss this in person."_

"Couldn't you tell me over the phone?"

There was a moment of silence before the doctor spoke again. _"I… um… I would really prefer if I could deliver the news in person. In an hour, I was hopping."_

James tried to search Dr. McKinley's voice for any answer to the question he had been asking for so long. But he could find nothing that gave the results away. "I guess I could come over."

_"Thank you. I'll see you in an hour."_

"I'll see you then." James pressed the end button and put the phone back in the dock. He turned and saw his friends staring anxiously for him, waiting for an answer. He sighed before answering. "He wants me to come to the hospital for the news. He wouldn't tell me over the phone."

"What does that mean?" Carlos asked, looking from James to Kendall to Logan, back to James. "Does that mean good news or… bad?"

James looked compassionately at Carlos. "I don't know. I tried to read his voice, but… I couldn't. We'll find out in an hour."

Logan took in James' face. He looked like he was about to pass out. "James, maybe you should sit down. You don't look well."

James shook his head. "I'm fine, really. Just a little stressed."

Kendall got up and pushed James into his chair. "You need to calm down. This isn't good for you."

"What about you?" James' hazel eyes burning into James' green ones. "You guys are stressed too. You guys need to calm down too. This whole thing has been just as hard on you, just in different ways."

"Don't worry about us," Logan instructed. "You take care of yourself."

"Why do you guys do this?" James asked, staring at nothing.

"Do what?" Carlos asked, confused.

"Why don't you let me worry about you too? 'Take care of yourself, we're ok, don't worry about us…'" James mimicked. "You matter too!"

"Not right now," Kendall corrected.

James sighed. "It's time you all stop worrying about me for a moment and think of yourselves. When was the last time you thought about yourself before me?" The three boys thought back. They honestly couldn't remember a time before James was diagnosed that they put themselves first. James looked at them with an accusing stare when they didn't answer. "See?"

"James, right now, we're not the ones that matter. You getting better is what matters," Logan said. "What we want isn't important. It's what you want."

"You want to do whatever I ask?" James asked. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan nodded. "Then stop worrying about me and take care of yourselves!"

Kendall patted James in the back. "We will when you're better."

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><p>An hour later, everyone was once again piled up in the minivan and was off to the hospital. James stared quietly out the window, not wanting to talk to anyone. Katie looked fearfully at him. During the past nine months, she has tried to stay out of everyone's way. But that didn't diminish her worry and concern for James. There were many times where she made herself physically sick with her worry and it killed her. James was her big brother. James was someone she looked up to. Seeing him knocked down to where he was destroyed Katie from the inside out. She could pray that it would all change today.<p>

Kendall groaned as they stopped at yet another red light. He was frustrated, everyone could see that. He was frustrated with the traffic, himself, life… Name something and chances were Kendall was frustrated with it. He tried so hard to be the leader and to protect his family, but all his efforts were in vain. James got cancer. Despite how hard he tried, Kendall had failed to save James.

Logan was dead to the world. He didn't notice whether they were moving or not, what they passed, where they were going… Logan was terrified. He dedicated a good part of his life to becoming doctor, but he failed to save James. He was terrified that James wouldn't be ok and there wasn't a thing he could do to stop it.

Carlos didn't know what to think. On one hand, he was thrilled that James was finally done with chemo and he might be ok, but on the other, he didn't want to know the results. What if James wasn't ok? What if the doctors said that he would never be ok? What if James… died? Carlos would never recover if that happened. He would never be the same.

After a very uncomfortable car ride, Mrs. Knight finally parked in the hospital parking lot. Everyone got out and walked through the front doors of the hospital. James walked over to the familiar front desk and told the woman he knew by name who was working there that he was looking Dr. McKinley. She told him that he would with James in a minute and to wait in the waiting room. James thanked her and sat down with the others in the waiting room. After waiting for about fifteen minutes, Dr. McKinley came into the waiting room.

"James, would you like to step into my office?" Dr. McKinley asked.

James nodded his head and got up to follow the doctor. Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Mrs. Knight, and Katie got up to join him, but James put up his hand to stop them. "No, you guys, I have to do this by myself."

They all nodded and sat back down. James smiled at them, reassuring them that he would fine, and followed the doctor into his office. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan watched with anxious eyes as they walked away until they turned a corner and they couldn't be seen anymore. They all sank back into their chairs and sighed. They had gotten used to waiting, but this particular time seemed more unbearable than all the others put together.

They waited and waited for about twenty minutes until they saw James come back around the corner and towards them. Even from a distance, they could see the tears going down James' face.

They all stood up as James finally reached them. "James…" Kendall started.

James wrapped his three best friends, his _brothers_, into a hug as he whispered in their ears, "Guys, it happened. It finally happened. I've gone into remission. It's all over. We can go back to the way it was before."

As soon as the words escaped his lips, the three other boys burst into tears. However, these tears were so much different than the tears they had been crying for almost a year straight. These were tears of _joy_. James was healthy. James was in remission. James had won.

There would be no more anxious waiting at hospitals or worrying that James wouldn't make it to the next day. No more panicking, no more worry. James had beaten the relentless battle against leukemia and _won_. James was a cancer _survivor_. He survived one of the most destructive diseases. James was safe and everything was finally ok.

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><p><strong>And there we go! James is in remission! Now, next chapter will be kind of an epilogue thing and it'll be the very last chapter of Help Me, Save Me. I want to take my time on it, so if I post it early tomorrow, will you all still read and review it since it's Christmas Eve? Or should I put a rush on it and try to get it out tonight? I really want to do it tomorrow, but if no one will be able to read it…<strong>

**Anyways, please review! Only 21 more reviews, people! Can we do it? _PLEASE_ do anything you can to help me! Go back and review chapters you missed, tell friends to review, tell family, people who don't have an account, leave anonymous reviews… ANYTHING that will help me get there! _PLEASE_! **


	48. Done

**Ok, here it is. The very last chapter of Help Me, Save Me. I can't believe it finally happened. So long ago I posted the first chapter and I had no idea it would turn into this. So I would like to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart because Help Me, Save Me would be nothing without each and every one of you.**

**Before I start, I would just like to point out how we did it. We officially have over 600 reviews! Thank you all so much for coming together and getting me here. I saw how some of you got your siblings or friends to review it just to help me get there and I cannot even begin to express the gratitude that I feel. You are all what keep me going, each and every one of you. I have read each review and each one makes me feel so amazing and happy. I have not gotten 1 bad review out over 600. I cannot tell you how that makes me feel. So, thank you so much. SO much.**

**Disclaimer: For the last time, I do not own Big Time Rush.**

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><p>Two weeks had passed since James had gone into remission. His family had flown in from Minnesota the week before and they, along with the people of 2J, planned a surprise party for James to celebrate him going into remission and had invited everyone at the Palm Woods. Mr. Bitters made a special exception to his 'no parties' rule.<p>

As James sat on the couch, watching TV with his three best friends, he couldn't help but let his thoughts drift away from the program he was watching to that day two weeks ago. It had taken fifteen minutes for Mrs. Knight to get the boys to stop crying long enough to tell her what was going on. When James finally managed to croak out the news, Mrs. Knight and Katie started crying too. On the car ride home, James called his mother and when he told her that he had gone into remission, she cried.

No one could stop smiling for the past two weeks. How could they? This was the best news they had gotten in ten months. James was healed. James was going to live. The past ten months had been a roller coaster and they had finally come to the end. Everyone could finally take a deep breath that it was over.

James knew that he would never have gotten through this without the support of his friends and family. He told them again and again because it was true. His friends and family are what kept him going. There were so many times James wanted to quit, to give up, but every time he thought that, he thought about Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. How could he give up on them? How could he put them through that? He couldn't. And that's why he didn't. He kept going for them.  
>James had learned so much about himself the past ten months. Everyone had learned a little about themselves and those around them. James never imagined he could find the strength to beat a disease like cancer, but he did. His friends never imagined they would be able to find the strength to hold James up when he couldn't, but they did. It was really true, they learned, that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.<p>

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan had always heard growing up to "live each day to the fullest" or "life is too short". But all they thought those really were are sayings and never paid attention to them. When James was diagnosed, they learned they were wrong. Those weren't sayings; they were life lessons because it is true. You never know if you'll have tomorrow, so live life today. They now knew what it meant to not know if you had tomorrow and they now knew how to live life to the fullest. They never wasted a day anymore, they never went to bed angry, and they always made sure to tell those that they love how much they mean to them.

James also learned how regrets can weight you down until you can barely move. He learned that life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So he loved the ones who treated him right, forgave those who didn't, and he never gave up the belief that everything happens for a reason. If he got a chance, he took it. If it changed his life, he let it. Nobody said it would be easy, James remembered, but they did promise that it would be worth it. James didn't need to take the easy road; he just needed to take a road.

Although Big Time Rush had taken a back seat since James got sick, now that he was recovering, they were planning on making a comeback. They would return to the studio as soon as James got his strength back. James couldn't wait until they returned. He missed the studio, he missed singing and dancing, he missed Kelly… Heck, he even missed Gustavo! James was ready to go back to normal life.

"James?"

James snapped out of yet another trance to see Kendall, Carlos, and Logan standing next to him. Kendall was hiding something behind his back. "Yeah?"

Logan cleared his throat. "Well, now that you're better, we would like to give you something that we've wanted to give to you for a very long time."

James smiled and let out a little laugh. "What is it?" Kendall brought his hand out from behind his back. He took James hand and put something small and plastic in it. When James looked inside his hand, his eyes welled up with tears.

It was his lucky comb.

Although halfway through was cracked and had superglue around it, it still was James' lucky comb. He looked up at his friends with tearful eyes. "You… you glued it back together?"

Carlos nodded. "We couldn't just leave it in the trash can!"

"We decided to give it back to you when you were better," Kendall smiled. "So that you wouldn't go off and break it again."

James laughed sheepishly. "I guess that's a smart thing to do."

"Well, you'll be able to use it again soon," Logan said hopefully. "Your hair is starting to grow back."

This was true. Although it was just a little stubble at the moment, James' hair was returning. He stared at the black piece of plastic in his hand. "Thank you."

Kendall patted him on the back. "No problem, buddy."

"No, really," James insisted. "Thank you for everything. I wouldn't have… made it through if you guys weren't there. You saved me."

Carlos sniffled. "I think you saved us too."

* * *

><p>It was finally over. James had come up triumphant, but he came out with so much more. James was strong because he had been weak. He was secure because he knew his flaws. He could love because he could fight. He was fearless because he had been afraid. He was wise because he once foolish. And James could be happy because he had been sad.<p>

James was happy. Happy with who he is, happy with what he had been through. He had been through more in ten months than some people experience in their lifetime. But he was ok with that. He was a survivor. But now he wanted to give back. James had decided a few days after he was better that he wanted to start an organization to help fight cancer. When he told his friends and family, they were completely supportive. Kendall even suggested that they could start doing benefit concerts to help raise money. James was speechless. He was so happy that his friends were willing to help him in his dream. Although creating his own organization was a long way off, James could still plan and he decided to start with volunteering at the Cancer Center to either help raise money or talk to other cancer patients about his story.

James was completely grateful to his friends. He owed them his life. They supported James every step of the way with every choice he made. James asked for help, and they saved him. He truly loved them with all his heart. They were his brothers, his _saviors_, and James would forever be indebted to them. They not only helped him with his battle, but they also helped him on the road to learning who he was. They made him.

Best friends are a treasure. They are worth more than any diamond or jewel, and more important than any celebrity. Best friends believe in you and support you. You may fight, you may disagree, but in the end, you always make up because you can't imagine life without them. Best friends are like brick walls. Sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's just enough to know they're always there for support.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh my gosh, I'm really done. I can't believe it. Ok, I'm going to warn you right now that this will be a pretty long AN, but I would really appreciate if you read through it all.**

**So, some of you know and some of you don't, but I wrote this story for a purpose. Yes, it is just a story, but it has so much more to it. When I was in third grade, my four-year-old cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer. I say firsthand the struggle that he went through and the pain it caused my family. I remember when I first saw him after he was diagnosed, he was so weak, and they needed to put a feeding tube in just so he could eat. He wasn't the happy little boy who was always bugging me to play this game or that, he was someone entirely different. Today, I'm happy to report that he cancer free. Although he has some issues from the radiation, I am still hopeful that he will get better.**

**I wrote this story for cancer awareness. I wanted people to really become aware of how horrible this disease is and what it can do to both the patient and their family. It's a horrible disease that needs to be destroyed. I wrote this so people might see what a problem it really is. I wrote it so people could get an inside look.**

**So while I wrote this for entertainment purposes, I also wrote it to create awareness and I hope you all see that. But now, time for some announcements!**

**Before anyone asks, yes I do know what my next story will be. No, I will not give out any details. ;) I will tell you, however, that it will be… JAMES ANGST! Is there anything else I would really write? Anyways, I'll be working on during my vacation to Hawaii, including on the six hour plane ride to the island I'm staying at. It should be out in a couple of weeks.**

**I would like to thank everyone who reviewed, favorited, or read this story. It means so much to me! I have made such AMAZING friends through this story and I cannot express to you how thankful I am for each and every one of you because you ALL made Help Me, Save Me into what it is and I will forever be indebted to you. You all are my inspiration and I am so blessed to be able to call you my readers.**

**I love you all,**

**PizzaTop21 **


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